Husbands and Wives
• Goodman Ace was a comedian of the 1950s who had his own highly successful radio show and worked as a writer on Milton Berle’s TV show. He knew many of the famous comedians of his day. While walking with Groucho Marx in New York, the two passed a wedding. Groucho, who had been divorced twice, tapped the bride on her shoulder and said softly, “I tried it twice—it’s no good.”
• As a Valentine’s Day surprise for his wife, Nell, comedian Garry Moore hired a skywriter to create this message in the sky: “GARRY LOVES NELL.” (One of his presents to her was a belt with rivets spelling out the rather crowded words “MY NAME IS NELL I AM A MARRIED LADY BUT THANK YOU JUST THE SAME.”)
• Natalie Schafer, who played Mrs. Thurston Howell on Gilligan’s Island, kept her age strictly a secret. (When she died in 1990, she was 90 years old.) When her husband, Louis Calhern, was on his deathbed, he asked her to reveal her age to him. She looked her dying husband straight in the eyes and replied, “Never!”
• After seeing Elizabeth Taylor appear on television wearing her new, huge diamond given to her by her husband, Richard Burton, comedian Zero Mostel told his friends, “I wanted to buy that diamond for Kate [his wife], but that son-of-a-bitch Burton outbid me by $50.”
• Comedian Rita Rudner bought a massage for her husband as a birthday gift. Big mistake. The doorbell rang, Rita answered it, and a beautiful, blonde, 18-year-old woman said, “I’m here to give your husband a massage.” Ms. Rudner replied, “He’s dead.”
• When Gracie Allen was young, she had a crush on Charlie Chaplin. Once, she met him—and he even kissed her on the cheek! Whenever George Burns would ask her to say something funny, Gracie replied, “Charlie Chaplin.”
• Movie director Billy Wilder had a strange sense of humor. While he was in Paris, his wife asked him to buy a bidet. He was unable to buy one, so he wired his wife, “Unable obtain bidet. Suggest handstand in shower.”
• Redd Foxx married a beautiful but small-talented singer. After one of her concerts, she asked him, “How’d I sound tonight?” Mr. Foxx replied, “Honey, you hit a note tonight that curdled the drinks.”
• In 1954, comedian Ernie Kovacs married singer Edie Adams. The marriage vows were in Spanish—which neither the groom nor the bride understood.
Illnesses and Injuries
• While serving as a soldier in World War II, Spike Milligan knew a young soldier named Sergeant Cusak, who became the first in the group to get crabs. Sergeant Cusak went to Piccadilly to fill a prescription for blue unction—whose only function is to treat crabs. Not wanting to be embarrassed, he whispered to the pharmacist, “Can I have some blue unction?” Unfortunately, the pharmacist asked loudly, “BLUE UNCTION?” Knowing that everyone had heard the pharmacist, Sergeant Cusak replied loudly, “YES, I’VE GOT BLOODY CRABS!”
• Movie actor Christopher Reeve’s life changed on May 27, 1995. While competing in an equestrian event, he broke his neck and was totally paralyzed. In October of that year, a Russian doctor entered his room and started making insane comments. Mr. Reeve recognized the Russian doctor as an old friend—comedian Robin Williams—and he started laughing. Mr. Reeve says about the visit, “I knew I was going to be all right.” Well, maybe not totally all right—Mr. Williams was pretending to be a Russian proctologist.
• When Jack Benny was ill, he had to get shots in his backside twice a week. His nurse gave him his shots in alternate cheeks, but sometimes she had trouble remembering which cheek should receive the next shot. So finally Mr. Benny walked into the doctor’s office, dropped his pants, and on one cheek was printed “Tues” and on the other, “Thurs.”
• David Letterman gets some of his ideas for his material from such publications as the National Enquirer. For one story, the Enquirer used this headline: “How to Lose Weight Without Diet or Exercise.” Mr. Letterman thought logically and realized, “That leaves disease.”
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Copyright by Bruce D. Bruce; All Rights Reserved
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