David Bruce: Bathrooms Anecdotes

When the Middleroad Friends Meeting in Springport, Indiana, renovated its bathrooms, it was a big deal, and the Quakers attending the meeting decided to celebrate. First, a nicely varnished plunger—the Plunge Ahead Award—was presented to the clerk. Second, the meeting’s sole doctor member presented the meetinghouse with a bunch of old magazines for reading purposes. Third, brass plates—one showing a woman’s bonnet and the other showing a man’s broad-brimmed hat—were put on the relevant doors. Four, there was a ceremonial cutting of a roll of toilet paper. Fifth, two children—a boy and a girl—performed ceremonial flushes. And finally, there were tours of the facilities. Often, Quakers are thought to be overly solemn, but obviously, that stereotype is not true of the Middleroad Friends Meeting.

Glyndebourne was a huge manor house in England. Because of worries about war in 1939, John Christie, the owner of Glyndebourne, had offered it as an evacuation center for London children. One day, buses arrived from London, and approximately 300 children and 72 adult caretakers got off the buses. Large as it was, Glyndebourne was unable to house that many people, and eventually the number staying there was lowered to 100. In the meantime, because of the lack of restroom facilities, Rudolf Bing, who helped manage the music festivals held at Glyndebourne, went into town and asked Woolworth’s if it stocked chamber pots. Fortunately, it did, and he caused a sensation by buying six dozen.

Abraham Lincoln was frequently critical of George McClellan, a notoriously unaggressive and indecisive Union general. Once President Lincoln visited Union headquarters when General McClellan was absent. He found some soldiers working nearby to build a privy for the general. President Lincoln asked, “Is it a one-holer or a two-holer?” The soldiers answered, “It’s a one-holer.” Later, out of the earshot of the soldiers, President Lincoln told his aide, “Thank God it’s a one-holer, for it were a two-holer, before McClellan could make up his mind which to use, he would beshit himself.”

At Ted Shawn’s Jacob’s Pillow, a dance retreat, was an outhouse, the inside of which was papered with covers from The New Yorkers. This resulted in several visitors new to Jacob’s Pillow staying too long in the outhouse. One woman spent too much time there, so a male dancer—in great necessity—started to urinate on the side of the outhouse. The woman flew out of the outhouse, ran straight ahead, and looked neither left nor right.

A Western woman went to a Zen monastery to seek enlightenment. While there, she cleaned the bathrooms in an effort to show that she was humble. In addition, she pestered the Zen master by constantly asking, “What is Zen?” The Zen master ignored her. Eventually, she got tired of cleaning the bathrooms and told the Zen master that if she wanted to clean bathrooms, she could do that anywhere and therefore she was leaving the monastery. The Zen master replied, “That is Zen.”

During World War I, Charles MacArthur, who was later a famous playwright and screenwriter, was forced to suddenly take refuge from the explosions of enemy bombs. Unfortunately, he had the bad luck to dive headfirst into an abandoned German latrine. Still, he was optimistic, thinking to himself, “MacArthur, this is the lowest point of your life. From here on, everything has got to be an improvement.”

Lady Nancy Astor was ignored by her fellow Members of Parliament for a long time. When she asked Sir Winston Churchill why she was ignored, he said “that a woman’s presence in the House of Commons was as embarrassing as if she had come into his bathroom when all he had to defend himself with was a sponge.” Lady Astor replied, “You are not handsome enough to have worries of that kind.”

Ohio University zoology professor Scott Moody tells me that “in the past, in China, every farmer would have a toilet alongside the walking path to try to entice people to use his one-holer so he could gather fertilizer, and in the USA, many of our ancestors who settled on the great plains would have died if it weren’t for the dried bison dung chips which they used as a source of fuel for warmth and cooking.”

Once, when he knew she would be dressed, actor Bruce Laffey knocked on comedian Beatrice Lillie’s door and started to open the door. He was surprised when she slammed the door shut in his face. When she opened the door a few moments later, she was throwing perfume in the air. Mr. Laffey asked what was wrong, and Ms. Lillie told him, “I just farted.”

At a hotel in Buffalo, New York, a couple of members of the Merce Cunningham dance troupe had a large can of sardines for breakfast on the eighth floor. They ate all but five of the sardines, which they then flushed down the toilet. On the first floor, dancer Sandra Neels went to the ladies room. Floating in a toilet bowl were two of the sardines.

Anna Russell’s grandfather must have been a stern old man. He used to write his sons who were attending military school and ask them questions such as “What lessons do you like best, second, and third best? Give reasons.” He also gave his sons lots of advice such as, “Be sure to evacuate your bowels every morning after breakfast.”

Sir Henry Irving once sat through an amateur production of Shakespeare’s Twelfth Night—a production that had no intermissions. Immediately following the play, he was asked his opinion of the production. He replied, “Capital! Capital! Where’s the lavatory?”

Mrs. Patrick Campbell certainly loved her dog. When a taxi driver accused her dog of making a puddle in the back of his taxi, Mrs. Campbell rose to the defense of her pet by claiming, “I did it!”

When some Western Zen students asked Zen master Taisen Deshimaru what people should do in their everyday lives, he replied, “Work, go to the toilet, eat; whatever you like.”

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David Bruce: Bathrooms Anecdotes

Tribe 8 was a lesbian/transgender punk bank from San Francisco. One problem that they ran into while on tour was getting bathroom privileges—sometimes when they went into the women’s room women told them that they were in the wrong bathroom. Their appearance really does sometimes confuse people about their gender. Vocalist Lynn Breedlove says, “Little old ladies will come in the women’s room behind us, and then they’ll pop out and look at the sign on the door.” Once, an old man followed them into the men’s room because he thought that they were men. Ms. Breedlove says, “He jumped out.” Rhythm guitarist Lynn Feather has actually lifted her shirt to show that she has breasts and to prove that she is in the correct bathroom. The band wrote a song about this problem; of course, the song is titled “Wrong Bathroom.”

Comedian Robert Klein’s father never ate vegetables because he thought salad was a dish fit only for cows. As a result, his bowel movements were infrequent. Once, when Robert was young, the urge suddenly came on his father, who dashed for the bathroom. Immediately, he yelled for Robert to bring him an umbrella. Robert did as he was told, and when he opened the door to the bathroom, he saw his father sitting on the throne, and above his father, hanging on a clothesline, were his mother’s dripping undergarments.

As a very young gymnast, Dominique Moceanu trained with Leila Pallardy, whose mother was a nurse who greatly stressed hygiene. At an out-of-state meet, Leila advised Dominique, “Whatever you do, don’t sit on the toilet seat in the airplane and in the rest rooms at the airport.” In their hotel room, Leila noticed that the bathroom was “messy,” so she said, “What the heck? Somebody is not hitting the toilet here.” Dominique replied, “Well, you told me not ever to sit down.”

Saul Bellow and his literary agent, Harriet Wasserman, once had dinner at the home of Allan Bloom, who kept jumping up to get something from the kitchen. Each time he went past a palm tree that Mr. Bellow thought was very ugly, its fronds brushed his backside. Mr. Bellow watched this for a while, then he told Mr. Bloom, “Allan, now I know what that plant’s good for.”

Pope John XXIII once looked over the plans an architect had submitted for a new building that would be built on Vatican grounds, then returned the plans to the architect with this note in Latin: Non sumus angeli (We are not angels). The architect was puzzled by the note—until he realized that the plans for the new building did not include bathrooms.

Gymnasts have different ways of motivating themselves to perform well. Olympic gold medalist Dominique Dawes writes the words “Determination,” “Dedication,” and “Dynamics” on her bathroom mirror to motivate herself before meets. These words make up what she calls her “3-D philosophy” of competition.

The parents of John Waters read the reviews of his controversial films. His mother was extremely angry when Vincent Canby wrote in his New York Times review of Pink Flamingos that Mr. Waters must have suffered from “faulty toilet training” as a youngster. She shouted to her son, “You did NOT! Why can’t they leave me out of it?”

Russian ballet dancer Elena Lukom ran into a problem when she performed in Sweden because audience members laughed when she was introduced. Fortunately, she was able to solve that problem easily. She discovered that in Swedish her last name meant “restroom,” so whenever she toured in Sweden she changed her last name to Lukova.

Author Peg Bracken knows a friend who was bothered by someone who enjoyed snooping in other people’s bathroom cabinets. Therefore, before this particular person came to snoop—er, visit—she placed this sign in her bathroom cabinet: “What is it that you’re looking for? Just let me know, and I’ll be glad to help you find it.”

Years ago, guests on The Mike Douglas Show included pianist Roger Williams and the fashion director of Playboy, Robert L. Green. Mr. Green told Mr. Williams, “Although I have never met you, I’ve heard you tinkling many times.” Mr. Williams replied, “I’ve been tinkling since I was a little child.”

Peg Bracken once heard that it’s worthwhile to know why a person gets up in the morning, so when she was in college reporting for the school newspaper, she interviewed the Dean of Women and asked her why she got up in the morning. The Dean of Women replied, “To go to the bathroom.”

When Quaker humorist Tom Mullins’ daughter, Martha, was being inducted into Phi Beta Kappa, the speaker droned on and on. Martha found a pad and pencil, wrote on a piece of paper, then handed it to her parents. The note said, “Try not to think about going to the bathroom.”

Quaker pastor Stan Banker knows a Quaker restaurant that is excellent, although he wonders if confusion may someday result because this sign is placed rather too close to the restrooms: “Welcome, Friend, Will Thee Please Wait to be Seated?”

Rev. Timothy W. Ehrlich, took his six-year-old son, Shawn, to church, and told him, “This is God’s house. You must behave in it.” Young Shawn asked, “Daddy, can I use God’s bathroom?”

After staying at the very expensive Hotel Bristol in Paris, Peg Bracken learned that after each guest leaves the hotel, the toilet seat in the guest’s accommodations is removed, scraped, and revarnished.

“After seven years of marriage, I’m sure of two things—first, never wallpaper together, and second, you’ll need two bathrooms … both for her.”—Dennis Miller, The Rants.

Catherine de Medici had two portable toilets—one was decorated with blue velvet, the other with red velvet. When her husband died, she had a third one made—with black velvet.

Actor John Bryans used to engage in a rather peculiar ritual before appearing on TV—he would go into a bathroom and sit on a toilet seat as he recited the names of the actors he most admired.

On the side of the door facing the ladies toilet in a Pennsylvania restaurant appeared the sign: “Please be seated during the whole performance.”

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David Bruce: Bathrooms Anecdotes

While preparing a wall for his stage production of Romeo and Juliet, realist director Franco Zeffirelli flicked a brush soaked with dirty and watery paint about 18 inches from the bottom of the wall, explaining, “This is where the dogs pee.” He then flicked the brush higher on the wall, adding, “and this is where the men pee.”

Although they were born in the United States and were American citizens, Yoshiko Uchida and her sister Keiko, who was nicknamed Kay, were interned at the American concentration camp at Topaz, Utah, because of their Japanese ancestry during World War II. Before being moved to Topaz, they were first forced to live in a horse stall that had been painted so hurriedly by the United States soldiers that young Yoshiko could see the corpses of spiders and other bugs under the whitewash. Kay became ill and was forced to stay in bed and use a large tin can when she needed to go to the bathroom. She worried that everyone would hear what she was doing—the horse stall “apartments” were not conducive to privacy. Therefore, while Kay used the can, Yoshiko rustled newspapers and made a lot of noise to cover up the bathroom noises that her sister was making.

When they were children, young people’s author William Sleator and his sister, Vicky, sometimes amused themselves during car trips by pretending that they were BMs (bowel movements). Vicky imagined that she was an Oreo cookie that had been eaten by Queen Elizabeth and she described the process of being transformed from an Oreo cookie into a BM and finally being flushed down a toilet in the queen’s marble bathroom. William described two items being eaten at the same time—blueberries and carrots—resulting in a purple-and-orange-striped BM. Vicky used to point out that striped BMs do not exist, but William replied that just because she had never see one that did not mean that they didn’t exist.

While attending Eastern Washington State College, young adult author Chris Crutcher got to know a true eccentric named Dumbo Banger. Mr. Banger purchased a seat belt from a NAPA auto parts store and affixed it to his toilet. Whenever a friend visited and had to sit on the toilet, and Mr. Banger did not hear a click, he would knock on the bathroom door and tell the occupant to buckle up because of liability problems should the occupant blast off. Mr. Banger appears as the character named Lionel Serbousek in Mr. Crutcher’s book titled Stotan!

When Robert L. Mott was working for the Captain Kangaroo Show live on TV, his sound effects room was located next to the building’s only women’s restroom. The flushes from this bathroom were very loud, and Mr. Mott understandably did not want the sound of the flushes to be heard on the children’s program; therefore, before each show started, he put an “Out of Order” sign on the door of the restroom. One show, he had just turned on the microphone for a sound effect on the show, when a woman screeched, “OUT OF ORDER! OH, F—K!”

Singing at outdoor concerts while wearing fabulous, elegant gowns does have a downside. In 1995, at Radley College, soprano Leslie Garrett discovered that her dress, because of its width, would not permit her to use a portaloo (in USAmerica, the term is “portapotty”). For the first half of the concert, she sang with her legs crossed. In the meantime, the concert organizers set up a tent, complete with a bucket, for her use during the interval (in USAmerica, the term is “intermission”).

Sir Hugh Walpole was visited by Mr. and Mrs. Lauritz Melchior. Mrs. Melchior had to use the bathroom, did, and discovered too late that no toilet paper was present. Seeing some other paper present in the form of books, she selected the least impressive volume and employed a few pages for a purpose they were not intended for. Later, she discovered that Sir Hugh kept a number of priceless first editions in his bathroom, where he employed his sitting-down time perusing his collection.

While working together on the movie The Cowboys, star John “Duke” Wayne and director Mark Rydell went out drinking. At one point, Mr, Wayne went to the restroom, and when he came back, one side of his pants was wet. Seeing Mr. Rydell stare, Duke explained: A fan next to him at the urinal had recognized him, and without first finishing his business, had turned to him and exclaimed, “You’re John Wayne!”

Roy Henderson once started practicing some vocal exercises in an empty cloakroom, thinking that no one could hear him. However, he was startled to hear a toilet flushing, followed shortly by a man coming out of a door at one end of the cloakroom. “I’m extremely sorry,” Mr. Henderson said. “I hope I didn’t disturb you.” The man replied, “On the contrary, I found it quite helpful.”

Many families have a hard time sharing a bathroom, which is sometimes the busiest room in a house. However, when Paris Singer of the family that manufactured Singer sewing machines bought modern dance pioneer Isadora Duncan a hotel outside Paris to serve as her dancing school, she didn’t have to worry about that problem. Of the hotel’s 200 rooms, 80 were bathrooms!

Early in her career, soprano Rita Hunter read a review which stated, “If Miss Hunter persists in singing her top notes with such abandon she won’t have a voice at all in two years.” Thirty years later, she still had her voice. She also still had the review—which she displayed on a wall in her bathroom.

During World War II, Adolf Hitler’s German air force attacked London, England, with bombs, forcing citizens into bomb shelters for as long as 10 hours at a stretch. Making things even more difficult was that some bomb shelters didn’t have bathrooms.

Like other college students, when Isaac Newton headed off to school (in his case, Cambridge University), he purchased necessary supplies. He bought ink, a notebook, a lock for his desk, a pound of candles—and perhaps most important, a chamber pot.

When comedian Jay Leno, host of The Tonight Show, was in high school, he used to sneak into the girls’ bathroom, pour water into the Kotex dispenser, then watch it expand and tear itself from the wall.

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David Bruce: Bathrooms Anecdotes

The most famous painting in the world is perhaps Leonardo da Vinci’s Mona Lisa. After he died, it became the possession of King Francis I of France. French royalty owned the painting for centuries, although they didn’t always choose to hang it in a place modern art lovers would consider appropriate. For a while, the Mona Lisa was displayed in the royal bathroom!

When he was a Captain, British Admiral Sir Raymond Lygo was asked to be an after-dinner speaker for the Rotarians. During the dinner, the head Rotarian asked Sir Raymond’s wife how long the speech would be and was shocked to hear that it would be 45 minutes. After the dinner, he announced to the diners, “Owing to the fact that the Captain’s speech will last for 45 minutes, I can allow you only five minutes to relieve yourselves.” Following the rush of the audience for the bathrooms and their return to the dining hall, the speech went well.

In 1960, Nan Robertson of the New York Times got a scoop when she interviewed Jackie Kennedy, wife of Presidential candidate John F. Kennedy. Getting the scoop was easy. Jackie walked into the bathroom of the Commodore Hotel in New York, and Ms. Robertson followed her, leaving behind several frustrated male reporters. In the bathroom, Ms. Robertson asked about rumors that Jackie had spent $30,000 on a clothing shopping spree. Jackie responded, “I couldn’t possibly spend that much on clothes unless I wore sable underwear.”

Researchers on Antarctica sometimes have to work without privacy. While working in the Dry Valleys for a few days, Rebecca L. Johnson and the men she was working with used a portable toilet called a “dunny” — a little red box equipped with a foam seat. Due to the landscape and to the lack of shelters, the dunny was placed out in the open, and its users had absolutely no privacy. Ms. Johnson says, “It’s amazing how quickly you can get used to something when you have no other options.”

When professional baseball player Jackie Robinson was competing in the Negro Leagues, he and his team traveled through the segregated South, where blacks were not allowed to use the restrooms in gas stations. Once, Mr. Robinson ordered the gas station attendant to stop putting gasoline into the team bus, then he explained that if he and the other black players couldn’t use the restroom, they weren’t going to buy 100 gallons of gasoline at the gas station. They were allowed to use the restroom.

Young gymnasts tend to look out for each other. At a gymnastics dormitory in the late 1970s, some young gymnasts would sneak away on Saturday afternoons to go to a Burger King for junk food favorites such as a double cheeseburger, fries, and shake. Young gymnast Jackie Cassello said, “If a dorm parent notices that a couple of kids are missing, we’ll stick up for them. We’ll say they’re in the bathroom.”

The worst job author Gary Paulsen ever had was replacing septic tanks while working for a septic tank company. Because he was new at the company, he had the worst job — emptying the sewage from the old tanks. Sometimes, Mr. Paulsen would be shoveling when a homeowner flushed the toilet and unintentionally gave him a shower of sewage — Mr. Paulsen’s fellow employees thought this was hilarious.

At the request of physicist Albert Einstein, the International Rescue Committee was founded to 1933 to help refugees. IRC caseworker Lang Ngan helps refugees arriving in New York City. In her job, she helps families learn all about life in the United States and has taught them such things as how to ride the subway, how to open savings and checking accounts at a bank, and even how to flush a toilet.

While on tour in Manchester in the 1950s, the London Philharmonic Orchestra played in an orchestra pit that was so small that the musicians were forced to open the door under the stage so they would have room for the overflow. On stage, Radames called, “Aïda, where art thou?” Immediately afterward, from the door under the stage was heard the loud flushing of a toilet.

Vaudeville comedian Ted Healy came on stage just after a bear act left. Unfortunately, the smallest bear had left a dropping as it exited, and the amused audience members were calling for the return of the bear act. Mr. Healy looked at the dropping, then he told the audience, “If that’s the kind of crap you want, I’ll do it myself.”

The Globe, which presented plays by its part-owner William Shakespeare, lacked bathrooms. Outside the theater, by the banks of the Thames, stood a row of outhouses. Inside the theater, some patrons may have used slop buckets to relieve themselves during the three hours or so it took to watch a play.

After a performance by stand-up comedian Joe Bolster, a woman who had been in the audience came up to him and said, “You were so funny, I pissed my pants.” She then opened her coat to show that she was drenched to her knees. Mr. Bolster replied, “I’m glad you didn’t shit — and thanks for coming.”

Players in the All American Girls Professional Baseball League during the 1940s and 1950s were required to wear feminine attire while appearing in public. For example, a player might wear pants while traveling on the team bus, but if she got off the bus to go to the bathroom, she had to put on a skirt.

Standup comedians quickly learn that the best way to meet a particular woman they see in the audience is to stand near the women’s restroom. Sooner or later, the woman they want to meet will use the facilities. In fact, that is how Jay Leno met his wife, Mavis.

Famous violinist Szymon Goldberg had some unusual talents. Once, he was disturbed during a concert by some background noise, so he stopped playing and requested a wrench. He went backstage, fixed a continuously running toilet, then resumed playing.

At the Michigan Womyn’s Music Festival, Portajohns are known as Portajanes.

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