Quaker humorist Tom Mullen once took his family to Old Town, a section of Chicago which he knew as an artists’ hangout, but which unfortunately had been invaded by strip clubs, porno theaters, prostitutes, pimps, and johns. His seven-year-old daughter, Ruthie, was all eyes, staring through the car window and asking embarrassing questions such as “Why isn’t that woman wearing any underwear?” and “What does l-u-s-t mean?” Eventually, she asked, “How come all those men are going into that place?” Mr. Mullen replied, “Ask your mother, dear” — a reply that may possibly be grounds for divorce. However, his wife gave an honest answer: “Those men are buying tickets to see someone’s bare bottom.” Ruthie asked, “Why would anyone pay money to see somebody’s bare bottom?” Indeed. An advertisement asks, “What kind of man reads Playboy?” Mr. Mullen answers that question: “Witty, sophisticated types who pay to see somebody’s bare bottom.”
Reed Smoot was one of the first Senators from Utah. He was a Mormon, and it was rumored that he was a polygamist, although he wasn’t (although he did support polygamy when that was Mormon doctrine). Mr. Smoot’s swearing-in was delayed by a filibuster until another Senator looked at all the philanderers in the Senate, then said, “Gentlemen, I would rather have a polygamist who does not polyg, than a monogamist who does not monog.”
Classy Britons wouldn’t dream of speaking to other people without a proper introduction. When she was a 19-year-old woman, Lady Veronica McLeod sailed to India. During the journey, she enjoyed a night in bed with a young steward, but when he spoke to her the next day, she told him, “In the circles in which I move, sleeping with a woman does not constitute an introduction.”
Columnist Ann Landers once asked her female heterosexual readers whether they preferred cuddling to the act of lovemaking. A majority preferred cuddling. Curious, writer Gail Sausser asked a lesbian friend whether she preferred cuddling to the act of lovemaking. The friend was shocked by the question: “What do you mean? Cuddling is part of the act — sex is affectionate!”
At one time, filmmaker John Waters taught in prison. In a class, the convict-students worked on improvisation. One situation featured a brother and a long-lost sister. They meet in a restaurant, and the brother discovers that his sister has had a sex-change operation and become a man. He asks, “What happened to your tits?” She replies, “Bookends.”
During World War II, Irene Gut Opdyke saved 18 Jews from the Holocaust. She actually hid the Jews in the attic of a villa owned by a German major. One day, the major caught her helping the Jews, and he gave her a choice: either she would willingly sleep with him, or he would turn in the Jews and have them taken to a death camp. She slept with him.
A newlywed couple were on their way to their honeymoon destination when their car developed problems. The groom went underneath the car to try to fix the problem, and the bride went underneath the car to help. Two hours later, a police officer asked them, “Excuse me, but did you know that your car had been stolen?”
Peter Cook and Dudley Moore made the film Bedazzled (1967), in which the voluptuous Raquel Welch played the important role of Miss Lillian Lust. At first, Mr. Cook and Mr. Moore wanted to name the film Raquel Welch, so that they could enjoy theater marquees blazing forth the legend “Peter Cook and Dudley Moore in Raquel Welch.”
When she was a young woman, Alexandra Danilova became upset when some men started lying about having affairs with her. Sergei Diaghilev advised her, “Stop crying. What a nuisance. You should cry when they don’t talk about you — as long as they are talking about you, you are interesting.”
President John F. Kennedy is reputed to have bedded many, many women during his life. Once, a White House maid found something black and silky in the Presidential bed and gave it to Jackie Kennedy. Jackie looked at it, then handed it back to the maid, saying, “Not my size.”
Because of the placement of a woman’s genitals, horseback riding can be a form of sexual pleasure. At least one woman jockey interviewed by Lynn Haney agrees with this claim. The woman jockey said, “Riding enabled me to lose my virginity in the nicest possible way.”
The first real make-out session of Chastity Bono, the lesbian daughter of Sonny Bono and Cher, occurred in a movie. After the movie was over, Chastity’s girlfriend went to the restroom, then told her, “Not only is my underwear wet, but so are my stockings.”
Stand-up comedian Reno can be outrageous. Sometimes in her act she will pretend she is having an orgasm, complete with ear-splitting screams, then say, “At this point, the person you have given your love to could be a radiator for all you care.”
Jennifer Camper is a lesbian cartoonist whose cartoons sometimes make men think that she is a dominatrix. Occasionally, these men call her to set up a date, but since she is not a dominatrix, she tells them that they can’t afford her prices.
While performing, Joan Rivers is known for her complete lack of good manners. On The Tonight Show, while interviewing John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John, who were then dating each other, Ms. Rivers asked, “You’re sleeping together, right?”
Eva Gabor used to watch The Tonight Show, starring Jack Paar, every night before dropping off to sleep. When she was a guest on the show, she told Mr. Paar, “You know, Jack, I go to sleep with you every night.”
Actress Tallulah Bankhead used to call all men “Darling.” Why? Because she had difficulty remembering which men she had slept with and which men she had not slept with — yet.
A boy whose father worked away from home told his elementary schoolteacher: “Daddy comes to see Mommy every Sunday and they giggle all night and I can’t sleep.”
A reporter once asked Betty Ford the nosy question of how often she and President Gerald Ford slept together. She replied, “As often as possible.”
On The Newlywed Game, a contestant was asked, “What Beatle song reminds you of your wedding night?” The answer: “A Hard Day’s Night.”
Copyright by Bruce D. Bruce; All Rights Reserved
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2 thoughts on “David Bruce: Sex Anecdotes”
Thanks for sharing this. It was great!!!!
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Thank you, Chuck.