Someone is eating my pears
He sits on the branches and stares
He’s a very pretty pidgeon
Who should take only a smidgeon
But takes as much as he dares
Copyright © 2021 Kim Whysall-Hammond
A Quick limerick for you today. Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible. Hubby and I are feeling rather poorly at present.Pears, a limerick — The Cheesesellers Wife
• Comedian Gracie Allen became so famous that whenever she went out in public, autograph seekers surrounded her. At the height of her celebrity, Gracie was accompanied in public by a person who watched the crowd of people surrounding her. Whenever the crowd became too large, the person would loudly say, “I’m sorry, Miss Allen, but you have to leave right now. They’re waiting for you at the studio.”
• USAmericans sometimes have a wonderful sense of humor. For example, many of us older men wonder what it would be like to be Cary Grant for a few days. (For you younger people, Cary Grant was the Brad Pitt of his day.) Comic songwriter Allan Sherman (writer of “Hello Mudduh, Hello Fadduh”), a short, stocky man, actually got the chance to be Cary Grant. As the guest host of The Tonight Show (back when Johnny Carson was king of late nights), Mr. Sherman told the television audience at the beginning of his week as guest host that he wanted to be Cary Grant for a week. During the next few days, hundreds of people asked Mr. Sherman for Cary Grant’s autograph, which Mr. Sherman signed for them. In addition, the post office delivered to Mr. Sherman thousands of letters addressed to “Cary Grant, New York City,” and a model stopped Mr. Sherman on the street and told him, “You look much younger in person, Mr. Grant.”
• Of course, TV stars run into problems that non-celebrities don’t. One problem is that the viewers of TV programs tend to think that they know a character on TV rather than understanding that they are watching an actor portraying a character. Michael Urie plays a gay character on TV’s Ugly Betty, and many, many people like the character. While he and his family were vacationing in Yosemite, he heard a woman yell, “Ahh! I love you! I love you!” — then she came over and hugged him. Mr. Urie says, “It’s pretty awkward sometimes. It’s like oh, my god, I don’t know you, but they come up to you with this look. For the first several months when that would happen, I just assumed I did know them, because they seemed to know me so well. I’ve gotten a little more accustomed to it.”
• Lionel Barrymore was a big fan of the 1950s children’s TV show Time for Beany, featuring “Uncle Captain” Huffenpuff and Cecil the Seasick Sea Serpent. One day, he was hurrying home to try to make it in time to see Time for Beany. When he knew that he wouldn’t make it in time, he had his chauffeur pull over at a house with a TV antenna, then ask the family if he, the chauffeur, could watch Time for Beany. (Mr. Barrymore would have watched it, but he was in a wheelchair in those days.) After the show was over, Mr. Barrymore made his chauffeur tell him — in detail — what had happened on the show.
• TV critic Anne Billson longed for strong female, action-oriented role models when she was growing up. Fortunately, she found one in Emma Peel, John Steed’s equal in the British cult TV series The Avengers. Emma Peel was played by Diana Rigg, whom 30 years later Ms. Billson met in a line for the women’s lavatories. Like so many fans do, Ms. Billson blurted out, “You were my role model!” Ms. Rigg graciously replied, “Why, thank you,” then Ms. Billson added, “And you still are.”
• Filmmaker John Waters was a huge fan of an old TV program titled Lie Detector, which starred F. Lee Bailey and which featured criminals claiming to be innocent and taking lie detector tests. One of Mr. Waters’ friends was chosen to tell the Nielsen ratings people what shows he watched. Since Mr. Waters liked the program so much, he paid his friend to lie and record in his Nielsen diary that he watched the program. Unfortunately, this attempt to boost the program’s ratings failed and Lie Detector was cancelled.
• Many gay men love The Mary Tyler Moore Show, whose lead character, Mary Richards, had a big “M” hanging on the wall of her apartment. (When the series was over, everyone associated with the show took an item from Ms. Richards’ apartment as a memento; Ms. Moore took the M.) In fact, one gay interior decorator insists on hanging a big “M” on a wall of each home he decorates.
Copyright by Bruce D. Bruce; All Rights Reserved
The Funniest People in Television and Radio: 250 Anecdotes — Buy
BRUCE’S RECOMMENDATION OF BANDCAMP MUSIC
Music: “I Smell The Fear, I Feel The Pain”
Album: LATIN AMERICAN SURF SAMPLER PT. 1: VALLEY OF THE KINGS
Artist: Cuatro Gangsters 4
Artist Location: Mexico
Record Company: North Sea Surf Radio
Location: Amsterdam, The Netherlands
Info: “North Sea Surf Radio is an online radio station dedicated to instrumental surf music. The releases on this page have been made possible by the featured artists who have given us their music to support North Sea Surf Radio. By downloading these releases you are donating to North Sea Surf Music and helping us to keep our station commercial free. Thanks for your support!”
Price: €9 (EURO) for 23-track album; tracks cannot be purchased separately
David Bruce’s Spoken Word, More or Less
Halloween is coming up in a week, and I have some scary stories for you:
1) A young woman in college was going through a Goth / Punk phase, and she wore heavy, scary makeup most of the time. Sometimes, she didn’t take off the makeup even when she was going out for a run in the park. One day, she was running in the park while wearing the heavy, scary makeup, and a masked man jumped out from behind a bush, grabbed her arm, and said, “I’VE GOT YOU NOW!” The scary Goth woman said, “THE POLICE ARE AFTER ME!” Scary masked man ran away in one direction, and scary Goth woman ran away in the opposite direction.
2) A man was trying to pick up a woman, and he was persistent even after she made it clear that she was not interested in him. Finally, she asked, “May I borrow your phone?” He handed her his phone, and she looked through the contacts and saw a contact labelled “Mom.” She called that number, and when his mom answered, she said, “Your son is trying to pick me up, and I have told him over and over that I am not interested, and he is persistent even after I have made it clear that I am not interested.” They talked for a minute or so, with the woman giving the man’s mother a few details, and then she handed the phone back to the man and said, “Your mother wants to talk to you.”
3) A man was walking one way on the sidewalk, and a woman was walking toward him on the sidewalk. When they got close, the man said, “You’re a bit too thin for me.” The woman replied, “You’re a bit too thick for me.” They kept on walking past each other.
4) Two women were riding their bikes in the neighborhood when a man working on his roof began to catcall them. The two women got off their bikes, walked over to his house, knocked the man’s ladder over, and then they got on their bikes and rode away.
5) Some men are scary, obviously, but other men are not scary. A man was arguing with a woman on a bus. The man was standing up, and the woman was seated. Eventually, the man got so angry that he kicked the seat the woman was sitting on. This is, of course, an act of violence. A quick-thinking man ran up behind the angry man and grabbed the top of his sweatpants and pulled them down to his ankles. The quick-thinking man then stood between the woman and the angry man, and he stared at the angry man. The angry man pulled his pants up and walked back to his own seat. The woman thanked the quick-thinking man, who said, “You’re welcome,” and he went back to his seat and sat down. The angry man got off the bus at the next stop.
6) This story is just about a man who simply did the right thing. A woman ordered a pizza and thought she had time to take a quick shower before it was delivered, but she heard the doorbell ring as she was wrapping a towel around herself after the shower. She went to the door and let in the pizza-delivery man. She handed him her credit card, and he handed her the pizza, and — oh! my goodness! — her towel accidentally fell to the floor. Pizza-delivery man immediately turned around so he couldn’t see her, and she picked up the towel and held it in front of her. Pizza-delivery man finished the credit-card transaction and handed the woman her credit card and the receipt by holding it over his shoulder and behind his back, and he left.
7) A woman went into a coffee shop and a man there tried to pick her up. She did not want to be picked up, but the man was persistent. The woman bought two hotdogs and two Cokes. She went to a table and put down one hotdog and one Coke on each side of the table. She sat down. The man sat down opposite her. She pushed her hotdog and her Coke toward him, and then she got up and left. The man had a decision to make: Does he get up and follow the woman, or does he stay and eat? The man stayed and ate.
Please, take these stories and make videos to put up on YouTube. In the case of the pizza delivery, the woman can be wearing a two-piece swimsuit so you don’t get censored.