David Bruce: The Funniest People in Relationships — Husbands and Wives

Husbands and Wives

• Comedian Bob Newhart’s first date with his future wife, Virginia “Ginny” Quinn, was inauspicious. Mr. Newhart wasn’t hungry, so he ordered a drink at the restaurant and watched her as she ate. This made her so nervous that she spilled mayonnaise on her dress. Mr. Newhart then announced that they were going to visit Carl Reiner and his family — people whom Ginny had never met. Once again, Ginny was nervous and during the entire visit she used her purse to cover the mayonnaise stain. About their first date, Ginny says, “I could have killed Bob.”

• Ivan Jadan, the premier lyric tenor of the Bolshoi Opera from 1928-1941, sang at the wedding of Barbara Mitchell, a friend in the Virgin Islands. He sang “The Lord’s Prayer” at the wedding, then he sang Russian and Ukrainian folk songs at the reception. He was quite a good singer. After listening to him for over an hour, Barbara knew that it was time for her and her husband to go on their honeymoon, but she asked her mother, “Do I really have to leave?” (A man who had heard Mr. Jadan sing once remarked, “He doesn’t sing; he prays.”)

• When Mark Twain wanted to marry Olivia Langdon, the daughter of a wealthy family in Connecticut, her father asked him to provide character references. Mr. Twain gave him the names of some prominent men, including ministers, whom he had known in the West. Unfortunately, the men reported that Mr. Twain was “born to be hung” and would end up in a “drunkard’s grave.” Nevertheless, Mr. Langdon allowed Mr. Twain to marry his daughter, saying, “Take the girl. I know you better than they do.”

• The 18th-century eccentric Timothy Dexter, who lived in Newburyport, Massachusetts, wanted a street named after himself in the town. The town officials declined to do so, and even Mr. Dexter’s wife thought that it was a bad idea. However, Mr. Dexter found a novel way to get revenge on his wife. He simply woke up one morning and started referring to her as “the ghost that was my wife.” She continued to live with him from that year, 1795, until he died in 1806, but he denied her living presence for all those years.

• When Albert Schweitzer met and fell in love with Helene Breslau, he had already formed a plan to go to Africa as a physician. He knew that his plan would result in lots of hardship, and he told Helene that he was worried that the hardship would be too much for her. Helene replied, “I will take a training course in nursing, and then you won’t be able to get along without me.” That’s exactly what happened. She did take the training course, and she went to Africa as Dr. Schweitzer’s nurse and wife.

• In his Answer Man column, film critic Roger Ebert answered a question by Matt Sandler about who was the world’s most beautiful woman by saying that she was Indian actress Aishwarya Rai. In a later Answer Man column, a reader stated that Mr. Ebert should have answered the question by saying, “My wife.” However, Mr. Ebert had a good reason for not answering the question that way: “Matt Sandler asked about women, not goddesses.”

• Stephen Wozniak is famous because he and Steven Jobs started Apple, Inc. together. Mr. Wozniak met his wife when she dialed a Dial-a-Polish-Joke phone line he had set up. He talked with her for a few minutes, then said, “I bet I can hang up faster than you.” He won, but a few days later she called him again and they set up a date. To decide whether to marry her, he flipped a coin — and kept on flipping it until it said to marry her.

• Some spouses are very accommodating. While illustrating his Caldecott Medal-winning children’s book, Jumanji, Chris Van Allsburg used photographs and models, as well as drawing from his imagination. He needed to draw pictures of monkeys, but he couldn’t find any photographs of monkeys in the exact poses he needed, so his wife posed for him and he drew the monkeys using her as the model.

***

Copyright by Bruce D. Bruce; All Rights Reserved

***

The Funniest People in Relationships — Buy

The Funniest People in Relationships — Buy The Paperback

The Funniest People in Relationships — Kindle

The Funniest People in Relationships — Apple

The Funniest People in Relationships — Barnes and Noble

The Funniest People in Relationships — Kobo

The Funniest People in Relationships — Smashwords: Many formats, Including PDF

Music Recommendation: Derek Luttrell — “Punches at Ghosts”

BRUCE’S RECOMMENDATION OF BANDCAMP MUSIC

Music: “Punches at Ghosts”

Album: THE BOY WHO CRIED WOLF

Artist: Derek Luttrell

Artist Location: Nashville, Tennessee

Info:

“Derek Lutrell was voted Rockford’s Sexiest Man. It doesn’t hurt that he has a lush voice, and a beautiful heart. Starting off as a solo musician who would play folk songs for sad people in local bars, he has since found his footing as a band leader and writing force. Derek has a way of sucking you in to his world and letting you wade around in the muddy waters that are his thoughts. Influenced by the writing of Steve Earle, Harry Nilsson, and John Prine; Derek puts a modern spin on some classic songwriting subject matter. His songs take a quick 3-minute peek at life, love, hate, death, and everything in-between. By the end of your listen, you most often leave with more questions than answers.” — Corporate Panda Records

Vocals / Guitar – Derek Luttrell 
Bass / Electric Guitar – Jason Krunnfusz 
Keys / Pedal Steel / Percussion – Daniel Pingrey 
Drums – Andy James Welsch 
Aux – Zach Staas

Price: $1 for track; $12 for 14-track album

Genre: Singer-Songwriter

Links:

THE BOY WHO CRIED WOLF

https://derekluttrell.bandcamp.com/album/the-wolf-who-cried-boy

Derek Luttrell on Bandcamp

https://derekluttrell.bandcamp.com

Reading Aloud + Family History = The Best Learning — A Teacher’s Reflections

We often take it for granted that we have fresh water to drink.  Children certainly do. In our chapter reading book, “Little House on the Prairie”, Pa and Mr. Scott dig a well.  Learning where fresh water comes from was one thing, adding real stories and pictures about my family brought the story to life. […]

Reading Aloud + Family History = The Best Learning — A Teacher’s Reflections

David Bruce: The Funniest People in Relationships — Husbands and Wives

Husbands and Wives

• Texas actor Marco Perella has a lot of respect for Drew Barrymore, with whom he worked in a movie titled Home Fries — he played a bad guy to her good girl. After the filming of the movie was completed, a bouquet of flowers arrived at Mr. Perella’s home with a note reading, “Thanks for a wonderful time. Love, Drew.” Underneath the signature was a lipstick kiss. Of course, Mrs. Perella was very interested in this bouquet and note, although nothing unprofessional had ever occurred between her husband and Ms. Barrymore. Mr. Perella finally convinced his wife that Ms. Barrymore had no doubt sent flowers and notes to every actor involved in the movie, but he noticed when the movie came out that his wife watched — very carefully — the scenes between him and Ms. Barrymore.

• Donna Kloker of Great Falls, Montana, had a match-making student in one of the junior high courses she taught. The boy tried to match Donna with a barber in a barbershop where the boy shined shoes, even giving the barber Donna’s telephone number. (Unfortunately, she was busy on the night that the barber wanted to set up a date.) One day, when she took the class on a field trip to the police station, the barber was inside, paying a traffic ticket. The student yelled, “That’s him! That’s him!” Then he pointed to Donna and told the barber, “That’s her!” A few days later, Donna visited the barbershop — with the excuse of wanting to talk to her student — and some time afterward she and the barber were married.

• At a performance of Tannhaeuser at the Metropolitan Opera, the singer playing the part of the Shepherd Boy became ill, so the stage manager, Paul Schumann, asked his wife, Ernestine Schumann-Heink, to take over the part. However, when the Shepherd Boy was supposed to come on stage and sing, Ms. Schumann-Heink simply stuck her head above a stage rock and sang without showing more of herself. Later, when she was asked why she had done that, she explained, “The Shepherd’s Boy costume calls for tights, and that husband of mine — do you think he would let me step out before an audience and show my legs? Not he!”

• Ashe King worked at a dance studio and taught ballet. One day, a woman called to ask about the required clothing for her husband, who was thinking of taking a beginners’ class. Mr. King explained that her husband would need ballet slippers, ballet tights, and a dance belt. When the woman asked what a dance belt was, Mr. King answered that all male dancers wore one, as it served to keep everything from flopping around. The woman then responded, “I can assure you, my husband does not need one of those — he is too small!” (The woman’s husband never showed up for dance class, probably because he was too embarrassed.)

• One day, Jay Leno and his wife, Mavis, decided to get in their car and go out for pizza. On this particular day, a Gay Pride March was being held, and they drove into the midst of a confusing scene. A police officer motioned them forward, and since Jay thought the officer was trying to help him get through the confusion, he followed the officer’s directions. However, the officer put him in the midst of the parade. Jay and his wife drove for five miles as part of the parade, and all along the route he kept hearing people say, “Hey, look! I didn’t know Jay Leno was gay!” Mr. Leno’s wife thought this was hilarious.

• One cold night, children’s book author Joanna Cole and her husband, Phil, put an electric blanket on their bed incorrectly — her controls made his part of the blanket warmer or cooler, while his controls made her part of the blanket warmer or cooler. Joanna was freezing, so she kept turning up the heat. Eventually, she had turned up the heat as high as it would go and her husband jumped out of bed because he was burning up — only then did they figure out what had happened. According to Ms. Cole, she and her husband are not quite as mixed up as her characters Big Goof and Little Goof.

***

Copyright by Bruce D. Bruce; All Rights Reserved

***

The Funniest People in Relationships — Buy

The Funniest People in Relationships — Buy The Paperback

The Funniest People in Relationships — Kindle

The Funniest People in Relationships — Apple

The Funniest People in Relationships — Barnes and Noble

The Funniest People in Relationships — Kobo

The Funniest People in Relationships — Smashwords: Many formats, Including PDF

Music Recommendation: Annie Hendriz — “Fake It ’Til You Make It”

BRUCE’S RECOMMENDATION OF BANDCAMP MUSIC

Music: “Fake It ’Til You Make It”

Album: FOLKISH

Artist: Annie Hendrix

Artist Location: California

Info: San Francisco Bay Area-based songwriter, composer, music producer.

Lyra, a fan, wrote, “This is a really beautiful, personal album! I love the instrumentation; it feels like I’m listening to a traveling band of bards. Favorite track: ‘Joan.’”

Music & Lyrics by Annie Hendrix, except “Silence,” music by Travis W. Hendrix, lyrics by Annie Hendrix 

Performed by Annie Hendrix – vocals, guitar, violin 
Travis W. Hendrix – oud, ocarina, guitar, mandolin, bass, 
backing vocals, additional tambourine 
Ben Weiner – percussion, piano 
Fionna Lane – backing vocals 
Kalei Yamanoha – steel guitar 
Seb Shader – violin 
Andrew Cohen – helicon 

Price: $1.29 for track; $11.99 for 11-track album

Genre: Folk

Links:

FOLKISH

https://anniehendrix.bandcamp.com/album/folkish

Annie Hendrix on Bandcamp

https://anniehendrix.bandcamp.com

Annie Hendrix on YouTube

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCfRZVHfMjBZwrOUSprH3ujQ

Annie Hendrix Official Website

https://anniehendrixmusic.com

Battlefield land — t r e f o l o g y

As far as I can estimate,

There were no notable Civil War battles

in California.

***

That does not leave my

Civil War re-enactment group

with a lot to re-enact.

***

So, we mostly just sit around in

old-timey clothes,

drink lemonade,

& say things like,

“What’s the news from Washington?”

Battlefield land — t r e f o l o g y

David Bruce: The Funniest People in Relationships — Gifts, Grandparents, Husbands and Wives

Gifts

• In the late 19th century, when the Crown Prince of Germany was engaged to the Princess, they stayed at Balmoral, where they found some white heather while walking. After they were married, the Crown Prince again stayed at Balmoral, where he found some white heather in the same place they had last found it. Knowing how much the Princess liked white heather, the Crown Prince sent it to her.

• Sara, the wife of world-famous tenor Richard Tucker, was proud of her husband. Once, a business associate was trying to come up with a good idea for a gift for Mr. Tucker, so he asked Sara if he should give him calling cards. Sara replied, “What does he need calling cards for? Everybody knows who Richard Tucker is.”

Grandparents

• When comedian Arte Johnson was growing up on a farm in Michigan, everyone canned their own vegetables. One day, his family was boiling the canning jars to sterilize them when someone noticed a mouse in a spill area under the stove. They immediately shouted for Grampa to come and take care of the mouse. Annoyed, he came running from the barn carrying a shotgun, then aimed at the mouse and fired. He missed the mouse, but he did manage to shatter every canning jar on top of the stove. According to Mr. Johnson, “The green beans exploded and were hanging from the ceiling like stalactites for weeks.”

• When Walter Slezak got a job acting in New York, his grandmother sent a note to the captain of the ship that would take him to America. The note said this: “My grandson is sailing on your ship to America. Please keep an eye on him and drive carefully.” The note amused the captain. On one occasion, Mr. Slezak was playing cards at 3:30 a.m., so the captain sent his steward to tell him it was time to go to bed. On another occasion, the seas were rough, so the captain sent Mr. Slezak a note: “I am driving carefully.”

• Ruth Anderson was the council president of the Akron, Ohio, Covenant Community Church. One year, her four-year-old granddaughter visited her all the way from Massachusetts. Ms. Anderson took her granddaughter to church, although her granddaughter’s parents were not regular church-attending people. The granddaughter was impressed by the experience and told her parents, “They have a place they go to here in Ohio. They call it church.”

• Poet Nikki Giovanni, author of “Ego-Tripping,” believes in family, and she also believes in being prepared. She feels that grandmothers ought to know how to bake cookies and other goodies for children, and when she learned that she would soon be a grandmother, she learned how to bake.

Husbands and Wives

• A couple of coincidences saved the lives of married dancers Marian Ladré and Illaria Obidenna Ladré. Because Mrs. Ladré couldn’t get a visa, she stayed behind in Romania while her husband went on tour in South America. Mrs. Ladré couldn’t get a visa because of a mistake made by her mother, who couldn’t speak much Romanian. When the Romanian bureaucrat asked her where her daughter was born, she thought they were asking her where her daughter was staying, and so she answered the question incorrectly. Because of the mistake, the bureaucrat wouldn’t give her daughter a visa. The mistake saved Mrs. Ladré’s life. Later, she started hemorrhaging and needed medical care immediately. If she had been in the jungles of South America, she would not have received the medical care she needed. At the same time Mrs. Ladré fell ill, her husband was on a train in the jungles of Brazil, unable to sleep because of worrying about his wife. The axle under his train car started burning. Because Mr. Ladré was awake, he was able to have the train stopped before an accident occurred.

***

Copyright by Bruce D. Bruce; All Rights Reserved

***

The Funniest People in Relationships — Buy

The Funniest People in Relationships — Buy The Paperback

The Funniest People in Relationships — Kindle

The Funniest People in Relationships — Apple

The Funniest People in Relationships — Barnes and Noble

The Funniest People in Relationships — Kobo

The Funniest People in Relationships — Smashwords: Many formats, Including PDF

Music Recommendation: Draculina — “Dracula’s Theme”

BRUCE’S RECOMMENDATION OF BANDCAMP MUSIC

Music: “Dracula’s Theme”

EP: STRIP TRIP TO MIRACLE COVE

Artist: Draculina

Artist Location: St. Petersburg, Russia

Info: “Debut EP by DRACULINA from Saint Petersburg, Russia. Featuring bassist Polina Draculina (previously with Black Lagoons and Messer Chups), who is joined by guitarist Paul Mochalov (Coffin Wheels), drummer Andrew Egorov, and percussionist Larry Mullins (Nick Cave and The Bad Seeds, Iggy Pop, The Stooges, The Swans)!” 

Recorded at Partizan Records in Saint Petersburg, Russia.

Polina Draculina – bass 
Paul Mochalov – guitar 
Andrew Egorov – drums 
Larry Mullins – percussion, vibraphone

Price: $1 for track; $3 for four-track EP

Genre: Instrumental Surf

Links:

STRIP TRIP TO MIRACLE COVE

https://draculinaofficial.bandcamp.com/album/strip-trip-to-miracle-cove

Draculina on Bandcamp

https://draculinaofficial.bandcamp.com