Some try on selves like swimsuits
does it fit, flatter, get noticed.
Some believe they are
winnowing down to their true self.
Some try affirmations to
create a new self.
Most just get on with life
then wake up one morning
and see the gulf between
who they once were
Copyright © 2020 Kim Whysall-Hammond
Happy New Year!!Self — The Cheesesellers Wife
• As a Jewish comedian, Groucho Marx endured anti-Semitism—and mocked it. One summer, he tried to join a beach club so that his son could enjoy the water. However, the manager of the club told him, “We don’t allow Jews to swim at our beach.” Groucho replied, “What about my son? He’s only half-Jewish. Would it be all right if he went into the water up to his knees?”
• When comedian Bob Smith’s grandmother found out that a family she was friends with would be kept out of her country club because they were Jewish, she protested by inviting every Jewish friend she had to a luncheon at the country club. Eventually, through the efforts of Mr. Smith’s grandfather, the Jewish friends became members of the country club.
• In Ocean City, Maryland, stand-up comedian Steve Mittleman walked out on stage to do his act. A man in the audience yelled, “You look Jewish.” Mr. Mittleman replied, “You look prejudiced.”
• As a teenager, Jay Leno got a job at a Ford saleslot doing odds and ends. Among his jobs was taking the hubcaps off the cars at night so they wouldn’t be stolen and putting them back on the next day. One day, as he was carrying the hubcaps, he met the new sales manager, a man who made him so nervous that he dropped the hubcaps. This made the new sales manager furious. He yelled at Jay, “This is the Ford Motor Company. You can’t treat our property this way! You’re fired! Get out!” Jay was ashamed to lose his job, so after thinking for a couple of days, he wrote the top guy—Henry Ford II in Detroit—asking for his job back. Soon, Jay’s old boss called him and said, “I don’t know who the hell you know in Detroit, but if you want your old job back, come on back here.”
• Jackie Gleason’s big spending habits in his adult life may have something to do with his extreme poverty while growing up in New York City. His father left him and his mother, and the two had a rough time trying to survive. In 1952, after Mr. Gleason had become successful in show business, a friend walked into Jackie’s bedroom and saw him packing a steamer trunk with clothes that had been wrapped around stacks of dollar bills in different denominations. When the friend asked him what he was doing, Jackie said, “I have been poor before in my life. Right now, I’m rich. So I’m packing a cash nest egg in this trunk, and I’m sending it to a warehouse with a ‘will call’ on it in case I ever need it.”
• Lesbian humorist Ellen Orleans ran into a problem when she acquired her Honda Accord. She is short, and she had trouble reaching the pedals—even after she had moved the seat as far forward as it would go. Therefore, she took the car to her mechanic to see how much it would cost to extend the floor tracks of the seat so she could move it further forward. How much? Too much! Fortunately, her car mechanic is highly intelligent, and he solved the problem in an original manner. He simply bolted a hockey puck to each of the pedals—gas, brake, and clutch. Now Ms. Orleans can comfortably and safely reach the pedals.
• In 1977, Brett Butler was reading water meters in Alabama. To escape the monotony of that boring job, she enlisted in the Bulldozer Repair Division of the United States Army. However, on the very first day of duty, she changed her mind and informed her recruiting officer that she wanted out of the Army. He declined, saying, “We own your sorry *ss.” The recruiting officer’s attitude made Ms. Butler perform with grace under fire. “Look,” she said, “if I have to fly a hammer-and-sickle flag, stick a needle in my arm, and start eating p—sy, I will!” She was discharged—and quickly.
Copyright by Bruce D. Bruce; All Rights Reserved
The Funniest People in Comedy — Buy
BRUCE’S RECOMMENDATION OF BANDCAMP MUSIC
Music: “Chocolate Cake”
Album: WOODFACE REIMAGINED
Artist: Sugar Snow
Artist Location: Boston, Massachusetts
Info: The vocalist is Simone Berk, who also is part of the group Kid Gulliver.
“pretty, sad, honest and raw
“this is sugar snow”
Vocals: Sugar Snow (Simone Berk)
Price: $1 (USD) for track; $10 (USD) for 14-track album