December 25, 2020 – davidbruceblog #2

Letters

• Jimmy Durante used to close his performances by saying, “Good night, Mrs. Calabash—wherever you are.” Frequently, people would write him letters asking who Mrs. Calabash was; Mr. Durante always wrote back, “Thank you for your letter about Mrs. Calabash. I’d like to tell you about her, but there are some things a gentleman doesn’t talk about.”

Mishaps

• Shemp Howard was a member of the Three Stooges for 10 years after Curly had a stroke in 1946. While shooting the short Brideless Groom, an actress was supposed to slap Shemp around, but she was afraid she would hurt him and so she pulled her punches way too much. Shemp pleaded with her to really let him have it—and she did, giving Shemp a long series of hard slaps and finally knocking him through a door. Afterward, she tearfully apologized to a groggy Shemp, who replied, “It’s all right, Honey. I said you should cut loose, and you did. You sure as hell did.”

• The family of Donald O’Connor performed in vaudeville and traveled in a car with all of their costumes, tumbling mats, and other stage paraphernalia. One day, a little smoke started coming from the car. Someone yelled “Fire!”—and people grabbed axes and fire extinguishers from their office buildings and, Mr. O’Connor says, “literally beat our act to death.”

• Silent-film comedian Ben Turpin, who was famous for his crossed eyes, saved his money and had a happy retirement. When he was an old man, he enjoyed directing rush-hour traffic in downtown Los Angeles. With his crossed eyes and wildly swinging arms, he always managed to royally screw up traffic.

Money

• Country comedian Jerry Clower knew a very religious general store owner named Duvall Scott who recites a Bible verse every time he opens the cash register drawer to put money in. For example, if a child buys a piece of candy, Mr. Scott will open the cash register drawer and say, “Suffer the little children to come unto me.” If a son comes in to buy something for his father, then Mr. Scott will open the cash register drawer and say, “Honor thy father and mother.” One day, a city fellow driving a big car and pulling a fancy horse trailer came in to buy a horse blanket. Mr. Scott went to the back of the store, brought back a blanket and said, “That’ll be $5.” The city fellow said, “This is a real expensive horse. I don’t put any $5 blankets on him,” so Mr. Scott went to the back of the store and looked over his stock. All he had was one kind of horse blanket in different colors, so he put the blanket down, picked up another blanket of a different color, brought it to the front of the store, and said, “That’ll be $25.” The city fellow said, “My horse is famous—too famous for a $25 blanket. Do you have anything better?” Mr. Scott went to the back of the store again, picked up yet another blanket in yet another color, brought it to the front of the store, and said, “That’ll be $50.” This time, the city fellow was satisfied, and he cheerfully handed over the $50, then walked out of the store. Of course, the other people in the store knew what was going on, and they wondered which Bible verse Mr. Scott would quote. Mr. Scott put the money in the drawer, and he said, “He was a stranger, and I took him in.”

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