Alcohol – davidbruceblog #2

David Bruce: Alcohol Anecdotes

• One winter while Walter Damrosch was conducting at the Metropolitan Opera, he and his family stayed at the Cambridge Hotel on Fifth Avenue, where their waiter, Roberto, taught them about hospitality and wine. For example, he criticized a host who had ordered only one bottle of wine. Roberto said, “There are five of them, and he orders the dinner. Then I show him the wine card. He orders onebottle—one bottle for five! I fool him. I open another bottle. I shame him into behaving like a gentleman!” Later, after a performance in which Lillian Nordica had sung a fine performance of Elsa in Wagner’s Lohengrin, Mr. Damrosch gave a late supper party. His daughter Gretchen was supposed to be asleep in bed, but she stayed awake and counted the popping of corks. She remembered, “There were eight people, and so far only one cork had popped. Bing, a second one. Good. Was two for eight better than one for five? Bang, and a third bottle was opened. I lay back greatly relieved, and relaxed. I must tell Roberto at breakfast. Nothing wrong with my father!”

• Brendan Mullen entered the music history books without knowing it when he rented a basement with 10,000 square feet of room for $850 monthly under an Art Deco building in Hollywood, California. He let musical friends know that they could practice and perform at parties there. These musical friends were punk pioneers on the West Coast. Some of the bands who played in the basement were the Bags, the Cramps, the Dils, the Germs, the Screamers, the Weirdos, and X. Mr. Mullen got the idea of opening a club there and charging admission, but the basement needed way too much work done to get the proper licenses due to structural and safety concerns. And, he writes, “As for a liquor license, ‘Not in the lifetimes of you, your mate, and your lastborn,’ according to an ABC [Alcoholic Beverage Control] inspector.” The Masque existed—with interruptions—only from 18 August 1977 to 22 December 1979, but that was long enough to make Mr. Mullen famous.

• In 1951, actors Victor Mature and Jim Backus acted together in a movie version of George Bernard Shaw’sAndrocles and the Lion. Both wore Roman military costumes since Mr. Mature was playing the Captain of a legion and Mr. Backus was playing a Centurion. Mr. Mature was a businessman as well as an actor, and one day he invited his friend Mr. Backus to go with him to sign a legal paper during the lunch break. Mr. Mature had everything set up so that the lawyer’s secretary would come to the car so he could sign the paper without getting out of the car. The signing went quickly, they had time left over, and they decided to get a drink. In full Roman warrior regalia, they walked into a bar away from Hollywood. The bartender stared at them until Mr. Mature asked, “What’s the matter? Don’t you serve members of the armed forces?”

• Dean Martin had a car license plate with the letters “DRUNKY,” but people wonder how much he really drank. Much of the brown liquid he drank with ice is reputed to have been apple juice. However, no one doubts that Mr. Martin had a sense of humor. Once, Mr. Martin was pulled over by a police officer who recognized him, and perhaps influenced by Mr. Martin’s reputation, asked him to do a few physical tests to determine if he was under the influence of alcohol. Mr. Martin agreed. He easily touched his nose with both hands, and he easily counted backwards from 30 to one. However, when the police officer asked him to walk a straight line, Mr. Martin replied, “Not without a safety net.”

• Beer can come in handy. When the Globe Theater, where many of William Shakespeare’s plays were first performed, caught on fire, no one was hurt. The trousers of a man caught on fire, but his neighbor put the fire out with beer. By the way, Mr. Shakespeare was a commoner without a university education. Many people have little respect for people like that, and so they do not believe that Shakespeare wrote the plays attributed to him. Over 4,000 books have been written saying that the “real” author was any of over 57 people, including Queen Elizabeth I. (By the way, Shakespeare really wrote the plays attributed to him. Commoners can be intelligent, you know.)

• Glen Campbell had many souvenirs from his long career in show business, including many photographs of himself with many notabilities. He also had a souvenir from his drinking days. He had given up drinking, but during a relapse he was stopped for driving drunk — and for a hit-and-run accident. He then proceeded to knee a police officer in the thigh. As a result, he spent 10 days in jail while wearing pink underwear. Glen’s wife, Kim, says, “Sheriff Joe Arpaeo from Phoenix, Arizona, is famous for making all the inmates wear pink underwear, and I have a pair signed by the sheriff. Glen straightened up after that.” Glen agrees: “Yep. I finally got broke from sucking eggs, as they say.”

• William R. Boone was the long-time principal at Orlando High School in Orlando, Florida. He even died on the last day of class ever held at the high school: 6 June 1952. Students then moved to a new high school: William R. Boone High School. Near Orlando High School was Burton’s, a bar and grill that students found tempting because it served beer. Jack Caldwell, the 1952 Class President, was with President Boone one day when suddenly President Boone announced, “Let’s check out Burton’s.” They came in through the back door. Students saw Principal Boone and fled through the front door. Principal Boone then told Jack, “That should clear it out for a couple of weeks.”

• A number of people who work in movies enjoy a drink or two or several. When Charlie Chaplin was working on a certain movie, he had a camera man who would tell him when it was getting close to quitting time, “Charlie, the light’s better in Oldfield’s.” Oldfield’s was a tavern that belonged to Barney Oldfield.

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David Bruce: Alcohol Anecdotes

• Eric Carle, author and illustrator of many children’s books, remembers when some apples fermented in a wood, producing apples with alcohol. Two brown bears smelled the apples, and they enjoyed a feast — a feast that made them tipsy. Being tipsy, they did what bears —and lots of human beings — do. They took a nap to sleep it off. Soon, the human beings in the area learned about the tipsy bears, and a hunter realized that it would easy (but of course not sporting) to kill the two sleeping bears. However, someone had telephoned the police, who sent two police officers in a patrol car to keep an eye on the bears. The hunter arrived first and left his truck, carrying a gun to shoot the bears. Immediately after the hunter had gotten out of his truck, the police officers arrived. The hunter jumped back in his truck and drove off. The police officers kept an eye on the bears until they woke up, shook themselves, and safely wandered away.

• The Hasidim loved Israel. Rabbi Yohanan of Rachmistrivska once owned a bottle of wine that had been bottled in Israel, but he declined to drink the wine, “I do not know whether I will like this particular bottle of wine. Since I do not want, heaven forbid, to disparage something that comes from Eretz Israel, I would rather not drink the bottle.” Rabbi Avraham Hazan immigrated to Eretz Israel from Uman, and each year he would travel to Uman to celebrate Rosh Hashanah (the Jewish New York). He always took a bottle of Israeli wine with him, and he always made sure it lasted him until he returned to Israel. Whenever he drank wine, he drank wine bottled from outside of Israel, but he put just a little of the Israeli wine in the glass so that the wine would have some of the sanctity of Eretz Israel.

• Tenor Jussi Bjoerling and conductor Nils Grevilius enjoyed having a drink together—and another drink, and another, and on and on. During one debauch, they traveled together to Stockholm, where to take a break from their drinking, they decided to go to the opera house and see whatever was being performed. They got to their seats and waited and waited, and were about to leave and get some more drinks when the opera house general manager came on stage and announced that that evening’s performance was being canceled because “tenor Jussi Bjoerling and conductor Nils Grevilius are missing.” A very surprised Mr. Bjoerling and Mr. Grevilius stood up and announced, “We’re here! We’re here!”

• Kingsley Amis had much experience with drinking way too much, and if any man was an expert on hangovers, he was. One of the things his excessive experience with excessive drinking taught him was to “not take an alkalizing agent such as bicarbonate of soda” when he had a hangover. One dreadful morning he took some bicarbonate of soda, which he chased with some hair of the dog: vodka. His companion decided to do an experiment: “Let’s see what’s happening in your stomach.” The companion poured what was left of the vodka into what was left of the bicarbonate of soda. Mr. Amis writes, “The mixture turned black and gave off smoke.”

• One of Frank Sinatra’s gifts to Sammy Davis, Jr., was an enormous gold Cartier watch. When Sammy knew that he was dying, he told his kids about the watch, “It goes with me.” As he had requested, he was buried with that memento of a great friendship. (As happens to many friends, Sammy and Frank sometimes got angry at each other. Once, Sammy got outrageously drunk and cursed Frank, who ignored the outburst. The next day, Sammy went to Frank to apologize, but Frank simply told him, “Look, we’ve all done exactly what you did last night, but if you can’t handle it, don’t do it. Now, what exactly are we going to do today?”

• The family of William Warren Woollcott, the older brother of famous drama critic Alexander Woollcott, was at times unconventional. During the time of Prohibition, when alcoholic beverages were forbidden, Billy Woollcott made his own beer. On special occasions, he would bring up an extra bottle and let his very young daughters have a little beer along with the adults. This beer was a special treat to them. Of course, their father was a good parent. He would sometimes tell his two youngest daughters, “Drink your milk. The one who doesn’t finish her milk won’t get any beer tonight.”

• Russian bass Fyodor Chaliapin enjoyed nights out on the town, and often the next morning his throat was totally unsuited for singing. By the time the curtain rose that evening, he was able to hit high and middle notes, but not the soft notes. Still, he was known for his pianissimonotes, even after a night of drinking. How did he do it? He opened his mouth, concentrated, and raised his hand as if guiding very low notes toward the heavens. Through his considerable acting ability, he was able to convince the audience that they were hearing very soft notes although he was making absolutely no sound.

• As usual, the dancers of the Robert Joffrey Ballet arrived on time for a performance at Greensboro, North Carolina. Not as usual, the crew of the Robert Joffrey Ballet went to Greensboro, SouthCarolina, instead. However, the show went on, and en route to their next performance, the dancers celebrated by filling the water cooler not with water, but with champagne.

• Harpo Marx once visited W.C. Fields, who showed him around his home. The pool table had a cushion because on nights when he couldn’t sleep in bed he would sleep on the pool table, and his cellar was stocked with hundreds of cases of different kinds of alcohol because, Mr. Fields explained, “Never can be sure Prohibition won’t come back, my boy.”

• A very popular tonic for women in the 1800s was Lydia Pinkham’s Vegetable Tonic for Female Problems. No wonder it was popular — it was 18 percent alcohol!

• Ethel Barrymore’s father, Maurice, enjoyed drinking to excess, and he once stated, “Staggering is a sign of strength. Weak men are carried home.”

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David Bruce: Alcohol Anecdotes

At the Grand Opening of the Denver Press Club, Prohibition was in full force. Since an opening without alcohol is unthinkable for a press club, the reporters began to think about how they could come up with the booze. Red Feeney, a reporter, and Harry Rhoads, a photographer, knew that the District Attorney’s office had seized some bonded whiskey. They also knew that the local police officers had a weakness for publicity, so they arranged a photo session outside with the police officers and the whiskey. At the time, photographs were lit with flash guns which created a lot of smoke. Mr. Rhoads used much more flash powder than was necessary for the photographs, and whenever the scene was filled with smoke and coughing police officers rubbing their eyes, Mr. Feeney grabbed a couple of cases of whiskey and put them in his car. The Grand Opening of the Denver Press Club was a success.

Jim Thornton was an alcoholic; he was also a vaudeville comedian. Once, he went on an alcoholic spree with another vaudeville comedian, George C. Davis. Although both men were alcoholics, they were different kinds of alcoholics. Mr. Thornton could stay drunk for weeks, but still keep himself shaved and clean. Mr. Davis, however, let himself go to seed. The two had drunk up all their money, and they needed more money to buy themselves alcohol, so Mr. Thornton asked to borrow $2 from a vaudevillian they met on the street. The vaudevillian refused to lend them anything, so the clean Mr. Thornton turned to the filthy Mr. Davis and said, “George, throw a louse on him.”

A judge got very drunk, then took off his robe and lay under a tree half-naked to sleep. Mulla Nasrudin came along, saw the judge, and took his cloak. Later, the judge sobered up, returned to his village and saw Nasrudin wearing his cloak. “Is that your cloak?” the judge asked. “No, it is not,” Nasrudin replied. “I saw a very drunk man lying under a tree, asleep, and I took his cloak so that robbers would not steal it. I should like very much to find that man so that I can return his cloak.” Fearing lest his friends and neighbors find out that it was he who had been drunk, the judge replied, “Such a drunken fellow deserves what happens to him,” then left Nasrudin and the cloak alone.

As a young girl, Alicia Markova danced for Sergey Pavlovich Diaghilev. For a long time, she wasn’t allowed to attend the receptions the other members of the ballet troupe attended, but on her 18th birthday, Mr. Diaghilev asked her to come to his table in the ballroom of the hotel the troupe was staying at in Monte Carlo. There, the troupe held a small coming-of-age party for her, she drank her first glass of champagne, and afterward she was allowed to attend the receptions the other members of the troupe attended.

William Frawley played Fred Mertz on TV’s I Love Lucy. He gave a certain panhandler a dollar for coffee each time they met, and one day he asked what the panhandler really did with the money. The panhandler replied that he didn’t buy coffee with the money, but instead bought whiskey. Hearing that, Mr. Frawley said, “At least you’re honest. Come have a drink with me.” They went into a bar, where Mr. Frawley ordered, “Two double scotch-and-sodas.” The panhandler spoke up, “Make mine the same.”

The British tongue-in-cheek spy series The Avengers lasted from 1961-1969. The series was known for its attractive leads, cars, clothes, and champagne. During the series’ run, John Steed, played by Patrick Macnee, used 30 bowler hats. In addition, the filming of the series required 19 gallons of champagne. (In the 1967 episode “The Fear Merchants,” the audience learns that Steed’s worst fear is running out of champagne.)

Rabbi Moshe Leib once said that he had learned to love from a peasant. Once he saw two drunken peasants at an inn. One peasant turned to the other and asked, “Do you love me?” The other peasant replied, “Of course I love you.” The first peasant then asked, “Do you know what I need? If you really loved me, you would know.” According to Rabbi Leib, “To know the needs of other human beings, to feel their joy and to bear the burdens of their sorrow—that is true love.”

Ben Serkowich drank too much, and this worried him. While attending a cocktail party, he decided to try a new technique he had heard about—whenever he took a drink, he told himself, “This is not going to affect me.” The technique seemed to work beautifully for a while, but then, he says, “Suddenly I plunged forward to the floor, and when I woke up the next morning … it was four days later.”

In San Francisco, comic singer Anna Russell was invited to a party in a restaurant. The liquor was still flowing at 3 p.m., although by law, liquor was prohibited at that time. When Ms. Russell worried that the restaurant might get busted, the man sitting next to her said there was no chance of that happening. She asked, Why? He replied, “Because I’m the sheriff.”

A bore once sat next to Dr. Samuel Johnson and remarked that there were many reasons for drinking to excess. In making his argument, he said, “Drinking drives away care and makes us forget whatever is disagreeable. Would you not allow a man to drink for that reason?” Dr. Johnson replied, “Yes, sir—if he sat next to you.”

Occasionally, Jackie Gleason flew in airplanes, although there was a rumor that he never flew. Once he took a trip on the Concorde, which flew faster than sound. Asked if he had ever flown faster than sound before, Mr. Gleason replied, “Only a couple of times at Toots Shor’s.” (Toots Shor was Jackie Gleason’s favorite bartender.)

Playwright Richard Brinsley Sheridan was once asked what kind of wine was his favorite. His answer: “Other people’s.”

Marc Connelly once sent a postcard to Frank Sullivan: “Guess who I just had a drink with at the Players? Corey Ford. Give up?”

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David Bruce: Alcohol Anecdotes

Some American towns are wet (they allow alcohol); other American towns are dry (they don’t allow alcohol). During his 1885 American tour, Colonel James H. Mapleson had the misfortune to stop in Topeka, Kansas, a dry town. His opera troupe had drunk all the wine available on their train, and they were very displeased when water was placed before them while they dined at their Topeka hotel; in fact, Colonel Mapleson’s baritone drew his knife and said that unless he had something suitable to drink soon, he would not perform that evening. Hard pressed, Colonel Mapleson sought a physician and explained the situation to him. The understanding physician wrote a prescription in Latin, Colonel Mapleson took it to a pharmacist, and the pharmacist filled the prescription by giving him three bottles of something much more stimulating than water.

Golfer Walter Hagen had a reputation for partying. According to legend, he sometimes showed up at tee time in a wrinkled tuxedo because he had been partying all night and didn’t have time to change. The truth is quite different. Mr. Hagen was often seen at parties with a glass in his hand, but when he had to play in a tournament the next day, he tossed the drink into a potted plant, then went home to get a good night’s sleep. His tuxedo got wrinkled because he ordered his chauffeur to roll it into a ball and throw it against the car until it was wrinkled enough to carry on the legend.

New Zealanders apparently don’t drink martinis—or at least they didn’t. When comic singer Anna Russell was performing in New Zealand, she threw a party, giving instructions to a bartender to make martinis using Fleischmann’s gin. Halfway through the party, however, the martinis began to be dark brown instead of clear. She investigated and discovered that the bartender had run out of Fleischmann’s gin, so he was using Fleischmann’s whiskey instead. (The party was a success nevertheless.)

Playwright John Mortimer once stopped for gasoline at a station near Covent Garden. The attendant pumping his gas recognized him, saying that he had seen Mr. Mortimer in the seats behind him at a performance of the opera Aida. This surprised Mr. Mortimer, as those seats were very expensive, so he asked the gas station attendant how he could afford the tickets. The attendant explained that he hadn’t spent any more for the tickets than any other pump man would spend getting drunk Friday night.

Some preachers at a restaurant were served the wrong dessert—watermelon spiked with alcohol. Learning of the mistake, the maitre d’hotel asked a waiter to get the dessert back if the preachers hadn’t already started eating it. However, the waiter reported that the preachers had already started eating the dessert. “In that case,” said the maitre d’hotel, “do they like it?” “They didn’t say,” replied the waiter. “They were too busy putting the seeds in their pockets.”

Once there was a friendly rivalry between two composers of operas: Christoph Willibald Gluck and Niccolò Piccinni. In a contest, they were each commissioned to compose an opera based on the same play by Euripides. When the two operas were performed, Gluck’s was the greater success—unfortunately for Piccinni, on opening night his soprano was falling down drunk.

A visitor to the home of painter James Abbott McNeill Whistler made comments on several of Whistler’s paintings, finding fault with each one. Looking at Whistler’s latest painting, the visitor said that it was “not good.” Whistler responded, “You shouldn’t say it is not good. You should say you do not like it, and then, you know, you are perfectly safe. Now come and have something you do like—have some whiskey.”

H. Allen Smith was born in McLeansboro, Illinois, where his father had grown up. When his father had been a young man, McLeansboro had been the home of an undesirable element—rowdies who fought a lot and drank a lot. Mr. Smith once asked his father if he had been one of the town rowdies. “Hell, no,” his father replied. “I was a respectable citizen. But I could lick anybody my size, and I could outdrink all of them.”

Jackie Gleason was known for drinking heavily. Once a friend locked up his liquor cabinet to keep Jackie from getting loaded, but when he came home, he discovered that Jackie was drunk. Remarkably, even though the liquor cabinet was still locked, the booze containers were empty. (Jackie had used a screwdriver to remove the back of the liquor cabinet. After drinking the liquor, he screwed the back of the cabinet on again.)

Opera singer Risë Stevens was being driven to a performance when she noticed that the chauffeur was drunk and driving unsafely. Thinking quickly, she asked the chauffeur to stop to get her a hamburger, and after the chauffeur got out of the car, she jumped behind the steering wheel and drove off, leaving the chauffeur behind.

Archbishop Angelo Giuseppe Roncalli, later to be Pope John XXIII, was a master diplomat. At a diplomatic reception in Paris, an inebriated guest wanted Archbishop Roncalli to talk about a controversial area of religion. Archbishop Roncalli answered, “I never discuss religion at cocktail parties.”

George Frideric Handel was a Lutheran, although early in his career he worked as an organist in a Calvinist church. The Calvinists may have been willing to hire Handel, despite his religion, because the previous organist, Johann Christoph Leporin, frequently showed up to work drunk.

The first date of composer Richard Wagner and his eventual first wife Christiane Wilhelmine “Minna” Planer was memorable; Wagner got drunk, then passed out on her couch.

Don Marquis once quit drinking for a month, then walked up to a bar and ordered a drink, saying, “I’ve conquered my goddamn will power.”

Ken Tynan once said of Greta Garbo, “What when drunk one sees in other women, one sees in Garbo sober.”

“A Nazarite is called a sinner because he deprived himself of wine.”—Rabbi Eliezer ha-Kappar.

“Work is the curse of the drinking classes.”—Oscar Wilde.

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David Bruce: Alcohol Anecdotes

Monty Python member Graham Chapman was an alcoholic, but for a while even the other members of Monty Python didn’t know how bad his problem was because for the most part he was a gentlemanly drunk. However, they learned of the extent of his alcoholism while shooting the sketch “Upper Class Twit of the Year.” The Monty Python members needed to check something in a script, but no scripts were readily available, so Michael Palin opened Mr. Chapman’s briefcase in search of one. He found a half-empty bottle of vodka and looked stunned. Someone asked him what was the matter, and he replied, “That was full this morning.” Mr. Palin found the half-empty bottle at 10:15 a.m. Remarkably, Mr. Chapman quit drinking without the aid of Alcoholics Anonymous, and within six months he was in better shape than any of the other members of Monty Python.

Abraham Lincoln had sold whiskey as a storekeeper. One of his political opponents was Stephen Douglas, who was known for liking whiskey. At a political debate, Mr. Douglas said that he had first met Lincoln at a store front where Lincoln was selling whiskey. Mr. Lincoln responded, “What Mr. Douglas has said, gentlemen, is true enough; I did keep a grocery, and I did sell cotton, candles and cigars, and sometimes whiskey; but I remember in those days that Mr. Douglas was one of my best customers. Many a time have I stood on one side of the counter and sold whiskey to Mr. Douglas on the other side, but the difference between us now is this: I have left my side of the counter, but Mr. Douglas still clings to his as tenaciously as ever.”

John Barrymore was as noted for his dissipation as much as for his acting. While acting in Hamlet after a night of revelry, he began the “To be or not to be” soliloquy, but in the middle of the speech found it necessary to retire to the side of the stage so he could vomit. Later, he was complimented for this innovation: “I say, Barrymore, that was the most daring and perhaps the most effective innovation ever offered. I refer to your deliberate pausing in the midst of the soliloquy to retire, almost, from the scene. May I congratulate you upon such imaginative business? You seemed quite distraught. But it was effective!”

The Hassidim abhorred drunkenness, but they felt that a drink after prayers was appropriate. Once, Rabbi Israel of Rizhyn was asked why the Hassidim took a drink after prayers while the opponents of Hassidism (the Mitnagdim) studied the Mishna instead of taking a drink. He answered, “The Mitnagdim pray frigidly, without life, enthusiasm, or emotion. They appear almost lifeless. After their prayers, they study the Mishna—an appropriate subject when one mourns the dead. But the prayers of the Hassidim are alive and living people need a drink.”

Drinking is not a good idea if you are in the theater. Once, actor Wilfred Lawson met Richard Burton before a matinee, so they retired to a pub for a few drinks, then went to the play. Mr. Burton grew uneasy as he thought that Mr. Lawson should be getting into costume for his role, but Mr. Lawson remained unperturbed. Finally, Mr. Lawson tapped Mr. Burton on the shoulder and said, “This is the good bit—this is where I come on.”

When Wilson Mizner married a rich society widow, he inherited her late husband’s clock collection—2,000 clocks were kept in the Clock Room, and Mr. Mizner ordered the servants to wind the clocks and keep them in good order, despite the deafening racket they made each hour as they chimed, rang, or otherwise announced the time. Mr. Mizner enjoyed inviting hungover friends to visit the Clock Room just before the hour.

In Scotland, it is customary to offer a workman a drink when he finishes some job around your home. A woman once asked a workman if he wanted a drink after he finished a job. He was amenable, so she asked how he liked his drink. He replied, “Half whiskey and half water—and put in plenty of water.”

Diana Rigg once was present at a performance of Shakespeare’s Two Gentlemen of Verona in Stratford when the stagehands operating the revolving stage were intoxicated. They accelerated the revolving stage to such a speed that anyone who tried to get on the stage was promptly thrown off.

A preacher once spoke in his sermon about the dangers of alcohol. At one point, he asked an elderly lady—one of the pillars of the church—if she agreed that alcohol was an evil that should be destroyed. The elderly woman replied, “Actually, I enjoy a little toddy once in a while.”

James McNeill Whistler, the famous artist, enjoyed his beer. He once asked a bartender, “Would you like to sell a great more beer than you do?” The bartender replied in the affirmative, so Mr. Whistler told him, “Then don’t sell so much froth.”

The Duke of Wellington defeated Napoleon Bonaparte at Waterloo; however, Wellington had very little respect for his troops. Once he described them as “the scum of the earth—they have enlisted for drink—that is the simple truth.”

Zen master Bassui prohibited his students from drinking even a drop of alcohol, but later he got drunk in front of his students. When his students questioned him about his inconsistency, he said that he was teaching them not to get so hung up on rules!

President James K. Polk didn’t like dancing on the Sabbath and he didn’t like card parties. Sam Houston once said that what was wrong with President Polk was he drank too much water.

A lady temperance speaker once closed a speech by saying, “I would rather commit adultery than take a glass of beer.” A man in the audience called out, “Who wouldn’t?”

During World War II, playwright and screenwriter Charles MacArthur was a Major for the Allies. He often hitched a ride during bombing raids on Berlin and dropped his empty whiskey bottles on the city.

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David Bruce: Alcohol Anecdotes

At one time, newspaper reporters used to drink—a lot. During one drinking session, Paul Galloway, reporter for the Chicago Sun-Times, became perturbed—make that very perturbed—about something that editor Jim Hoge had perpetrated. Mr. Galloway became so perturbed that he decided to do something about his perturbation, so he went back to the Sun-Times offices, picked up a chair, and threw it as hard as he could at the window of Mr. Hoge’s office. Big mistake. Mr. Galloway recounted later, “Something I had not foreseen was that the window was made of Plexiglas. The chair bounced back and almost hit me.” Mr. Hoge was not present at the time, and he need not ever have become aware of the event, but Mr. Galloway was still perturbed, so he insisted that the City Desk log the event, although the City Desk assistant advised him, “Forget it, Paul.” The next morning, Mr. Hoge was at his desk, and he perused the log, as was his custom. He also called Mr. Galloway, who now regretted having insisted that his action of the previous night be logged, into his office. Mr. Hoge said to Mr. Galloway, “So, Paul, I understand you have a problem with our interior decoration.” Mr. Galloway replied, “No, sir! I find it excellent! Nothing whatsoever wrong with it! Enviable, in fact!” Mr. Galloway was a very good writer, and Mr. Hoge was a very good editor, and very good editors realize that very good writers can occasionally disagree with very good editors, and so Mr. Hoge said, “I’m relieved. Now get back to work.” Another of Mr. Galloway’s stories is about the time—2 a.m.—he was standing guard in the Army. His Major sneaked up behind him and said to him, very clearly and loudly, “Sheep.” Mr. Galloway was puzzled by the word, but he stood at attention and said, “Yes, sir.” The Major again said, very clearly and louder than before, “SHEEP!” Mr. Galloway realized that, of course, the Major must be under a great deal of pressure and therefore his mind had snapped, but he again said, “Yes, sir.” The Major, clearly angry, told him, “Don’t you ‘yes, sir’ me! Sheep! SHEEP!” Mr. Galloway said, “Would you like me to get you a sheep, sir? I will get you a sheep as soon as I’m off watch.” The Major shouted, “NO! YOU’RE A MORON! I DON’T WANT A SHEEP!” Mr. Galloway asked, “What would you like, sir?” The Major shouted, “I WOULD LIKE THE GODD*MNED PASSWORD!”

Rabbi Abraham J. Twerski, M.D., works with people who are addicted to alcohol and/or illegal drugs. A Catholic priest he was treating was addicted to alcohol, so Rabbi Twerski urged him to use grape juice instead of wine during Mass. Unfortunately, the priest responded, “We can’t use grape juice. It must be wine.” Fortunately, Rabbi Twerski knew Cardinal Wright, who worked at the Vatican. Rabbi Twerski called Cardinal Wright to request that he ask Pope Paul VI to allow this alcoholic priest to use grape juice instead of wine during Mass; otherwise, the priest would die. Cardinal Wright promised to do that, and Rabbi Twerski told him, “Tell the Pope I said that he will have a mitzvah.” After two days, Cardinal Wright called Rabbi Twerski to give him the very good news that Pope Paul VI had given instructions that all alcoholic priest must use grape juice instead of wine during Mass.”

Good things can come out of evil. Someone once put LSD in Richie Ramone’s drink. He had a very bad reaction to it, and he had to be carried away in a strait jacket. However, he wrote the great Ramones’ song “Somebody Put Something in My Drink.” Of course, Richie gets the credit for writing a very good song. Whoever put the LSD in his drink gets a ticket to Hell—or at least a few more hundred years climbing the Mountain of Purgatory. By the way, the Ramones insisted on canned soft drinks in their dressing room. Yoohoo chocolate drink was also a favorite dressing room tipple.

The Chicago Sun-Times was a crowded place to work. Ann Landers, whose real name was Eppie Lederer, had a desk in a room filled with many other desks, each with a reporter working at it. Her desk was next to the desk of Paul Molloy, the TV-radio critic. One day, Mr. Molloy was working at his desk while talking on a telephone headset. He tipped his chair too far, fell backwards, lay on the floor, and kept on talking. Eppie Lederer looked at him, then dug a pamphlet out of one of her files, and handed it to him. The pamphlet had this title: “Drinking Problem? Take This Test of Twenty Questions.”

John Lennon could behave erratically at times. He and fellow musician Harry Nilsson once spent a drunken evening together. After getting kicked out—with good reason—of a Smothers Brothers concert in Los Angeles, they went to the Lost on Larrabee restaurant. John disappeared into a bathroom, and then he reappeared with a feminine hygiene product on his forehead. He asked the waitress, “Do you know who I am?” The waitress looked at him and said, “Yes, you’re some a**hole with a Kotex on his forehead.”

Young rappers tend to be pretty crazy. Older rappers can settle down. Beastie Boy Adam Yauch went to a health-food store to buy a present for his parents one holiday season, and he said that he wanted a carrot juicer. The health-store employee recognized him and said, “So I guess you guys don’t drink forties anymore?”

CBGB’s is well known as a venue for early performances by such bands as the Ramones, Talking Heads, and Blondie. People under age 18 could get in to hear the bands, but their hands were stamped “Nobooze foyouz.”

Demonax the Cynic philosopher was once asked whether wise men should drink wine. He replied, “Surely you can’t imagine that Nature made the grape only for fools.”

Ballet dancer Igor Youskevitch once told a beautiful waitress, “If I may be so bold, a martini is like a beautiful girl’s bosom. One is not enough, but three is too many!”

“Somebody left the cork out of my lunch.” — W.C. Fields.

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