POOR PERSON’S HOBBY
Entertain you for the rest
Of your life — read books
POOR PERSON’S HOBBY
Entertain you for the rest
Of your life — read books
• Children’s book author Tomie dePaola eagerly looked forward to seeing the Walt Disney movie Snow White and Seven Dwarfswhen it came out in 1938, but he was surprised that the movie didn’t follow the true version — that is, the version he knew — of the fairy tale. In the movie, the Evil Queen gave Snow White the poisoned apple without first pulling Snow White’s laces so tight that she couldn’t breathe or giving her a poisoned comb — both times, the dwarfs rescued her. This was so upsetting to Tomie that he yelled at the movie screen, “Where are the laces? Where is the comb?” In addition, he was so upset at the end of the movie — it stopped before the true ending — that he yelled at the screen again, “The story’s not over yet. Where’s the wedding?” Where’re the red-hot iron shoes that they put on the Evil Queen so that she dances herself to death?” His mother ran in from the lobby, where she had taken his younger brother when he became frightened during a scary scene, and dragged him out of the theater. Tomie saw the movie again with a little girl from the neighborhood, but he warned her in advance that Mr. Disney didn’t know the true story of Snow White.
• If you ever want to make a comedian angry, here’s an excellent way to do it. Buddy Hackett almost had a role in Martin Scorsese’s excellent movie Goodfellas. Mr. Scorsese even came over to Buddy’s house and explained Buddy’s role in the movie — he would be in the background telling part of a joke. Buddy walked over to a window, then invited Mr. Scorsese to come over and look at the view. Buddy asked him, “Isn’t that a beautiful lawn?” Mr. Scorsese agreed that it was a beautiful lawn. Buddy then told him, “Take a real good look because you will never be back in this house again. Partof a joke! Get the f— outta here!”
• In 1952, Katherine Hepburn and Spencer Tracy starred in Pat and Mike, about a woman athlete. The script called for Ms. Hepburn’s character to win against several famous women athletes who made cameo appearances in the movie, including golfer Betty Hicks and tennis players Alice Marble and Gussie Moran. However, one part of the script had to be rewritten. Golfer Babe Zaharias was too proud to come in second to Ms. Hepburn’s character, and in the movie, Babe wins the tournament by one stroke.
• Actress Jennifer Lopez worked hard to get the title role in the career-making movie Selena. She studied the singer, copied her mannerisms, and even moved in with Selena’s sister for a while. She also made a major impression on the movie producers during an 11-hour audition in which she sang two songs in the character of Selena and acted in five scenes. The hard work paid off. She won the role, and its success helped her become Hollywood’s highest-paid Latina actress.
• Of course, the movie The Exorcist is noted for its scenes of a possessed little girl played by Linda Blair projectile vomiting green stuff — actually, pea soup. However, it is not well known that a double named Eileen Smith was used to do the projectile vomiting. When the movie became a huge success, Ms. Smith became disturbed that Ms. Blair was getting credit for her projectile vomiting, so she sued the movie studio in an attempt to get credit for her vomiting.
• As a kid growing up in the 1950s, Newberry Award-winning author Jerry Spinelli sometimes attended movies in the park. According to tradition, teenagers sat on the benches while young kids such as Jerry sat on the ground. One evening, Jerry decided to sit on a bench. This went well until some teenagers decided that they wanted to sit on the bench. They lifted one end of the bench into the air — and Jerry slid off the other end.
• While making his very first movie, in the days in which sound equipment was unsophisticated, ventriloquist Edgar Bergen ran into a problem trying to get the sound of the voice of Charlie McCarthy, his dummy, onto the movie soundtrack. Eventually, the source of the problem was discovered to be a soundman who moved the microphone over to Charlie McCarthy whenever the dummy had a line.
• W.C. Fields wrote the screenplays of many of the movies he appeared in, using such pseudonyms as Mahatma Kane Jeeves or Otis Cribblecoblis. He gave one of his movies the title Never Give a Sucker an Even Break, hoping that movie marquees would advertise it as “W.C. Fields — Sucker.”
• People often wish to see bad movies instead of good movies. A person once asked movie critic Roger Ebert for his opinion of Ingmar Bergman’s Cries and Whispers, and he told her, “I think it’s the year’s best film.” “Oh,” she replied, “that doesn’t sound like anything we’dlike to see.”
• One of Marilyn Monroe’s early roles consisted of walking across the stage in the Marx Brothers film Love Happy. When she met comedian Groucho Marx, he asked, “Can you walk?” She replied, “I learned to walk when I was a baby, and I haven’t had a lesson since.”
• Dr. Seuss tried to make a film version of The 5,000 Fingers of Dr. T, but unfortunately the child actors were paid their money directly instead of giving the money to their parents. The children took the money, then ate hot dogs until they vomited.
• Making an independent film can be a low-budget experience. While filming the B horror movie Evil Dead, actor Bruce Campbell once thought about buying a pack of gum, then realized that he didn’t have the money to pay for it.
• Many movies that are set in Spain or Italy are actually filmed in California. Bird-watchers sometimes get a kick out of watching one of these films and hearing the distinctive cry of the California quail in the background.
• Model makers created the spaceships for Star Warsby using parts from model kits for such vehicles as Kenworth Tractors, Panzer Kampfwagens, a Ford Galaxy 500 XL, and Kandy-Vans.
Copyright by Bruce D. Bruce; All Rights Reserved
Chapter 19 – What Happened to Them at Surinam, and How Candide Became Acquainted with Martin
Our travelers’ first day’s journey was very pleasant; they were elated with the prospect of possessing more riches than were to be found in Europe, Asia, and Africa together. Candide, in amorous transports, cut the name of Miss Cunegund on almost every tree he came to. The second day two of their sheep sunk in a morass, and were swallowed up with their lading; two more died of fatigue; some few days afterwards seven or eight perished with hunger in a desert, and others, at different times, tumbled down precipices, or were otherwise lost, so that, after traveling about a hundred days they had only two sheep left of the hundred and two they brought with them from El Dorado.
Said Candide to Cacambo, “You see, my dear friend, how perishable the riches of this world are; there is nothing solid but virtue.”
“Very true,” said Cacambo, “but we have still two sheep remaining, with more treasure than ever the King of Spain will be possessed of; and I espy a town at a distance, which I take to be Surinam, a town belonging to the Dutch. We are now at the end of our troubles, and at the beginning of happiness.”
As they drew near the town they saw a Negro stretched on the ground with only one half of his habit, which was a kind of linen frock; for the poor man had lost his left leg and his right hand.
“Good God,” said Candide in Dutch, “what dost thou here, friend, in this deplorable condition?”
“I am waiting for my master, Mynheer Vanderdendur, the famous trader,” answered the Negro.
“Was it Mynheer Vanderdendur that used you in this cruel manner?”
“Yes, sir,” said the Negro; “it is the custom here. They give a linen garment twice a year, and that is all our covering. When we labor in the sugar works, and the mill happens to snatch hold of a finger, they instantly chop off our hand; and when we attempt to run away, they cut off a leg. Both these cases have happened to me, and it is at this expense that you eat sugar in Europe; and yet when my mother sold me for ten patacoons on the coast of Guinea, she said to me, ‘My dear child, bless our fetishes; adore them forever; they will make thee live happy; thou hast the honor to be a slave to our lords the whites, by which thou wilt make the fortune of us thy parents.’
“Alas! I know not whether I have made their fortunes; but they have not made mine; dogs, monkeys, and parrots are a thousand times less wretched than I. The Dutch fetishes who converted me tell me every Sunday that the blacks and whites are all children of one father, whom they call Adam. As for me, I do not understand anything of genealogies; but if what these preachers say is true, we are all second cousins; and you must allow that it is impossible to be worse treated by our relations than we are.”
“O Pangloss!” cried out Candide, “such horrid doings never entered thy imagination. Here is an end of the matter. I find myself, after all, obliged to renounce thy Optimism.”
“Optimism,” said Cacambo, “what is that?”
“Alas!” replied Candide, “it is the obstinacy of maintaining that everything is best when it is worst.”
And so saying he turned his eyes towards the poor Negro, and shed a flood of tears; and in this weeping mood he entered the town of Surinam.
Immediately upon their arrival our travelers inquired if there was any vessel in the harbor which they might send to Buenos Ayres. The person they addressed themselves to happened to be the master of a Spanish bark, who offered to agree with them on moderate terms, and appointed them a meeting at a public house. Thither Candide and his faithful Cacambo went to wait for him, taking with them their two sheep.
Candide, who was all frankness and sincerity, made an ingenuous recital of his adventures to the Spaniard, declaring to him at the same time his resolution of carrying off Miss Cunegund from the Governor of Buenos Ayres.
“Oh, ho!” said the shipmaster, “if that is the case, get whom you please to carry you to Buenos Ayres; for my part, I wash my hands of the affair. It would prove a hanging matter to us all. The fair Cunegund is the Governor’s favorite mistress.”
These words were like a clap of thunder to Candide; he wept bitterly for a long time, and, taking Cacambo aside, he said to him, “I’ll tell you, my dear friend, what you must do. We have each of us in our pockets to the value of five or six millions in diamonds; you are cleverer at these matters than I; you must go to Buenos Ayres and bring off Miss Cunegund. If the Governor makes any difficulty give him a million; if he holds out, give him two; as you have not killed an Inquisitor, they will have no suspicion of you. I’ll fit out another ship and go to Venice, where I will wait for you. Venice is a free country, where we shall have nothing to fear from Bulgarians, Abares, Jews or Inquisitors.”
Cacambo greatly applauded this wise resolution. He was inconsolable at the thoughts of parting with so good a master, who treated him more like an intimate friend than a servant; but the pleasure of being able to do him a service soon got the better of his sorrow. They embraced each other with a flood of tears. Candide charged him not to forget the old woman. Cacambo set out the same day. This Cacambo was a very honest fellow.
Candide continued some days longer at Surinam, waiting for any captain to carry him and his two remaining sheep to Italy. He hired domestics, and purchased many things necessary for a long voyage; at length Mynheer Vanderdendur, skipper of a large Dutch vessel, came and offered his service.
“What will you have,” said Candide, “to carry me, my servants, my baggage, and these two sheep you see here, directly to Venice?”
The skipper asked ten thousand piastres, and Candide agreed to his demand without hestitation.
“Ho, ho!” said the cunning Vanderdendur to himself, “this stranger must be very rich; he agrees to give me ten thousand piastres without hesitation.”
Returning a little while after, he told Candide that upon second consideration he could not undertake the voyage for less than twenty thousand.
“Very well; you shall have them,” said Candide.
“Zounds!” said the skipper to himself, “this man agrees to pay twenty thousand piastres with as much ease as ten.”
Accordingly he went back again, and told him roundly that he would not carry him to Venice for less than thirty thousand piastres.
“Then you shall have thirty thousand,” said Candide.
“Odso!” said the Dutchman once more to himself, “thirty thousand piastres seem a trifle to this man. Those sheep must certainly be laden with an immense treasure. I’ll e’en stop here and ask no more; but make him pay down the thirty thousand piastres, and then we may see what is to be done farther.”
Candide sold two small diamonds, the least of which was worth more than all the skipper asked. He paid him beforehand, the two sheep were put on board, and Candide followed in a small boat to join the vessel in the road. The skipper took advantage of his opportunity, hoisted sail, and put out to sea with a favorable wind. Candide, confounded and amazed, soon lost sight of the ship.
“Alas!” said he, “this is a trick like those in our old world!”
He returned back to the shore overwhelmed with grief; and, indeed, he had lost what would have made the fortune of twenty monarchs.
Straightway upon his landing he applied to the Dutch magistrate; being transported with passion he thundered at the door, which being opened, he went in, told his case, and talked a little louder than was necessary. The magistrate began with fining him ten thousand piastres for his petulance, and then listened very patiently to what he had to say, promised to examine into the affair on the skipper’s return, and ordered him to pay ten thousand piastres more for the fees of the court.
This treatment put Candide out of all patience; it is true, he had suffered misfortunes a thousand times more grievous, but the cool insolence of the judge, and the villainy of the skipper raised his choler and threw him into a deep melancholy. The villainy of mankind presented itself to his mind in all its deformity, and his soul was a prey to the most gloomy ideas. After some time, hearing that the captain of a French ship was ready to set sail for Bordeaux, as he had no more sheep loaded with diamonds to put on board, he hired the cabin at the usual price; and made it known in the town that he would pay the passage and board of any honest man who would give him his company during the voyage; besides making him a present of ten thousand piastres, on condition that such person was the most dissatisfied with his condition, and the most unfortunate in the whole province.
Upon this there appeared such a crowd of candidates that a large fleet could not have contained them. Candide, willing to choose from among those who appeared most likely to answer his intention, selected twenty, who seemed to him the most sociable, and who all pretended to merit the preference. He invited them to his inn, and promised to treat them with a supper, on condition that every man should bind himself by an oath to relate his own history; declaring at the same time, that he would make choice of that person who should appear to him the most deserving of compassion, and the most justly dissatisfied with his condition in life; and that he would make a present to the rest.
This extraordinary assembly continued sitting till four in the morning. Candide, while he was listening to their adventures, called to mind what the old woman had said to him in their voyage to Buenos Ayres, and the wager she had laid that there was not a person on board the ship but had met with great misfortunes. Every story he heard put him in mind of Pangloss.
“My old master,” said he, “would be confoundedly put to it to demonstrate his favorite system. Would he were here! Certainly if everything is for the best, it is in El Dorado, and not in the other parts of the world.”
At length he determined in favor of a poor scholar, who had labored ten years for the booksellers at Amsterdam: being of opinion that no employment could be more detestable.
This scholar, who was in fact a very honest man, had been robbed by his wife, beaten by his son, and forsaken by his daughter, who had run away with a Portuguese. He had been likewise deprived of a small employment on which he subsisted, and he was persecuted by the clergy of Surinam, who took him for a Socinian. It must be acknowledged that the other competitors were, at least, as wretched as he; but Candide was in hopes that the company of a man of letters would relieve the tediousness of the voyage. All the other candidates complained that Candide had done them great injustice, but he stopped their mouths by a present of a hundred piastres to each.