David Bruce: The Funniest People in Television and Radio: 250 Anecdotes — Auditions, Autographs, Bathrooms


• David Hasselhoff starred in Baywatch, which was a huge international hit. Earlier, he had struggled as an actor, and so he was kind to struggling actors. Often, after a first scene in an audition he knew that he could not use a particular actor in the TV series, but he would allow the actor to do a second scene anyway. Why? He says he did this “because I knew they’d practiced, because I knew how much it hurt me when I got rejected when I first started.”

• Early in her career, Lucille Ball wanted to be a showgirl. During one audition, producers lined the women up in a line, then walked down the line, looking the women over. Lucy knew that some of the other women were better endowed than she, so she stuffed her bodice with toilet paper. Unfortunately, some of the toilet paper was sticking out of her bodice — this did get Lucy noticed!


• Diana Rigg, who played the very sexy Mrs. Emma Peel on The Avengers, once declined to sign an autograph for a fan by saying, “I’m sorry, but it’s illegal to sign autographs in the street.” (It’s not, of course.) It was Ms. Rigg’s mother who answered fan mail from overeager youths by writing, “My daughter is much too old for you and what you need is a good run around the block.”

• A woman was a little too much obsessed with soap opera Another World star Paul Michael Valley. Once Mr. Valley fell and hit his head on a fireplace mantle on the set. He was put on a stretcher to be rushed to the hospital when a woman handed him a pen and asked for his autograph, saying, “I know this is a bad time ….”


• An English lady — Miss Jean Marsh, actress (star of Upstairs, Downstairs) — was given a crash course in American euphemisms before coming to New York City for the first time. Her mentors told her that in American polite society, one does not use the word “toilet.” Instead, one uses such phrases and words as “ladies room,” “powder room,” “restroom,” and “lounge.” She arrived at a television studio in New York City, where a man was to give her a tour. But first he asked her, “Before I take you on a tour of the studio, would you like to use the facilities?” Miss Marsh replied, “Oh, no, I’m not mechanical at all — I’d be afraid to touch anything!”

• When Robert L. Mott was working for the Captain Kangaroo Show live on TV, his sound effects room was located next to the building’s only women’s restroom. The flushes from this bathroom were very loud, and Mr. Mott understandably did not want the sound of the flushes to be heard on the children’s program; therefore, before each show started, he put an “Out of Order” sign on the door of the restroom. One show, he had just turned on the microphone for a sound effect on the show, when a woman screeched, “OUT OF ORDER! OH, F**K!”

• When Tracey Ullman was 13 years old, she heard a knock on the door. When she answered it, she discovered a woman, who asked to use the bathroom. Tracey led the woman to the bathroom, which turned out to be a mistake because the woman was a bag lady who locked the door, then proceeded to take a shower, wash her hair, and shave her legs. Finally, Tracey’s stepfather picked the lock and was able to get her out of their home.

• In the 1960s, Ethel Winant was the head of casting for CBS, and as head of casting, she was a powerful woman at a time when few powerful women existed in television. In fact, no women’s restroom was close to her office. Whenever she needed to make use of a restroom, she went to the men’s restroom — and left her high heels outside the door so her male co-workers would know not to enter.


Copyright by Bruce D. Bruce; All Rights Reserved


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Music Recommendation: Vancleef — “Rio Hondo”


Music: “Rio Hondo”


Artist: Vancleef

Artist Location: Finland

Info: ‘le colt cantarono la morte…’ … (the colt sang death…)

“Unmastered version (for the best results, turn up the speaker volume)”

“Mastering is the final stage of audio production—the process of putting the finishing touches on a song by enhancing the overall sound, creating consistency across the album, and preparing it for distribution.” — isotope


Price: Name Your Price (Includes FREE) for six-track EP

Genre: Spaghetti Western




Vancleef on Bandcamp


Vancleef on YouTube


Open-Mic Night at Ohio University’s Front Room: 15 October 2021

Bruce Dalzell, Emcee

October 15 is Bruce’s birthday. Happy birthday, Bruce.

Tim Pfaff
Dan Canterbury
Rylee Bapst
Bernhard Debatin
David Bruce
Bruce Dalzell

David Bruce’s Spoken Word, More or Less

1) Here’s some good news:

Embarrassment plus time often equals comedy. Often, an incident that horribly embarrasses us at the time and makes us cringe when we remember it becomes a funny story that we tell our grandkids and grand-nephews and grand-nieces.

I remember something that happened over 55 years ago when I was a kid. At the time, you could buy shorts that changed color when exposed to heat. 

You could be in the shade under a tree and then get out into the sun and the shorts would grow hotter and change color, especially the part that was directly exposed to the sun.

You could also put your hand on your thigh briefly, and when you took away your hand, you could see your handprint on your thigh.

I remember that a girl was wearing those shorts during a math class when she went to the chalkboard to solve a math problem. She was facing the chalkboard, working the problem, and her back was to the class.

No one heard anything, but everyone noticed when she farted.

That poor girl.

2) I just told a story about her, so I ought to tell a story about me.

I was in a crowd of people, and I suddenly got gassy. I knew that I wouldn’t get to a private place to fart in time, but I thought: I’ve got this. Music is playing, I know this song, and there’s a loud section. If I time the fart just right, no one will hear me. So the drums come in loudly, the singer begins to scream, and I fart.

Everyone looks at me and laughs.

And that’s when I remember I’m wearing ear buds.

3) Halloween is coming up, and I’ve been thinking about scary stories, like this one:

A woman goes into a coffee shop and a man there tries to pick her up.

She does not want to be picked up, but the man is persistent.

The woman buys two hotdogs and two Cokes.

She goes to a table  and puts down one hotdog and one Coke on each side of the table.

She sits down.

The man sits down opposite her.

She pushes her hotdog and her Coke toward him, and then she gets up and leaves.

The man has a decision to make: Does he get up and follow the woman, or does he stay and eat?

The man stays and eats.

Please, someone make a video of this and put it up on YouTube.

Sam, Bernhard Debatin’s son, is in Velvet Green.