Tag: Neighborhoods

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David Bruce: The Funniest People in Neighborhoods — Weddings, Work

Weddings

• Rabbi Aryeh Levine understood the feelings of other people. He once attended a wedding at which a hard-working but impoverished Jew of good character was asked to be a witness. The hard-working Jew gratefully agreed to be a witness, then a wealthy but proud Jew was asked to be a witness. The proud Jew was insulted at being asked to be a witness alongside another Jew of lesser wealth and status, so he declined the honor. This embarrassed the hard-working Jew. Rabbi Aryeh noticed that the hard-working Jew was embarrassed, so he immediately volunteered to be the other witness. Having such a renowned scholar as the second witness made both the hard-working Jew and the marrying couple very happy.

• At a Jewish wedding, the groom smashes a glass with his foot. Why? It’s a reminder that when the married couple argues — as all married couples do — they don’t need to break each other’s heart. Instead, they can break a glass. This is something that Rabbi Joseph H. Gelberman teaches each couple at weddings he performs. He once met a couple 10 years after he had married them, and he asked them how everything was. The husband replied, “Beautiful. We have three children, and everything is wonderful.” Then he smiled and added, “But we have no glasses left.”

• Before modern dance pioneer Isadora Duncan went to Russia, she visited a fortune teller, who told her that she would get married — something that Ms. Duncan, who was philosophically opposed to marriage, scoffed at. However, she met a handsome Russian poet and soon was shocking her elderly language tutor by saying to her, “You’d better teach me what I ought to say to a beautiful man when I want to kiss him.” And yes, she and the handsome poet were married.

• Rabbi Morris N. Kertzer once officiated at a wedding of elderly people. The 76-year-old groom, whose best man was his grandson, was hard of hearing, and in the middle of the ceremony he thought the blessing was over so he gave his 69-year-old bride a passionate kiss. The grandson whispered to Rabbi Kertzer that to people as old as the groom and bride, time was precious.

• At weddings of the hasidim, friends of the bridegroom used to steal the bridegroom’s tallit (prayer shawl). To get it back, the bridegroom would have to pay a ransom of drinks for everybody. On one occasion, however, the bridegroom’s tallit was given to a poor woman, and to get it back, the bridegroom, who could afford it, gave the poor woman a large sum of money.

• Rabbi Morris N. Kertzer takes seriously his pre-marriage counseling of hopefully soon-to-be-wedded couples. One would-be groom, a medical student, thought little of his fiance’s plain looks, but spoke enthusiastically of how her family’s money would help him establish a medical practice. Rabbi Kertzer would not marry him, suggesting instead that he find another rabbi to do the honors.

• In 1925, Chicago Bears football player Duke Hanny wanted to skip a game so he could get married; unfortunately, his coach, George Halas, declined to let him skip the game. Big problem. Mr. Hanny showed up for the kickoff, started a fight with an opposing player just after the kickoff, was thrown out of the game, and went to his wedding. Problem solved.

• Jascha Heifetz was a very popular violinist. When Josef Gingold (another excellent violinist) got married, the wedding guests disappeared quickly after the wedding ceremony. Why? That night, Heifetz was playing on the radio!

Work

• When Lindy Hop dancer Norma Miller was an infant, her recently widowed mother worried because she had two children to take care of. Her mother did not think that she could support herself and two children, so she went to an orphanage to have the people there take care of her children until she could take care of them. However, while she was at the orphanage, a little girl came up to her, tugged at her skirt, and asked, “Are you my mama?” Immediately, Norma’s mother decided not to leave her children at the orphanage. Instead, she worked very hard for many hours at menial jobs to support herself and her children. As Norma grew up, her mother told her that she was working so hard at menial jobs because she wanted Norma to have long fingernails. That is why Ms. Miller always had — and has — long fingernails.

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David Bruce: The Funniest People in Neighborhoods — Siblings, Trailblazers, Valentine’s Day, War

Siblings

• The large family of Frank B. Gilbreth, Jr., and Ernestine Gilbreth Carey lived in the early part of the 20^thcentury. When the Gilbreth family liked someone and wanted him to become a relative through marriage, the young Gilbreths acted strangely. When Anne was being courted by a young doctor, her siblings found lots of reasons to leave her and Doctor Bob alone together and to turn out the lights of the room the young people were sitting in. Anne worried that her young beau might get the idea that her siblings had behaved that way with every boy she had ever known.

• Many people think of the 1970s situation comedy The Brady Bunch as being very unrealistic and very different from the real world, but series creator Sherwood Schwartz points out that most of the episodes were based on things that happened in his family as he was growing up. In fact, he says that some of the episodes were “almost word for word” based on real life. Whenever someone tells Mr. Schwartz that families aren’t like the Brady Bunch, he replies, “Maybe your family wasn’t.”

Trailblazers

• Roberta Gibb (Bingay) was the first woman to successfully run and complete the Boston Marathon, but she had to run it in disguise — dressed as a man — because women were not allowed to run the Boston Marathon in 1966. Of course, some men running close to her discovered that she was a woman — and they supported her. Ms. Gibb remembers that they told her, “Gee, I wish my girlfriend would run.” In 1983, she ran the Boston Marathon again — but this time she ran it legally as an honored trailblazer for women runners.

• After aviator Amelia Earhart had set a record for women’s long-distance flying, she received an effusive telegram: “Welcome, thrice welcome, Grand Lady of the Air, crowned glory of earth’s womanhood!” The telegram amused Ms. Earhart, who gave it to her secretary and said, “Show this to G.P. [George Putnam, her husband], so he may appreciate me!”

Valentine’s Day

• Cameron Kelly wanted to use a novel way of proposing to his girlfriend, Angie Kreimer, so he wrote a 113-page marriage proposal, published it at <lulu.com>, using the title 50 Reasons Why You Should Marry Me … And 51 Reasons Why I Should Marry You, and gave her a copy as a Valentine’s Day gift. In the proposal, she read reasons why she should marry him, including “I’m going to look like Sean Connery when I’m 65” and “You don’t even have to change your initials.” What was her one-word answer to the 113-page marriage proposal? It was Yes!

• French-cooking expert Julia Child and her husband seldom got their Christmas cards done in time to mail, so instead of Christmas cards they would send Valentine’s Day cards to their friends. One card shows the happy couple taking a bubble bath together.

War

• Elizabeth, the late Queen Mother, believed in sharing the pain and keeping a stiff upper lip when necessary. During World War II, she did not send her daughters — Elizabeth and Margaret — to the relative safety of the English countryside or to another country. Instead, she kept them in London even while the Nazis were dropping bombs frequently on the city and killing civilians. In addition, due to shortages the members of the royal family bathed in only four inches of water during the worst parts of the war. The Queen Mother even used tape on the bathtub to let her daughters know to what height they could fill the bathtub.

• The grandfather of Meg Cabot, author of the best-selling Princess Diaries books, fought during World War II. He was a young soldier who was shot quickly after arriving in France. This sounds like bad news, but the result turned out to be good for him. Soon after he was shot, the other soldiers in his platoon raided the wine cellar of an abandoned farmhouse. Unfortunately, German soldiers had poisoned all of the bottles of wine, and so all the soldiers in the platoon died. According to Meg’s grandfather, “Even being shot in the butt can have a silver lining.” Meg’s grandfather is the model for Princess Mia’s grandfather on her father’s side.

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David Bruce: The Funniest People in Neighborhoods — Proposals, Public Speaking, Sex, Siblings

Proposals

• Apparently, the Orange Bowl Marathon in Miami, Florida, is a very romantic race to run. In 1980, Ken Gomberg and Debra Faillace were running together when Mr. Gomberg proposed to her at the 25-mile mark. In 1981, Bob Godwin and Ann Conlin were running together when Mr. Godwin proposed to her at the 18-mile mark. Both couples ended up crossing the finish line while holding hands.

• The parents of choreographer Agnes George de Mille were Anna George and William de Mille. When Anna was 11 years old, and William was 12 years old, Anna asked him to marry her. He declined. But by the time Anna was 20 and William was 21, he had reconsidered his decision and proposed to her.

• When Walter Prude proposed to Agnes de Mille, choreographer of Oklahoma! and Rodeo: The Courting at Burnt Ranch, she started crying. He asked, “In God’s name, what’s the matter? Surely this is not the first time someone’s asked you?” Still crying, she replied, “No, but it’s the first time I’ve said yes.”

Public Speaking

• Conductor Walter Damrosch became a radio celebrity when he hosted a program that brought classical music to youngsters. One day, he spoke at a children’s school assembly. He was not introduced ahead of his address to the children, but as soon as he began speaking, the children recognized his voice and shouted, “It’s Papa Damrosch! It’s Papa Damrosch!”

• Of course, President Lyndon B. Johnson was often introduced with many compliments and rhetorical flourishes. On occasions when the flattery was really poured on thick, he would say, “I wish my mother and father might have been here to hear that introduction. My father would have enjoyed it, and my mother would have believed it.”

Sex

• Emily Yoffe wrote the “Dear Prudence” advice column for the online magazine Slate. One of her columns that was more controversial than she had thought it would be gave advice to a young woman who was getting married and who wanted to remain childless. At the end of that column, Ms. Yoffe wrote that perhaps the young woman might want to rethink her decision to remain childless. In response to the criticisms that came pouring in, Ms. Yoffe pointed out that having a child around can be a source of very great pleasure even if it means missing out on such things as seeing new movies in the theater or having sex in the living room. For example, when her daughter was two years old and was being put to bed, she hugged Ms. Yoffe and said, “Mommy, you’re a wonderful husband.” According to Ms. Yoffe, “That was better than any of the movies I hadn’t been to since she was born.” (As for the sex, she and her husband do have sex — but not in the living room.)

• Lefty Gomez was a great pitcher, but as happens to all pitchers who live long enough, his arm eventually went dead on him, and he began working for Wilson Sporting Goods. Once he was watching a Dodger workout, and after Carl Erskine had thrown batting practice, they began to compare notes on their families, with Lefty mentioning that his baby had just turned six months old. Sportswriter Jack Lang overheard this news, and he asked, “Lefty, did I hear you say you have a baby six months old at your age?” Lefty replied, “That was my armthat went dead.”

Siblings

• Edna St. Vincent Millay, often called by the name of Vincent, was the oldest of three daughters. While growing up, they helped their working mother by doing the housekeeping, which they made into a game, singing such songs as the Vincent-written “I’m the Queen of the Dishpans” while washing dishes. They also worked efficiently. For example, when they had to clean a room, Vincent would shout “Corner,” then each sister would run to a corner and start cleaning as quickly as possible, working toward the middle of the room. Then all three sisters would work together to clean the fourth corner.

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David Bruce: The Funniest People in Neighborhoods — Problem-Solving

Problem-Solving

• May Pierstorff’s parents were poor, but they were inventive. In 1914, when May was four years old, they decided to send her 100 miles away to visit her grandmother. Unfortunately, they could not afford the train fare. Therefore, they decided to mail her to her grandmother. They took May to the post office, and the postmaster looked at the regulations. Mail over 50 pounds could not be accepted; May weighed 48 pounds. No live animals could be sent through the mail — with the exception of baby chicks. The postmaster decided that May was a baby chick. He tagged the little girl’s coat, and 53 cents in postage was affixed to the tag. She rode in the baggage car of the train under the watchful eye of the baggageman. When May reached her destination, a postal clerk delivered her to her grandmother.

• Rabbi Meir was set upon by thieves in broad daylight, and when he returned home he decided to pray, using a passage from Psalms: “May sinners disappear from the earth and the wicked be no more.” He prayed, but his wife, Beruriah, said that he was not praying properly. The words he was using were ambiguous: His words could be understood as asking for the deaths of the sinners. Instead, she said, he ought explicitly to pray for the other meaning of the words: Pray that the sinners reform and stop doing evil deeds, so that sinners and evil-doers would disappear from the earth by being transformed into godly people. Rabbi Meir agreed, saying, “As always, your wisdom astounds me. You are right. It is better to pray for a person to change than for a person to die.” And he did as his wife advised.

• Jonathan Eybeschuetz displayed remarkable intelligence even as a young child. One morning, a much bigger, anti-Semitic bully beat him up. While the beating was going on, he cried for the beating to stop so he could give the bully all the money he had. Of course, the bully stopped beating him, and young Jonathan emptied his pockets and handed over all his money to the bully. As he did so, he explained that today was a special Jewish holiday, and Jews were required to hand over all their money to anyone who beat them that day. Hearing this, the bully decided to beat up the richest Jew in town. Of course, the rich Jew cried out for help, and a police officer arrested the bully and took him to jail — exactly as young Jonathan had planned.

• As a young child, young adult author Chris Crutcher had a terrible temper. It was so bad that he would jump into the air and then land on his back — hard. His mother was worried about this behavior, so she asked her family physician for advice. Dr. Patterson advised her to keep one of Chris’ wooden blocks handy, and the next time he pulled that stunt, to roll the wooden block on the floor exactly where young Chris would land. The ploy worked. Landing on the wooden block was so painful that Chris did it exactly once.

• After diving into shallow water, 16-year-old Joni Eareckson broke her neck and was paralyzed. Eventually, after months of being suspended in a Stryker frame, she recovered enough to be able to sit in a wheelchair. Dick, her boyfriend, sometimes visited her, but unfortunately, they ran into a problem: little privacy exists in a hospital. To solve the problem, they would go to an elevator and Dick would push the STOP button when they were in between floors. This gave them enough privacy to kiss.

• A three-year-old boy fumbled while trying to button his coat, so his teacher, a Sister of Notre Dame, asked another, older boy, “Would you please help that little boy?” This was the wrong thing to say, and the little boy was deeply offended. He said, “I am a big boy.” Thinking quickly, the Sister came up with exactly the right thing to say: “Will the bigger boy please help the big boy with his coat?” The little — uh, big — boy smiled.

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David Bruce: The Funniest People in Neighborhoods — Practical Jokes, Problem-Solving

Practical Jokes

• Retired professor Sanford Pinsker helped play a notable practical joke on a science teacher. The teacher had set up an experiment to teach his students about electricity. In the experiment, the professor was supposed to throw a switch to complete an electrical circuit, which would result in the ringing of a bell. Unfortunately for the teacher, one of his students stationed himself by the electrical outlet and amused himself by unplugging the circuit. Of course, when the teacher threw the switch to complete the circuit and ring the bell, nothing happened. That’s when Sanford said that the bell didn’t ring because the teacher hadn’t said “abracadabra.” The teacher said, “That’s ridiculous,” but when Sanford said “abracadabra,” then threw the switch, the bell rang. (The other student had plugged in the circuit again.) This happened a few more times, with the teacher throwing the switch and the bell not ringing, and with Sanford saying “abracadabra,” throwing the switch, and ringing the bell. Finally, the teacher said, “abracadabra,” then threw the switch — and the bell rang.

• When he was a kid, Chicago Bear Walter Payton joined the Boy Scouts. On Walter’s first camping trip, Scoutmaster Jim Walker told the kids a ghost story about a man who had been decapitated but who still put in an appearance whenever a bunch of kids were around making a lot of noise. (Hearing this, the kids grew quiet.) Later that night, after Mr. Walker had supposedly gone home, a figure in a sheet showed up. Panicking, the kids started shooting their .22s into the bushes. The figure — Mr. Walker, of course — started shouting, “Stop shooting!” Fortunately, they did, and Mr. Walker was not hurt. But later, as an adult, Mr. Payton felt bad when he thought about the headline that might have appeared in the newspapers: “BLACK SCOUT LEADER SLAIN BY SCOUTS. BODY FOUND COVERED WITH WHITE POWDER AND WRAPPED IN SHEET.”

• Young children tend to believe whatever you tell them. Quaker humorist Tom Mullen once showed his children the place where he had been born. The house had long been torn down, and at the location where the house had stood was an intersection with a flashing yellow light, so Mr. Mullen told his children that the flashing yellow light had been placed there in his honor. Afterward, whenever his children saw an intersection with a flashing yellow light, they asked, “Who was born there?”

• In high school, author Beth Lisick had a truly original boyfriend. He could pass gas whenever he wanted, and for Christmas one year he gave her a toilet seat. Beth was quite original, too. After seeing a few too many catfights on the TV series Dynasty, Beth and her best friend, Amy, used to fake catfights in public places, rolling on the ground and pretending to kick each other and pull each other’s hair until somebody stopped the “fight.”

Problem-Solving

• After Fanny Kemble married an American slave-owner in the days before the Civil War, she was shocked by the conditions that the slaves were forced to endure. The “infirmary” for sick slaves was filthy because the white men running the plantation wanted to be sure that it was more “pleasant” to work in the fields than to be in the infirmary. (Ms. Kemble used her own labor to clean up the infirmary and take care of the sick slaves.) In addition, because the mothers had to work in the fields, their infants were often entrusted to the care of very small children — some of these babysitters were almost babies themselves, being only four or five years old. As you would expect, the infants and small children were often very dirty. To keep the children clean, Ms. Kemble instituted a system of wages. To each owner of a clean face, she gave a penny. And if the infant the child was caring for also had a clean face, the child would get another penny. Very quickly, whenever she was surrounded by slave children, she was surrounded by slave children with clean faces.

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David Bruce: The Funniest People in Neighborhoods — Names, Politics, Practical Jokes

Names

• Some people are more fanatical soccer fans than others. In 1982, Trevor George of Penarth, Wales, showed his love for the game by naming his infant daughter after 20 world-class soccer players. The baby’s full name was Jennifer Edson Arentes do Nascimento Jairzinho Rivelino Carolos-Alberto Paulo Cesar Bretner Cruyff Greaves Charlton Best Moore Ball Keegan Banks Gray Francis Brooking Curtis Toshack Law George. His wife responded by promptly leaving home and having their daughter’s name legally changed to Jennifer Anne George.

• Joseph Epstein’s father, Maurice, a successful businessman, donated money to charities, many of which gave him certificates and plaques and other forms of recognition. However, Joseph noticed on one plaque that his father’s name was misspelled as “Moreese.” This mistake did not bother his father, who replied, “For less than a $50,000 donation, you mustn’t expect them to spell your name right.”

• When Penn Jillette (of Penn and Teller fame) and his wife, Emily, had their first child, they named her Moxie CrimeFighter Jillette. According to the proud father, “We chose her middle name because when she’s pulled over for speeding she can say, ‘But, officer, we’re on the same side. My middle name is CrimeFighter.’” Penn’s silent partner, Teller, had no official comment.

• Edna St. Vincent Millay was often called “Vincent.” The younger brother of her mother was a sailor who was seriously injured in a sea storm, then recovered his health in St. Vincent Hospital in New York City. To show her great gratitude, Edna’s mother gave her the middle name of “St. Vincent.”

• When comedian Fred Allen was introduced to his future wife, Portland, he told her, “That is a ridiculous name.” Unperturbed, she replied, “You should meet my sisters: Lebanon, Period, and Lastone.”

Politics

• Frances Hutt was the wife of Thomas Dewey, who ran for President against Harry S. Truman in 1948. The day of the election, it appeared that Mr. Dewey would win, so he asked his wife, “How do you like the idea of sleeping with the President of the United States?” She replied, “Of course it would be an honor, and one I can hardly wait to enjoy.” However, once the votes were counted, Mr. Truman had been elected, so Ms. Hutt asked her husband, “Well, darling, will Harry be coming here or do I have to go to Washington?”

• Feminist comedian Kate Clinton sometimes criticized President George W. Bush during her stand-up comedy. Of course, some people will get up and leave when she does that, so she likes to pretend that they have tiny bladders. As you would expect, she has been known to speak harshly of President Bush when she is among her friends. One day, as Ms. Clinton was talking about President Bush, her friend’s three-year-old daughter gently touched her arm and said, “Please use your inside voice.”

• Shortly after getting married — and losing an election for a school committee — Calvin Coolidge ran into a man who said that he had voted for his opponent because anyone on the school board should have children in the public schools. Mr. Coolidge replied, “Might give me time.”

Practical Jokes

• Sarah Winchester was a very rich woman, as she inherited money made from sales of the gun that won the West. However, she worried about all the people who had been killed by Winchester rifles; in fact, she thought that the spirits of these people were haunting her. What to do? She consulted a medium who recommended that she provide a home for the spirits. In 1884, in San Jose, California, she bought an eight-room house for the spirits — but the house soon grew much bigger than eight rooms. The house eventually towered seven stories and contained 160 rooms — servants needed maps to find their way through the house. Interestingly, the spirits themselves designed the house. Each midnight, the spirits were consulted, and their wishes were followed. Apparently, spirits like chimneys, and so 47 were built. Also, apparently, spirits like practical jokes, so one door opened onto a blank wall, and another — not on the ground floor — opened onto thin air. One closet was only one inch deep, and a skylight was installed in a floor. After Sarah died, her heirs did not continue her design sessions with the spirits, but they did turn several of the rooms into the Winchester Rifle Museum.

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David Bruce: The Funniest People in Neighborhoods — Music, Names

Music

Barbara Mandrell is a country singer with a long list of hits. She is also a Christian who sang to her young son Nathan three special songs: “Jesus Loves Me,” “Jesus Loves the Little Children,” and “This is the Day the Lord Has Made.” She always wondered which of those songs young Nathan would sing first on his own, but the first song he actually sang on his own turned out to be, “All My Exes live in Texas.”

When Walter Damrosch was a child, his father, Leopold, conducted Schubert’s Der häusliche Krieg. Leopold thought it would be extravagant to hire a professional musician for a single cymbal crash, so he enlisted young Walter to do the honors. Unfortunately, at the performance, young Walter got stage fright, and when the time for the cymbal crash came, he froze and was unable to move his hands.

Names

Ohio University student Molly Gedeon had two names when she was growing up: Molly and Monica. When she was born, her parents tried to decide together on a name, but a mix-up occurred. Her mother thought that they had decided on the name Monica, but her father thought that they had decided on the name Molly. Therefore, although her birth certificate stated that her name was Monica, her father always called her Molly, which led to a little confusion at the schools she attended. When she was 18 years old, Monica legally had her name changed to Molly. That should solve the problem, right? Wrong! Her father immediately started calling her Monica! (The Gedeons are original. When Molly was a little girl, she was a member of a swim team, but she was one of the worst swimmers on the team. At one meet her family showed up wearing paper bags over their heads and carrying signs that said, “We’re not with Gedeon!” Of course, when Molly saw them, she laughed so hard that she didn’t hear when the race started and swam even more poorly than usual.)

When ballerina Chan Hon Goh was born, her mother was in a hospital and her father was performing as a dancer in a theater in Beijing. When he heard that his wife was giving birth, he rode his bicycle to the hospital, noticing as he rode a red full moon rising in the sky. He named her after the rising red moon — Hon means “red” and Chan means “To rise.” When she was four years old, her mother taught her enough calligraphy to be able to write her nickname (Da Hong or “Big Red”), which she proceeded to do on the wall by the door of their apartment building. This horrified her parents because in communist China no one wanted to stand out in any way — it was much safer to blend in and be like everybody else. They covered up her nickname as quickly as they could.

The Right Reverend V. Gene Robinson has an unusual first name for a male. When he was born, he was paralyzed, and the attending physician thought that he would die within a few hours or days. The physician informed the parents, then said that he would need a name for the birth and the death certificates. V. Gene’s parents had already picked out a name for a girl — Vicky Jean — and thinking that it wouldn’t matter on a tombstone, they simply changed the name slightly to Vicky Gene. Of course, V. Gene got over his paralysis and grew up. Today, when he uses his credit card, he will often hear, “I’m sorry, sir. You can’t use your wife’s credit card.”

Children’s book author Tomie dePaola has an oddly spelled first name. At first, it was spelled the normal way, but little Tommy was a talented child who was sure to grow up to be famous, so a famous cousin of his mother — Irish tenor Morton Downey — gave him the new, unusual spelling. According to Mr. Downey, “He’s got to have an unusual spelling for his first name so people will remember it.” Everyone respected the new spelling for his name, except for his teachers at school, who made him spell it “Tommy,” because that was the “correct” spelling.

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