David Bruce: Sex Anecdotes

Between the fifth and sixth grades, children’s book author Walter Dean Myers picked up a lot of information about female anatomy from his friends; unfortunately, much of the information was not accurate. For example, he learned that if a boy touched a girl’s breasts, the girl could get pregnant. This was believable to him because he had once hit his sister on a breast. She had complained to their mother, and their mother had told him never to hit a girl on a breast. Young Walter thought that his sister had complained because she was worried about getting pregnant.

Lesbian playwright Holly Hughes had a very good reason for writing plays—to get girls. She would write a play that starred the girl she was pursuing. (Of course, Ms. Hughes would play the love interest of the star.) In her introduction to Dress Suits for Hire, Ms. Hughes writes about the difficulty of writing a commissioned play for some people she knew she would not sleep with: “It was hard for me to imagine why someone would go to all the work to write a play if there was absolutely no chance she would get laid as a result. What was the point?”

Lesbian humorist Garbo once shared an apartment with two gay men, who were very open about their sexuality. Sometimes, one of Garbo’s straight friends would come over unannounced, and Garbo would remove a newspaper from the couch only to find gay porn under the newspaper. Once, the landlord showed the apartment to a straight couple. He opened the door to the gay men’s bedroom, where he saw a sex toy lying on the bed. The landlord quickly shut the door, then he told the straight couple. “Let’s take a look at the kitchen.”

Beth Joiner, a children’s dance teacher in Georgia, knows more about the goings-on of her students’ family lives than the students’ parents probably want her to know. For example, one young boy asked her, “Do you know what my sister and I do when my parents go in the bedroom and lock the door?” Miss Beth answered that she did not know, and the boy explained, “We throw the ball in the den—we’re not supposed to.” From this conversation, Miss Beth learned that parents and children can both be naughty.

Early Shakespearean actresses Margaret “Peg” Woffington and Catherine “Kitty” Clive were quite different in morals; Ms. Woffington was sexually adventurous, while Ms. Clive was sexually chaste. Once, Ms. Clive remarked that “a pretty face … excuses a multitude of sweethearts.” Ms. Woffington, who had both a pretty face and a multitude of sweethearts, replied, “And a plain one ensures a vast overflow of unmarketable virtue.”

Marty Brill started as a singer and guitarist, but he went into comedy full-time when the audience laughed at his ad libs after he broke a guitar string while on the Ed Sullivan Show. He used to tell a joke about Adolf Hitler picking up a French woman in Paris in 1940. After sleeping with the French woman, he told her, “In nine months, you’ll have a baby. Call him Adolf.” She replied, “In two weeks, you’ll have a rash. Call it what you like.”

Celebrated homosexual wit Quentin Crisp used to live in a house with several tenants, including a woman who would frequently bring home men and keep everyone up with her screams of sexual ecstasy. Eventually, she turned religious and lectured the other tenants on their lack of morality. Mr. Crisp told her one day, “I think I preferred you when you were a nymphomaniac.”

At one time, a rumor stated that President John Adams had sent General C.C. Pinckney to France so that he could pick out two French girls for himself and two for President Adams. In a letter to William Tudor, President Adams joked about the rumor, “If this be true, General Pinckney has kept them all for himself and cheated me out of my two.”

Some sexist comedians make jokes about forcing their girlfriends to sleep on the “wet spot” following sex. Canadian comedian Meg Soper responds by saying that if her boyfriend ever tries to make her sleep on the wet spot, she is going to give him no further opportunities to make wet spots.

Once, a man was trying to make comedian Margaret Cho have sex with him although she didn’t want to, and he tried to push her into a woodshed. She told him, “Don’t push me in there. There are axes in there!” He thought about what she might do with one of those axes and decided to leave her alone.

Gene Fowler was tending the lawn of his California home when a car drove up to him and stopped, then the driver asked about a glamorous, sexy movie star, “Does Lana Turner live here?” Mr. Fowler looked up and answered, “If Lana Turner lived here, do you think I would be outdoors?”

When playwright Lillian Hellman was a child, she discovered that her father was having an affair, despite still being married to her mother. She was so upset that she went home, climbed her favorite fig tree, and threw herself to the ground, breaking her nose.

Stand-up comedian Greg Dean once followed a redheaded woman comic who did a routine about having kinky sex all night with a stranger. When Mr. Dean went on sex, he looked exhausted and said that he had been up all night having kinky sex with a redhead.

Sometimes people tell lesbian comedian Judy Carter, “You’re a lesbian because you have had bad sexual experiences with men.” She replies, “If that were the case, ninety-nine percent of women would turn lesbian.”

While comedian Jebb Fink was performing live, his microphone suddenly sagged in its holder. Mr. Fink got a laugh by ad-libbing, “Oh, the story of my life. It’s always going limp when I need it most.”

One of Matt Groening’s Life in Hell comic strips featured “What Not to Say During Moments of Intimacy.” One conversational tidbit was “O, My Lord in Heaven, forgive me for this vile sin I am about to commit.”

“My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.”—bumper sticker.


Copyright by Bruce D. Bruce; All Rights Reserved


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