David Bruce: The Funniest People in Music, Volume 3 — Husbands and Wives, Injuries and Illnesses

Husbands and Wives

• Jazz musician Dave Brubeck attended the University of the Pacific, and occasionally he returned there to perform. One day, while he was there, a student said to him, “Where did you meet your wife?” This was the perfect place to ask Mr. Brubeck that question because he pointed to a door located to the left of the stage and answered, “Coming through that door.” At a later performance at the University of the Pacific, Mr. and Mrs. Brubeck received a very nice surprise. A dean of the university revealed a plaque that stated, “Dave Brubeck and Iola Whitlock started their musical life coming through this door.” Because of that, the two left their archives to the University of the Pacific.

• Musicians have an advantage over ordinary people: creativity in proposing. Electronic one-man band Martin Dosh proposed to his wife, Erin, by singing a song to her: “I Think I’m Getting Married.” From an early age, he knew that he liked music. When asked what he wanted to be when he grew up, he replied that he wanted to be a singing carpenter.

Injuries and Illnesses

• When Marshall Mathers, now better known as rap singer Eminem, was in the 4th grade, a 6th-grade bully named D’Angelo Bailey frequently tormented him. Eventually, D’Angelo attacked young Marshall so fiercely that Marshall ended up in the hospital with a cerebral hemorrhage. Later, Eminem wrote and performed a rap song titled “Brain Damage” about the attack. In it, he attacked D’Angelo — with words and rhymes — so fiercely that D’Angelo sued him for $1 million in a defamation suit. The judge ruled against D’Angelo, pointing out that Eminem had clearly exaggerated in his rap song and that what he sang was obviously not to be taken seriously. For one thing, Eminem wrote that D’Angelo had attacked him so fiercely and injured him so badly that his brain had fallen out of his head. The judge, Deborah Servitto, wrote a 10-stanza rhyme that delivered her decision. It included these lines: “It is therefore this court’s ultimate position, that Eminem is entitled to summary disposition.” By the way, the name Eminem comes from his initials: M’n’M, short for Marshall Mathers.

• This will come as a surprise to absolutely no one, but creative people have creative ideas. For example, rapper Hollywood Holt suffered a mishap in Vancouver when he was struggling out of a pair of tight jeans and cut his arm severely when it went through a window. No fool, he got to a hospital fast, but even so the doctors talked about a possible amputation. Mr. Holt says, “I was seriously thinking about this sh*t, while I was laying out in pain: ‘If my hand gets cut off, I’m gonna build some sort of cool prosthetic ape-man-style hand.’ And I woulda seriously built that.”

• As a little girl, Ernestine Schumann-Heink used to sing with great volume. One day, she was practicing her singing and really belting out the tune. The little boy of the rope-maker who lived nearby came running and gave her a glass filled with liquid and asked her to drink it. When she asked what it was, the little boy said, “My mother says you must have an awful stomachache because you are screaming so loud! She says that you should drink this and then go right away to bed.”

• Willie Nelson’s friend Zeke Varner suffered from back pain, so he went to a doctor for some pain pills. The doctor showed him the available pills for pain, saying that the red pills offered the best pain relief, but that they were very addictive. Mr. Varner replied, “Doc, I am seventy years old. I am addicted to nicotine, alcohol, caffeine, and a dozen other things. What’s one more?”

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Copyright by Bruce D. Bruce; All Rights Reserved

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