Illnesses and Injuries – davidbruceblog #2

David Bruce: Illnesses and Injuries Anecdotes

• Lots of people asked President Abraham Lincoln for favors such as being appointed to political offices. One day, he found a way to quickly get rid of such people. He was ill when a favor-seeker came in to see him. President Lincoln explained that he was ill with what might be smallpox, “but you needn’t be scared. I’m only in the first stages now.” The favor-seeker couldn’t get out of Lincoln’s office fast enough. President Lincoln later joked, “That’s the way with people. When I can’t give them what they want, they’re dissatisfied, and say harsh things about me; but when I’ve something to give to everybody, they scamper off.”

• Actor Sheldon Leonard once had a mother’s helper who acquired a severe case of head lice. She was too embarrassed to get her prescription filled at a pharmacy, so Mr. Leonard did it for her. He had just handed the prescription to the pharmacist when his co-star, the beautiful actress Hedy Lamarr, walked up behind him. At just that moment, the pharmacist said, “Somebody’s got a bad case of lice.” Mr. Leonard writes in his autobiography, And the Show Goes On, that Ms. Lamarr avoided him for the rest of the filming of the movie they made together.

• Humor writer Robert Benchley once became ill and summoned a physician, who prescribed a new medication for him, although Mr. Benchley was worried about possible side effects. The next day the physician made a house call (this was a long time ago) and asked Mr. Benchley, who was lying in bed, how he was doing. “Fine,” said Mr. Benchley, “but I don’t quite know what to make of this — is this all right?” Then Mr. Benchley pulled down his blanket, revealing his thighs, to which he had glued the feathers from one of his pillows.

• While in New York, Russian ballerina Illaria Obidenna Ladré hurt her knee. Unfortunately, neither she nor the other Russians she was traveling with knew much English. They asked around for a doctor who would help Ms. Ladré, but when she went to the doctor’s office, he asked her, “Do you have syphilis?” When she replied that she had injured her knee, he told her, “You are in the wrong place.” Fortunately, the next doctor Ms. Ladré saw was able to help her.

• W.W. Jacobs, the author of Many Cargoes, met G.K. Chesterton at a dinner where Mr. Chesterton confessed to him that he had rheumatism and did not know how he was going to be able to give his speech. Mr. Chesterton solved his problem by leaning heavily on Mr. Jacobs’ shoulder while giving the speech. Later, Mr. Jacobs said that the speech was good, but it seemed to him to be the longest speech he had ever sat through.

• A group of beggars afflicted with leprosy once asked Zen master Bankei to teach them. He accepted them as students, initiated them, and even washed and shaved their heads with his own hands. A baron saw Bankei doing this and was disgusted, so he brought water for Bankei to wash his hands. However, Bankei refused to accept the basin of water, saying, “Your disgust is filthier than their sores.”

• Touring with the Ballet Russe de Monte Carlo in the 1930s and 1940s was difficult. Often, getting meals was a worry. While touring through the wintery Dakotas, ballerina Alicia Markova caught cold. She was unable to stay behind in a hotel to recuperate, so she traveled by train with the troupe and felt like she was ready to die. Fortunately, Adolf Bolm, a dancer, bought her some baby food at a train station. Heated up, the baby food proved to be a nourishing food she could keep down.

• Actress Madge Titheradge had a reputation for fainting. In Theater Royal, she fainted at the end of the second act. Actress Dame Marie Tempest saw her fall; not being in a mood to tolerate such foolishness, she raised the stick which was part of her costume and was about to hit her — but Ms. Titheradge made a sudden recovery and picked herself off the floor.

• English wit Sydney Smith liked historian Thomas Macaulay, but he thought that his friend talked too much. Once Macaulay was ill, but Mr. Smith thought that the illness had improved his friend’s conversation by making him “more agreeable than I have ever seen him — there were some gorgeous flashes of silence.”

• Comedy writers Goodman Ace and Al Boasberg once went to the movies together. In the middle of the movie, Mr. Boasberg stood up and asked loudly, “Is there a Christian Scientist in the house?” A woman replied that she was, and she asked what he wanted. Mr. Boasberg replied, “Would you mind changing seats with me? I’m sitting in a draft.”

• Ed Penisten died in his hometown of Chillicothe, Ohio, in 1965. For many years, he was a sportswriter, and he had been a sports editor for the Columbus Dispatch. After an illness, he asked his physician if he could engage in a “mild” form of sexual intercourse. His physician replied, “There ain’t no such thing.”

• Dwight D. Eisenhower and the great Native American football player Jim Thorpe once met. They played each other in a game at West Point in 1912. Mr. Eisenhower tackled Mr. Thorpe, but the tackle injured Mr. Eisenhower’s knee and he had to quit playing football.

• A big man was sleeping on the deck of a cruise ship when a small man suddenly felt ill and vomited all over the big man. The big man woke up and discovered that he was covered with vomit. Thinking quickly, the small man asked, “Do you feel better now?”

• While in a hospital, Dorothy Parker wished to be left alone so she could dictate letters to her secretary, so she pressed the button that called the nurses’ station, saying, “This should assure us of at least an hour of undisturbed privacy.”

• As a youth, actor Robert Morley once visited a madman in a mental hospital who urged him, “Bring me detective stories, and get me out.”

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David Bruce: Illness and Injuries Anecdotes

• In April of 1964, a little girl named Malkala became ill, spent seven weeks in the hospital, and then was bed-ridden for several months at home with the prognosis that she would probably never walk again. Her school classmates decided to chip in to buy her a gift — the third record album by the Singing Rabbi, Shlomo Carlebach. (She already owned and enjoyed his first two albums.) Unfortunately, they weren’t able to find the record album in stores, so finally their music teacher called Rabbi Shlomo at his home. Rabbi Shlomo talked to her, then a few days later he showed up at the little girl’s home with a guitar in one hand and his album in the other. He gave her the album and a personal concert, and then he told her, “You are going to walk again, I promise you! And when you do, I want you to call me, and I will come to wherever you are at that time to watch how you’re walking. … Because it’s not only going to be the most special moment in your life; it’s also going to be the most special in mine.” In August, she began to take a few steps in a resort in the Catskills. Rabbi Shlomo came, and he once again gave her a personal concert. Years later, in 1990, the now grown-up girl’s 20-year-old daughter was working at a summer camp for mentally retarded Jewish children. Rabbi Shlomo gave a concert there, and the daughter met him and asked if he remembered the ill little girl who couldn’t walk about 30 years ago, for she was the ill little girl’s daughter. Rabbi Shlomo said, “Of course, I remember your mother. I want to know everything about her.” The daughter wasn’t sure that Rabbi Shlomo really remembered her mother until he asked, “So tell me, does she still have the record album I brought her that day?”

• R’ Zalmele was visiting another Rabbi, when a man came to consult the Rabbi about whether certain tasks could be performed for a person who was ill although the tasks were normally prohibited on the Sabbath. The Rabbi wasn’t sure, so he started to consult a volume of Jewish law, but seeing this, R’ Zalmele immediately said, “It is permitted.” This shocked everyone present, as it is considered unwarranted for one Rabbi to make a ruling when another Rabbi has been consulted, but after the man had gone, R’ Zalmele explained, “I hope you did not take offense at my action, but it is essential that a Rav should have at his fingertips all the laws that deal with a person whose life is in danger, because we are talking about human life.”

• Michael Stephenson and Diane Downes were dancing the Snow pas de deux from The Nutcracker. During several rehearsals, Mr. Stephenson had forgotten a certain step, so when they arrived at that step, Ms. Downes, trying to be helpful, whispered, “Effacé.” Unfortunately, Mr. Stephenson misheard the word and thought she was saying, “I feel sick,” so trying to be helpful, he whispered encouraging words such as “You’re doing fine” and “Hang in there.” After the dance was over and they were safely offstage, Ms. Downes asked him, “What the hell were you talking about?”

• Many people remember Russell Johnson, who played the Professor on Gilligan’s Island(he’s the super-intelligent scientist from Cleveland, Ohio, who could do almost anything except build a boat). Not so well known is that his son David used to be the AIDS coordinator for the City of Los Angeles. Unfortunately, David had to retire after contracting AIDS. Russell Johnson writes in his book Here on Gilligan’s Isle, “AIDS is not restricted demographically; sooner or later, everyone will come in contact with an individual who has AIDS.”

• Giuseppe de Stefano was a talented opera singer, but sometimes erratic when it came to showing up to perform. Once, his wife called Sir Rudolf Bing, the general manager of the Metropolitan Opera, to say that her husband was very ill and could not sing that evening. Sir Rudolf replied that since her husband was so ill, he ought not to stay at home, and so he would send an ambulance to pick him up and take him to the hospital. Mr. Stefano made a remarkable recovery and showed up to sing.

• Pianist Anton Rubinstein was gallant to the ladies and capable of great kindness. Once he heard that a woman was disappointed because she had been unable to attend one of his concerts due to illness, so he went to her house and played the entire concert for her. While in London, he met the Princess of Wales and kissed her hand. She withdrew her hand, saying that such was not the custom in England. Mr. Rubinstein replied, “With us, it is the law.”

• In the midst of a smallpox epidemic, the Rav of Karutcha, R’ Avraham Aharonson, was urged to get a vaccination, but he refused to until his maid was vaccinated first. When the doctors pointed out that every minute without the vaccine was dangerous, the good Rabbi replied, “That’s exactly why I want the maid vaccinated first. Her life takes precedence over mine, because she is younger than I.”

• In the bureaucracy of the former USSR, lower-level bureaucrats were very subservient to higher-level bureaucrats. A Soviet bureaucrat once met Queen Elizabeth and prepared to kiss her hand, but she withdrew her hand, saying, “I have a rash.” The Soviet bureaucrat replied, “Oh, that’s nothing — Leonid Brezhnev has hemorrhoids.”

• When ballet dancer Vaslav Nijinsky’s mental illness first descended on him during a tour in South American, he became paranoid and hired a detective to protect him. One of the detective’s jobs was to search each stage for booby traps and for broken glass before Mr. Nijinsky performed.

• Totie Fields was a comedian who had a leg amputated because of phlebitis. Appearing on Merv Griffin’s talk show after the operation, she said, “At least I still have a leg to stand on.”

• “Astrology is a disease, not a science.” — Maimonides

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David Bruce: Illnesses and Injuries Anecdotes

Major league umpire Bill Klem wore an inside chest protector, which afforded less protection than an outside chest protector, although Mr. Klem maintained that umpires could avoid injury by weaving with the ball. Even so, he once had his collarbone broken while umpiring. When it healed, a hole was left in his chest which you could stick your finger in. Later, fellow umpire Jocko Conlan had his collarbone broken while working a game. Mr. Klem told him, “You’ve got to weave.” Mr. Conlan had roomed with Mr. Klem, and so he knew where the hole left by Mr. Klem’s broken collarbone was located. He stuck his finger in the hole and said, “How did you get that?” Mr. Klem replied, “I didn’t weave either, that day.”

While serving as a soldier in World War II, Spike Milligan knew a young soldier named Sergeant Cusak, who became the first in the group to get crabs. Sergeant Cusak went to Piccadilly to fill a prescription for blue unction — whose only function is to treat crabs. Not wanting to be embarrassed, he whispered to the pharmacist, “Can I have some blue unction?” Unfortunately, the pharmacist said loudly, “BLUE UNCTION?” Knowing that everyone had heard the pharmacist, Sergeant Cusak replied twice as loudly, “YES, I’VE GOT BLOODY CRABS!”

When Quaker humorist Tom Mullen went into a hospital to have his colon removed, he met a nurse who had undergone the same medical procedure and so was able to answer his questions and joke with him about the procedure. With no colon, the patient must wear a bag into which the feces collect. Mr. Mullen asked what he should do if the bag broke, and the nurse replied, “Stand downwind.” The nurse also said that men have an advantage over women in undergoing this procedure: “Both men and women wear bags, but we women have to find shoes to match.”

Acting leads to a dichotomy between reality and appearance. The 19th-century actor O. Smith remembers seeing the great John Kemble perform heroic roles of enormous valor and vigor near the end of his career. He also remembers Mr. Kemble being attended to by his servant during intermission. Because of Mr. Kemble’s infirmity and asthma, the attendant was obliged to support him as he walked, but when Mr. Kemble was in front of an audience playing such characters as Cato, Cardinal Wolsey, and King John, no such support was necessary.

Not all hospital pharmacies respect privacy. Gail Sausser went to a hospital clinic, where she was given a prescription to take to the hospital pharmacy. She did so, then sat down as she waited for the prescription to be filled. A pharmacist eventually looked at the prescription, then loudly asked, “Sausser, what clinic did you get this from?” More than once, she tried to quietly answer, “The fourth-floor clinic,” but eventually, she gave up and with everyone staring at her replied loudly, “The V.D. Clinic!”

Baseball manager Leo “The Lip” Durocher and umpire Tom Gorman had some notable arguments on the baseball field. In a play at first base, when Leo’s runner and the first baseman collided, Mr. Gorman’s leg was broken. Mr. Gorman was lying hurt on the ground, and he heard someone above him say, “Did he call him out, or did he call him safe?” Mr. Gorman asked, “Who’s talking?” The answer came, “It’s me, Leo,” and Mr. Gorman said, “Well, if it’s Leo, he’s out.”

President Abraham Lincoln was besieged by people asking to be appointed to various offices; unfortunately, there were many more people than offices. Once, he suffered from a mild form of smallpox, and the office-seekers were afraid to come near him. President Lincoln enjoyed their absence, but he told a friend, “Is it not too bad that now, while I have something to give to everybody, no one comes near me.”

Lesbian comedians Robin Tyler and Patty Harrison used to do a routine about faith-healer Brother Ripoff. As Brother Ripoff, Ms. Tyler would say to Ms. Harrison, who was playing an ill lesbian looking for healing, “This woman’s come to me and she’s a lesbian and she wants to be healed. I’m going to put my hand on her and I’m going to heal her. Hallelujah! You are now healed — and you’re still a lesbian!”

A surgeon once removed a huge bone chip from the ankle of American gymnast Vanessa Atler, and he was shocked by its size, even after having worked for years on the injuries of the Dallas Cowboys. Ms. Atler joked, “See, that makes me tougher than all those football players.”

Before George Burns and Gracie Allen were married, Mr. Burns had a rival. Once, Ms. Allen was ill and in a hospital, and Mr. Burns was supposed to tell her beau the news. Mr. Burns didn’t do that, so the beau didn’t send flowers — but Mr. Burns filled her hospital room with baskets of flowers.

We have forgotten how much devastation the disease polio caused. In 1956, Tanaquil LeClercq, a George Balanchine dancer, contracted polio. It paralyzed her below the legs, and her dancing career and walking days were over at age 27.

Stand-up comedian Jonathan Solomon won’t mention some things in his act. For example, he never mentions herpes because he figures as many as 25 percent of his audience has herpes and he doesn’t want to remind them of it.

A friend once said to country comedian Jerry Clower, “I see you got the furniture disease.” Mr. Clower asked what the furniture disease was, and his friend told him, “Your chest has done dropped down into your drawers.”

Comedian Groucho Marx frequently suffered from depression. According to his friend Dick Cavett, “He needed a Groucho to cheer him up. He was the only person who couldn’t have one.”

Some women visited a sick friend and told her, “We will remember you in our prayers.” The woman replied, “Just wash the dishes in the kitchen. I can do my own praying.”

Richard Pryor got a lot of comedic material from his own life. After suffering a heart attack, he joked about the lengths he would go to in order to get new material.

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David Bruce: Illnesses and Injuries Anecdotes

When Bill Clinton was Governor of Arkansas, Hillary Rodham Clinton found herself seated by President George Bush (senior). She had long been interested in the health of children, and so she told President Bush how poorly the United States protected the health of its children under one year of age. President Bush responded, “Our health care system is the envy of the world.” Mrs. Clinton replied, “Not if you want to keep your child alive to the year of his first birthday.” After investigating the matter, President Bush told Bill Clinton, “Tell Hillary she was right.”

One reason the Native Americans could not mount a more effective resistance to whites who illegally took over their lands was that the whites brought highly contagious and deadly diseases such as smallpox that devastated the Native Americans, who had not developed an immunity to them. In 1763, the British acquired blankets from a hospital that treated patients who had smallpox. The British then gave the blankets to Native Americans, deliberately trying to infect them with smallpox so that many of them would die, thus decreasing their ability to resist the whites.

An accident can end the career of an athlete very quickly. Maureen Connolly, an American tennis player, won singles championships at Wimbledon in 1952, 1953, and 1954. In addition, she became the first woman ever to win the Grand Slam, by winning the major championships in four different countries: Australia, England, France, and the United States in 1953. But while she was riding a horse at home during a break from tennis, a truck sideswiped her horse and severely injured her right leg. Just like that, her tennis career was over.

After jockey Julie Krone was bucked from a horse and broke her ankle, she was still determined to race although her foot was in a cast. After all, she had won more races than the other jockeys at Monmouth Park in New York with two weeks left in the season, and another rider needed only 10 victories to catch up to her. Therefore, Ms. Krone tore off her cast and had her doctor put on another cast that would fit in a riding boot, and she continued to race and won the riding title at Monmouth.

Underneath their colored stockings, professional baseball players wear white sanitary hose. Why? In and before 1905, players wore only the socks bearing the colors of their team. However, in 1905, Napoleon Lajoie’s foot was cut by a player sliding into second base. The dye from his colored socks seeped into the wound and he came down with a bad case of blood poisoning. He survived and continued to play baseball, but as a precautionary measure players began to wear white sanitary hose.

The Great Fire of London destroyed 87 churches and over 13,000 homes in its four days and four nights of burning. The night it started, Sept. 1, 1666, Samuel Pepys’ maid woke him up, but after looking out the window, he went back to bed. In 17th century London, fires were common. The fire spread because the Lord Mayor did not want to create a fire break by pulling down houses. Some good resulted from the fire — it stopped the plague by killing the rats whose fleas were spreading it.

Young dancer Alicia Alonso had two operations on her eyes to repair detached retinas, forcing her to lie still for months until the physicians allowed her to get up from bed. As she lay in bed, she practiced dancing using only her fingers, moving them as she visualized the movements of the dancers in such ballets as Giselle. When she finally got out of bed, she was unable to stand by herself, but she got herself in shape again and became a world-famous ballerina.

In 1951, renowned conductor Herbert von Karajan prepared to make a recording of Bach’s B minor Mass. He rehearsed the Gesellschaft der Musikfreunde chorus and the Vienna Symphony 70 times to prepare for the recording, then he came down with a case of blood poisoning two days before the first recording session. Nevertheless, he conducted from a stretcher, raising one arm into the air, and the recording was outstanding.

John Huston directed The Misfits, the final film of both Clark Gable and Marilyn Monroe. During filming, Ms. Monroe became very ill, and Mr. Huston made her go to a hospital to recuperate. Later, a reporter asked why he had done that — was it out of consideration for the movie picture or out of consideration for Ms. Monroe? Mr. Huston replied, “The picture? The hell with the picture! The girl’s whole career was at stake!”

Country music singer Willie Nelson has a lot of respect for Dr. Red Duke, but since mortals are in fact mortal, even the best doctors will have some patients die. Dr. Duke took care of Willie’s mother before she died, and he took care of Willie’s father-in-law before he died, so Mr. Nelson joked, “If you don’t quit losing them, I’m going to quit sending them to you.” Dr. Duke smiled and said, “Willie, you’re just going to have to get them to me earlier.”

John von Neumann worked on the Manhattan Project at Los Alamos, New Mexico, and helped develop the atomic bomb. Later, he worked for the Atomic Energy Commission. When he was dying of cancer, he had to take heavy dosages of medicine. The government made sure that the people taking care of him all had security clearances just in case he accidentally let secrets slip while under the medication.

In 1991, Pittsburgh Penguin hockey player Mario Lemieux scored a goal and made three assists as Pittsburgh defeated the Minnesota North Stars and won the Stanley Cup. As recognition for his efforts throughout the playoffs, Mr. Lemieux was voted Most Valuable Player. However, before the game, he suffered from so much back pain that he was unable to tie his own skate laces.

Maria Tallchief believes that her long years of intense physical activity as a ballerina resulted in her suffering from arthritis after she retired. Her pharmacist once asked her, “You’re now paying for all those years — it was worth it, wasn’t it?” Ms. Tallchief replied, “It certainly was.”

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David Bruce: Illnesses and Injuries Anecdotes

Country musician Roy Clark sometimes visits the Children’s Medical Center in Tulsa, Oklahoma, where in 1983 he saw a little girl named Davi Sallee who had been paralyzed in a car accident. She was frail and in a wheelchair, and she seemed very close to being a vegetable. Mr. Clark talked to her, although he knew that she could not respond, and as he talked to her, one of her feet slipped off a footrest. Mr. Clark lifted her leg and put her foot back on the footrest, and then he said to her, “Maybe I shouldn’t have done that. It’s not proper for boys to pick up girls’ legs like that.” On an impulse, he added, “Besides, you could have done it yourself if you wanted to.” The little girl then raised her foot up and down, exciting the nurses, who had never seen the little girl make a voluntary movement since she had been admitted to the medical center. Mr. Clark and the nurses stayed in touch, with the nurses informing him of the little girl’s progress, and eventually the little girl began writing him letters. The following year, he returned to Tulsa, and he went to the Children’s Medical Center to present the facility with a check for the money that his Tulsa charity golf tournament had raised. The nurses had a surprise for him: The little girl walked down the hallway to him, and she hugged him.

Pitcher Sandy Koufax, who played his entire career with the Dodgers, both in Brooklyn and in Los Angeles, is one athlete who went out at the top of his game. In 1966, his final season, his win-loss record was 27-9. He retired from baseball because of his elbow—doctors told him that if he continued to pitch, his arm could become crippled. In retirement, he golfed. A golf pro once advised him to straighten his arm while he was swinging the golf club. Mr. Koufax replied, “If I could straighten it out, I’d be pitching at Dodger Stadium tonight.” If the modern medicine we have these days had been available back then, the elbow problem that ended his career could have been fixed. Mr. Koufax said, “I had a bunch of spurs in there, but they didn’t want to operate. … I don’t know how much longer I could have pitched, but today I could have had surgery over the winter and been back the next season.”

On 12 December 1983, science and science-fiction writer Isaac Asimov had a heart bypass operation. His greatest fear was he would suffer brain damage if his brain did not get enough oxygen during the operation, so he asked his physician to make sure that his brain was well supplied with oxygen. After the operation, his physician tested Mr. Asimov’s brain for damage by saying, “Make me up a limerick, Isaac. Mr. Asimov replied, “There once was an old doctor named Paul / With a penis exceedingly small ….” His physician interrupted, “That’s enough, Isaac. You pass.” By the way, Mr. Asimov once received a compliment from a librarian who said that Mr. Asimov’s books were the ones most often stolen from the library.

Registered nurse Kathleen Poole and a young doctor were checking on an unresponsive, elderly patient, when the doctor asked her out on a date that evening. She replied, “No, thanks. I’m so tired. I’m just going to go home and go to bed.” He replied, “Alone? You wouldn’t have to go to bed alone if I was there.” This conversation continued for a while, with Ms. Poole resisting the doctor’s advances, and the patient who had been unresponsive opened her eyes and snapped, “Oh, for crying out loud, say ‘yes’ so I can get some sleep.”

When Barbara Brooks, wife of country singer Kix Brooks of Brooks and Dunn fame, fell from a horse, she ended up in a hospital. One of the things she noticed was that a different person would appear each time she had to give a blood sample. The head of the department eventually apologized to her for this. The workers in the department were taking turns drawing her blood because they wanted to see the wife of a famous country and western singer.

Polly, the young niece of Alexander Woollcott, had to see a doctor because of a sore leg. Polly was convinced that she was going to die, and she accepted her fate, but her mother was terribly upset, especially when Polly talked about dying. When they arrived at the doctor’s office, the doctor looked at Polly, who was serene, and he looked at Polly’s mother, who was distraught. Then he stuck a thermometer into the mother’s mouth.

When George Plimpton attended Cambridge, he got sick and the housekeeper talked to him for a very long time. Growing tired, he wanted her to leave, and trying to be polite, he said to her, “I must ask you to leave now. My favorite radio program is just coming on.” As she was leaving, George turned on the radio, only to hear the announcer say, “Come now, children, clap your hands!”

Comedian Joe E. Lewis once entertained the troops in a jungle. The approximately 60 troops were on a platform at the rear of a truck, and although Mr. Lewis told his funniest jokes for over an hour, he heard no laughter from the troops. Later, he found out why. Although they had enjoyed the show, all of the troops had mumps and could not laugh out loud.

Comedian Bill Hicks sometimes went out with mentally disturbed women, one of whom tried to stab him with a fork, then told him that she loved him. Mr. Hicks replied, “If you really loved me, you would have used a spoon.”

Psychiatrists used to think that homosexuality was a mental disease that could be cured by such treatments as electric shock therapy, internment in mental hospitals — and lobotomies.

Russian conductor Vasily Safonov got very seasick while crossing the Atlantic. Violinist Fritz Kreisler’s wife was on board, and she tried to comfort him by singing the Russian national anthem to him, but he begged her, “Please don’t do that, or I shall have to get on my feet.”

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David Bruce: Illnesses and Injuries Anecdotes

Titta_ruffo_portrait

Portrait of Italian baritone Tita Ruffo, taken in Rome

In 1931, several Italian opera singers sailed to the Colon in Buenos Aires. Among the singers were baritone Titta Ruffo and tenor Galliano Masini. Perhaps expecting a compliment, Mr. Masini asked Mr. Ruffo, “After Caruso, who is the world’s greatest tenor?” However, he did not receive a compliment. Instead, Mr. Ruffo replied, “One fart from Caruso would drown out all the tenors active today.”

Often, people know their singing idols only through records and not through live performances, so they have little idea what their idols look like. Baritones Adolfo Mariani and Titta Ruffo once were in a restaurant talking about and comparing the great baritones of the past and the present when their waiter told them, “You signori know NOTHING about baritones. You haven’t even mentioned the greatest of them all, Titta Ruffo, who comes from my hometown, Pisa.” Wanting to have some fun, Mr. Ruffo told the waiter, “Oh, come off it. Compared with Riccardo Stracciari, Ruffo’s voice was a fart.” The waiter was offended — until Mr. Ruffo identified himself, and then the waiter was overcome with joy to meet the baritone he so much admired.

Comedian Jonathan Winters sometimes has to deal with negative people — which provides an outlet for his fertile brain. Someone once asked him, “Aren’t you somewhat of a has-been?” He replied, “No question about it, but I’m an international has-been whereas you’re just a local has-been.” Mr. Winters once created a bitter epitaph for his gravestone: “Step on me. Everyone else did.” Of course, not everything in his life is bitter. Robin Williams and many other comedians are fans of his. The Ohio-born Mr. Winters once told Mr. Williams to stop referring to him as a mentor: “That’s a bad word in Ohio. Say ‘idol.’”

Both Mike Nichols and Elaine May could be hostile, and both were masters of the put-down. Ms. May, a beautiful woman, was once followed by two men who blew kisses at her. Never one to take BS, she turned around to face the men and asked them, “What’s the matter? Tired of each other?” When one man replied, “F — k you,” she replied, “With what?” While Mr. Nichols was directing The Odd Couple, he gave actor Walter Matthau a direction that the actor thought was emasculating, so he asked Mr. Nichols, “Mike, can I have my c — k back now?” Mr. Nichols yelled, “Props!”

In the early 1980s, insult comic Judy Tenuta and comedian Tommy Hack worked together. They were going to do a gig in the badlands of South Dakota. Mr. Hack was driving — it was his Ford Pinto — and about 100 miles from their destination he asked Ms. Tenuta, “Hey, Judy, you saw my act last night, so what do you think of it? Be honest, what do you really think?” She replied, “Ask me when we get within walking distance of the town.”

Keith Olbermann of MSNBC Countdown With Keith Olbermann fame has a sharp mind, sharp wit, and sharp typing fingers. As you might expect, he gets a lot of hate e-mail, and on occasion he has responded — forcefully. To a hate e-mailer who wrote that his “hero” must be al-Qaida leader Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, Mr. Olbermann responded, “Hey, save the oxygen for somebody whose brain can use it. Kill yourself.”

Geoff Hilton, a young family friend of science fiction writer Anne McCaffrey, was noted for insulting Barbara, his sister. At a dinner during which Geoff had steadily been insulting Barbara, Anne said, “But, Geoff, we all know that the English insult only those they really love.” Geoff thought this over for a moment, then turned to his sister and said, “Barbara, dear, have I told you how marvelous you look?”

Sir Thomas Beecham disliked the music of Vaughan Williams. At one rehearsal, he conducted a William symphony, but he seemed to be paying very little attention to it. In fact, after the symphony was over, Sir Thomas continued to move his baton until a member of the orchestra told him, “It’s finished, Sir Thomas.” Sir Thomas looked at his score and said, “So it is — thank God!”

Football referee Jim Durfee had a sharp wit. He once caught Chicago Cardinals coach Milan Creighton illegally coaching from the sidelines, so he counted off a 10-yard penalty. When Mr. Creighton informed him that the penalty for coaching from the sidelines was 15 yards, Mr. Durfee replied, “I know, Milan, but the kind of coaching you do is worth only 10 yards.”

The Nebraska Cornhuskers were losing the game, so coach Bernie Masterson sent in a sub with the orders, “Get in there and play as you’ve never played before.” Unfortunately, the sub promptly fumbled twice. Mr. Masterson pulled him out of the game and told him, “Perhaps you misunderstood me. I didn’t say play as though you’ve never played before.”

Jack Riley played the character of the insulting, misanthropic Mr. Elliott Carlin on The Bob Newhart Show. Frequently, fans of the show ask him if he is anything like the character he portrayed. Because he is a professional comedian, Mr. Riley’s standard response to this question is in the character of Mr. Carlin: “Bite me, you wiener.”

In the 1987-88 season, the Los Angeles Kings had a very poor season: 30-42-8. One hockey fan was so angry at the losing season that he decided to insult the players by tossing a live chicken onto the ice during a game — the chicken was wearing a uniform the same color as the Kings’ uniforms.

Gioacchino Rossini was not fond of the sound of the high notes sung by the tenors of his day, and when Enrico Tamberlik wanted to visit him in Paris, Mr. Rossini requested that he leave his C-sharp in the vestibule until his visit was over.

George Bernard Shaw once ate at a restaurant where a band played popular music. The proprietor of the restaurant brought him a card on which he could write what he wanted the band to play. Mr. Shaw wrote, “Dominoes.”

In the 20^th century, sopranos Maria Callas and Renata Tebaldi feuded. Ms. Callas, however, denied that they were rivals: “How could we be rivals? I am champagne, and she is Coca-Cola.”

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David Bruce: Illnesses and Injuries Anecdotes

Stokes

Maurice Stokes played center for the Rochester-Cincinnati Royals (now they are the Sacramento Kings), along with forward Jack Twyman. In 1957, during a play-off game, Mr. Stokes’ head hit the floor hard. He got up, but later while on an airplane he started vomiting and became so ill that he was baptized and given last rites on the plane. It turned out that he was suffering from a major head injury. Both Mr. Stokes and Mr. Twyman lived in Cincinnati, and Mr. Twyman visited Mr. Stokes for four months while Mr. Stokes was in a coma. When Mr. Stokes came out of the coma, he was paralyzed and could not speak. Mr. Twyman devised a way for Mr. Stokes to communicate. Mr. Twyman recited the alphabet and when he reached the letter that Mr. Stokes wanted, Mr. Stokes blinked. Later, after Mr. Stokes regained some movement in a few fingers, Mr. Stokes drew a diagram of typewriter keys on a piece of cardboard and Mr. Stokes pointed to the letters and spelled out words. In addition, Mr. Stokes and the NBA raised much money for Mr. Stokes. The Celtics, Hawks, Pistons, and Royals all paid their own expenses as they put on a doubleheader with the profits going to Mr. Stokes’ care. Fans also sent contributions. One fan who sent money in a letter to Mr. Twyman wrote, “Where else but in this country could I, a Jew, send money to you, a Catholic, to help a black man?”

Major-league baseball pitcher Bob Gibson was sickly — and impoverished — as a young kid. He remembers a rat biting him on the ear — this is one of his earliest memories. He suffered through a number of illnesses as a youngster: He had rickets, bronchial asthma, and a rheumatic heart. At age three, he nearly died from pneumonia. His older brother, Leroy, whose nickname was Josh (after Negro League standout hitter Josh Gibson), carried him to the hospital. Bob wondered whether he would die, and Josh told him, “No, Robert, you’re not going to die. And when you’re well, I’m going to buy you a bat and glove.” Of course, he did recover, and he became a late-blooming star in basketball as well as baseball. In fact, he was on a college all-star team that played the Harlem Globetrotters, a team that hardly ever loses. Bob sat on the bench for three quarters with the Globetrotters taking and holding the lead, and then in the fourth quarter he came into the game and scored 15 points to lead his team to a one-point victory. The impressed Globetrotters immediately offered him a contract to play for them, and he did for four months, in 1957-1958, earning $4,000.

The general managers of opera houses have to know how to handle opera singers who call in sick when what they suffer from is just an attack of nerves. Metropolitan Opera general manager Giulio Gatti-Cazazza was not surprised when tenor Giacomo Lauri-Volpi called in with a sore throat, saying that he could not sing that night. Mr. Gatti-Cazazza knew that Mr. Lauri-Volpi was NOT sick, but he murmured a few sympathetic words and told him not to worry, for he would find a replacement to sing in his place that night. He waited a little while, and then he called Mr. Lauri-Volpi to tell him that Beniamino Gigli — Mr. Lauri-Volpi’s arch-rival — was in wonderful voice and had agreed to sing in Mr. Lauri-Volpi’s place that night. Soon after Mr. Gatti-Cazazza had hung up the telephone, it rang again. Mr. Lauri-Volpi was calling to tell him that his throat was much better and that he could sing after all. No fool, Mr. Gatti-Cazazza had not even bothered to call Mr. Gigli, but had made up the story of Mr. Gigli replacing Mr. Lauri-Volpi.

Art Linkletter was a famous daytime TV show host in the mid-20^th century. He once took part in a miracle. He and his wife, Lois, were in Tahiti following a visit to their ranch in Australia when they received a telegram that his wife’s mother, Peg, had suffered a stroke and was unconscious. Of course, they immediately came home, and Mr. Linkletter followed an impulse to hold his mother-in-law’s hand and tell her in a voice of authority, “Peg, I know you can hear me. Lois and I have flown all the way from Australia to tell you about our sheep. Now open your eyes and say hello.” Peg opened her eyes and said, “Hello, Art.” Then she closed her eyes again. This time, Mr. Linkletter said, “Come on, now keep those eyes open. We love you.” She opened her eyes, and this time they stayed open. Mr. Linkletter says, “It was the only miracle I ever witnessed. I was glad it was for my mother-in-law.”

Many dogs are good with and for injured or ill children. Peter Howe’s dog, Bobby Blue, is well known as a visitor to pediatric patients at Beth Israel Hospital. When Mr. Howe and Bobby Blue get in an elevator together at the hospital, people often greet Bobby Blue by name, but they don’t know Mr. Howe’s name. Bobby Blue is even allowed to visit patients in the intensive care unit. Once, Mr. Howe was going to take Bobby Blue to the other side of a bed so that a little girl could see him, but the nurses explained that it was time to move the little girl so that she would be lying on her other side — unfortunately, a move that was painful to the little girl. The little girl cried as she was being moved until she saw Bobby Blue, and then she stopped crying and started smiling as she stared at him.

Even though pro football player Brian Piccolo was deathly ill, he snuck out of his patient’s room for a while to visit a small girl who had broken her neck and had only a short time to live. Not long after, Mr. Piccolo died. Mr. Piccolo’s friendship with running back Gale Sayers is well known. Accepting an award at a Pro Football Writers Dinner, Mr. Sayers stated that the award should have gone to Mr. Piccolo, who Mr. Sayers said showed more courage battling the illness that would kill him than Mr. Sayers showed on the football field.

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