Religion – davidbruceblog #2

David Bruce: 250 Anecdotes About Religion, Volume 2 — Yom Kippur, Zen; 250 Anecdotes About Religion, Volume 2 — Activism, Alcohol

Yom Kippur

• Ed Asner, who played Lou Grant on The Mary Tyler Moore Show, says that the worst mistake he ever made in his life was to play football on Yom Kippur when he was 17. Although the coach said the team needed him, the team would have won without him. Mr. Asner says, “I certainly would have been closer to a man had I obeyed God rather than Caesar.”

Zen

• Zen Master Tung-shan knew that he was dying, so he prepared himself for death by having his head shaved, taking a bath, putting on a ceremonial robe, and saying goodbye to the other monks. He then appeared to have died, so the other monks began to cry. Suddenly Tung-shan opened his eyes and said, “We monks are supposed to be detached from all things transitory. In this consists true spiritual life. To live is to work; to die is to rest. What is the use of groaning and moaning?” After his speech, he ordered a “stupidity-purifying” meal for the other monks. Once the meal had been eaten, he said, “Please make no fuss over me! Be calm as befits a family of monks! Generally speaking, when one is at the point of going, he has no use for noise and commotion.” Then he meditated for a short time before dying.

• Two Zen masters, Gudo and Daigu, once visited a high-ranking official who wished to learn Zen. Gudo flattered the official. However, Daigu told Gudo, “Nonsense! Even though this person is a high-ranking official, he knows nothing about Zen.” After listening to the two Zen masters, the high-ranking official built Daigu a temple and studied Zen with him.

Activism

• In 1966, women were not allowed to run in the Boston Marathon. Fortunately, an “uppity” woman did not let that stop her. Roberta Gibb (Bingay) (a rather apt last name) traveled to Boston by bus from California to compete. Of course, she was not allowed to stand at the starting line, so she hid in some bushes near the starting line, and when the male runners raced by, she joined them. At first, she wore a hooded sweatshirt to help disguise her gender, but soon she got too warm and took off the sweatshirt. Ms. Bingay ran the marathon in three hours and twenty-one minutes, finishing 124^th in a race in which 415 men competed. Ms. Bingay’s running the Boston Marathon had positive results. The following year, another woman ran the marathon unofficially, and in 1972, women were finally allowed to compete officially in the Boston Marathon.

• Tennis star Billie Jean King led a boycott of the United States Lawn Tennis Association by women tennis players. The boycott occurred for a very good reason: the inequality of prize money won by male and by female tennis players. For example, in the 1970 Pacific Southwest Championships, the male champion won $12,500, while the female champion won only $1,500! The boycott worked. Billie Jean King and the other women tennis players competed in a new tennis tournament sponsored by Virginia Slims cigarettes, and they forced the USLTA to recognize the Virginia Slims Invitational.

• In 1971, an unusual raffle was held — the winner got to send 5,000 dead fish to the polluter of his or her choice. The dead fish came from Escambia Bay, and they died in a giant fish kill caused by pollution. Holding the raffle for the huge bottle of dead fish at the Pensacola (Florida) Interstate Fair was the Bream Fisherman Association.

• In 1973, African-American tennis star Arthur Ashe played in a tournament in South Africa, which then practiced a form of segregation known as apartheid. Before he would play in the tournament, Mr. Ashe demanded that the audiences watching it be integrated.

Alcohol

• While Bo Jackson attended Auburn University, he played both baseball and football. During a baseball game at the University of Alabama, a beer truck was parked just beyond the fence around the outfield. Several people, including the driver, were standing by the truck, drinking beer and yelling insults at Mr. Jackson throughout the early innings of the game. Mr. Jackson stopped the insults by hitting a home run that bounced off the side of the truck.

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David Bruce: 250 Anecdotes About Religion, Volume 2 — Wisdom, Work, Yom Kippur

Wisdom

• According to a Sufi legend, after God created Adam, He commanded the angel Gabriel to allow Adam to choose one of the three most precious pearls in the treasury of heaven. Gabriel therefore showed Adam the pearl of wisdom, the pearl of faith, and the pearl of modesty. Adam chose the pearl of wisdom, but when Gabriel attempted to lift the other two pearls to return them to the divine treasury, he was not able to. The pearl of faith and the pearl of modesty then said to Gabriel, “We will not separate from our beloved wisdom. We could not be happy and quiet away from it. From all eternity, we three have been the three compeers of God’s glory, the pearls of His power. We cannot be separated.” Even today, wisdom is found in the company of faith and modesty.

• Pope John XXIII once met a boy who had been born a Jew but who had converted and been baptized into the Catholic faith. The Pope urged the boy to continue to support the Jewish community, saying, “By becoming a Catholic, you do not become less a Jew.” At the Vatican Council, Pope John XXIII said, “We do not intend to conduct a trial of the past. We do not want to prove who was right and who was wrong. All we want to say is, Let us come together. Let us make an end to our divisions.”

Work

• The caliph Omar once met a group of people who were loafing around and doing nothing. When they answered that they were people who trusted to God for everything and put their affairs in His hands, Omar grew angry and said, “You are nothing but parasites upon other people’s work. The person who truly trusts God first plants seeds in the earth, then puts his affairs in God’s hands.”

• Chaplains are employed by the Armed Forces. In this case, we have the government paying the salaries of priests, rabbis, and preachers, but such an expense has been judged necessary by the government. The Bill of Rights grants everyone, including soldiers, the right to the free exercise of their religious beliefs, and chaplains are necessary for that to occur.

• The town’s leading citizens met at a dinner celebrating the 75^th anniversary of a business. The mayor praised the business, pointing out that 75 years is a long time and an important anniversary, then he asked if anyone in the audience represented a firm that had been in business longer than that. A preacher stood up and said, “I have that honor.”

• Sydney Smith, a clergyman and a wit, was once accosted by a county squire who angrily told him, “If I had a son who was an idiot, by Jove I’d make him a clergyman.” Sydney calmly replied, “Very probably, but I see that your father was of a different mind.”

• As a boy, actor Rod Steiger was a Gentile surrounded by Jews. This came in handy, as he readily found work in the neighborhood — lighting stoves for Jewish families on the Sabbath. The neighborhood women referred to him as a Shabbos goy.

Yom Kippur

• Before Yom Kippur, Rabbi Israel Salanter was walking on a public street when he met a crying man. Rabbi Salanter spoke to him and discovered that the man was terrified of the judgment that would be made against him on Yom Kippur; Rabbi Salanter also noticed that the man’s public display of grief and terror was upsetting other people in the street. Therefore, Rabbi Salanter advised the man, “Your heart is a private place, and so you may cry there as much as you want. However, the street is a public place. Remember that you do not have a right to burden other people with your personal problems.”

• While in prison, a Jew was told that he could choose one day of all the days in the year to perform the mitvos[commandment, worthy deed]. The Jew thought hard. Which day would be best to perform the mitvos? Would Yom Kippur be best? Finally, the Jew made his decision; he would perform the mitvos the very first day he could because when it comes to performing the mitvos, no one should procrastinate.

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David Bruce: 250 Anecdotes About Religion, Volume 2 — Sermons, Sunday school, Theft, Tobacco, War

Sermons

• While in Edinburgh, Sydney Smith gave a sermon. After noticing that the congregation was composed mostly of women, he preached on this verse from the Psalms, “O, that men would therefore praise the Lord.”

Sunday School

• As a child in Sunday school, Michael Thomas Ford and the other students were fascinated by the Flannelgraph — a board covered with felt on which Bible stories could be enacted using paper dolls which stuck to the felt because of a material on the back of the dolls. One Sunday, when the teacher was out of the room for a few minutes, young Michael and the other children got a chance to enact their own scene with the paper dolls. However, the scene they chose to enact was not wholly appropriate for a Sunday school — they enacted a scene from Saturday Night Fever using the St. Paul paper doll to represent John Travolta’s character.

• In The Adventures of Tom Sawyer, young Tom wins tickets each Sunday by reciting a few Bible verses — the tickets, when numerous enough, can be exchanged for a plainly bound Bible. Mark Twain’s Sunday school had the same system except that the tickets entitled a child to borrow a religious book from the Church library. In his later years, Mr. Twain claimed that he won his tickets by reciting the same five Bible verses each week.

Theft

• Nicholas Waln (1742-1813) was both a Quaker and a wit. While living in Philadelphia, he became aware that someone was stealing wood from his woodpile. By keeping careful watch, he learned that his next-door neighbor was the culprit, so he arranged to have a load of wood delivered to the neighbor. Instead of being pleased with the gift, the neighbor felt insulted and angrily demanded of Mr. Waln what he meant. Mr. Waln replied, “Friend, I was afraid thee would hurt thyself falling off my woodpile.”

• While on a Boy Scout trip as a young boy, Matt Groening took a Gideon Bible from a motel — he thought that it was free. He then underlined all the “dirty parts” in it. Of course, he got into trouble. Incredulous, his scoutmaster screamed, “You stole this Bible on top of everything else?”

Tobacco

• Charlie W. Shedd used to have two collections. One collection consisted of portraits of Jesus. As a young pastor in Houston, Texas, with the help of his congregation, he had collected these portraits, which now are displayed in the “Faces of Jesus” room at the Jekyll Community Presbyterian Church on Jekyll Island, Georgia. The other collection consisted of pipes, which he enjoyed smoking. However, one day, while sitting in the Faces of Jesus room, he started wondering, “In which of these faces would a pipe look good?” The answer was none, so he decided to get rid of his pipes and stop smoking. While on vacation at Playmore Beach, Rocky Mount, on the Lake of Ozarks, he put his pipes in a bag, rowed out onto the lake, and dropped the bag overboard. The next day, the bag of pipes had washed up on the beach in front of his cabin. But pastor Shedd was not to be dissuaded. He and his wife rowed back out on the lake, where they dropped the pipes one by one into the lake. This time, the pipes stayed put.

• Rev. Gustave Weigel, S.J., once lit a cigar and began puffing on it contentedly following an interfaith dinner. A fundamentalist Protestant looked on, disgusted, and asked, “Don’t you Catholics believe that the body is a temple?” After the priest replied, “Yes,” the fundamentalist asked why he was putting smoke in it. Father Weigel replied, “You put sausage in it.”

War

• During World War II, Gertrude Babilinska helped save the life of a Jewish boy named Mickey in Poland during the Holocaust. His parents had died, and she had promised them that she would take care of him. During the war, Mickey became ill and Ms. Babilinska was forced to take him to a German doctor. After the doctor had treated Mickey, she tried to pay him, but he refused payment, saying, “No, you have helped feel like a man.” Because of this, she realized that he knew that Mickey was Jewish. After the war, Ms. Babilinska took Michael to Israel so she could fulfill her promise to his parents to raise him as a Jew.

• When World War I broke out, the Austrian emperor asked Pope Pius X to bless his country’s cause. The Pope declined, saying, “I do not bless war; I bless peace.”

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David Bruce: 250 Anecdotes About Religion, Volume 2 — Scripture, Sermons

Scripture

• Retired teacher Laytham Fitch remembers a time when a schoolboy asked him if animals went to Heaven. Mr. Fitch didn’t know the answer, but the schoolboy felt strongly that animals do go to Heaven. When asked why he believed that, the schoolboy quoted Scripture: “Jesus said, ‘Go ye into all the world and preach the gospel to every creature.’”

• A woman mailed a package containing a Bible to her son at college. When the postal employee asked if the package contained anything breakable, she replied, “Only the Ten Commandments.”

Sermons

• William Douglas was a Presbyterian preacher. Ordained on May 6, 1898, he spent time preaching to people in Minnesota, California, and Washington. While in Dot, Washington, he was prepared to give a sermon, but only one person, a cowboy, was in attendance. He offered not to give the sermon, but the cowboy said, “Well, if I had 40 horses to feed and went out looking for them with a load of hay and could find only one horse, I don’t think I’d let that one horse go hungry.” Rev. Douglas then gave the sermon, which lasted over one hour. At the end of the sermon, Rev. Douglas shook hands with the cowboy and asked what he had thought of the sermon. The cowboy replied, “Well, if I had 40 horses to feed and went out looking for them with a load of hay and could find only one horse, I don’t think I’d give the whole load to that one horse.”

• A traveling preacher in pioneer days was about to mount the pulpit in a new town when the town’s leading citizens warned him not to preach against the liquor trade, since a businessman in the liquor trade — a man who contributed liberally to the church — was going to be present. Next they warned the preacher not to preach against adultery, as an adulterer — who contributed liberally to the church — was going to be present. Then they warned the preacher not to preach against cursing, as a man who used swear words — and who contributed liberally to the church — was going to be present. The preacher asked, “Well, what can I preach against?” The town’s leading citizens advised, “Preach against the Jews — they haven’t got a friend in this town.”

• Village idiots, before jokes about them became politically incorrect, were often characters in stories, where they more than held their own against their supposedly more intelligent neighbors. In “Reminiscences of Scottish Life and Character,” Dean Ramsey writes of Jamie Fraser, a village idiot in the parish of Lunan, in Forfarshire. Mr. Fraser stayed awake during a sermon, although many people around him fell asleep. The minister noticed this and chastised the congregation, saying, “You see, even Jamie Fraser, the idiot, doesn’t fall asleep, as so many of you are doing.” Mr. Fraser had pride, and he disliked being called an idiot, so he told the minister, “Aye, but if I hadn’t been an idiot, I might have been sleeping, too.”

• Many candidates applied for the position of rabbi at a synagogue, and one candidate announced that he was ready to demonstrate his fitness for the position by preaching a sermon on any topic the congregation chose. On the day of the demonstration, this candidate was handed a blank piece of paper. Turning to the congregation, he said, “Friends, this blank piece of paper was supposed to contain my subject. However, I look at the first side and see nothing. I look at the second side and see nothing. This reminds me that God created the world out of nothing. I shall therefore preach on the subject of divine creativeness.”

• George Whitefield preached almost to the end of his life. He died on Sept. 30, 1770, after having preached an open-air sermon the day before. A friend told him that he should be in bed instead of preaching, but Mr. Whitefield looked toward the heavens and prayed, “Lord Jesus, I am weary in thy work, but not of thy work.

• The Rev. Tatham was a fellow of Lincoln College, Oxford. He also was known for preaching very long sermons. At the end of one of his three-hour sermons, only one other person was left in the church. During the sermon, this person had died.

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David Bruce: 250 Anecdotes About Religion, Volume 2 — Royalty, Sabbath, Satan, Scripture

Royalty

• You’ve heard of the Cadbury bunny, haven’t you? The Cadbury Chocolate Works used to be owned by George and Elizabeth Cadbury, both Quakers. King George V and Queen Mary once visited the Cadburys, who took them on a tour. Mr. Cadbury took off his hat during the tour, but Queen Mary was worried about his catching cold, so she requested that he put his hat back on, but he declined. Queen Mary then said that she would ask her husband the King to tell him to put his hat back on, but Mr. Cadbury again declined to put on his hat. Mrs. Cadbury then said firmly, “George, put on your hat.” Mr. Cadbury — and King George V — put on their hats.

• During the Restoration in England, Dr. Robert South was preaching to Charles II when he noticed that several members of the congregation were sleeping through his sermon. Keeping his presence of mind, he called to one of the sleepers, “Lord Lauderdale, let me entreat you, rouse yourself; you snore so loud that you will wake the King.”

Sabbath

• Edwin Porter was a strict Methodist preacher who was active in Texas during the first half of the 20^th century. As a strict preacher, he didn’t believe in having ragtime music played during the family’s musical Sunday afternoons, although love songs and of course gospel were fine. One day he asked his oldest daughter, Katie, to play something on the piano. Katie decided to play the newest ragtime hit, “Twelfth Street Rag,” but she told her father it was a new song titled “Love in My Heart.” Rev. Porter liked the new song so much that he asked his daughter to play it three times.

• Stand-up comedian Marc Weiner, creator of the finger puppets known as the Weinerettes, ran into some problems when he began to observe the Sabbath, which for Jews begins at sunset Friday. Of course, Friday evening is a big day for Gentiles to go to comedy clubs, and in observance of the Sabbath, Mr. Weiner declined to work then. Fortunately, some club owners are willing to work around his schedule.

• A Jewish man married a Gentile woman although his father advised him not to. Later, the man told his father that he had been right: “That woman will drive me to the poorhouse. The rabbi told her that it is a sin to do business on the Sabbath, and now she won’t let me open my store on Saturdays.” His father replied, “See. A Jewish man is a fool if he marries a Gentile.”

Satan

• While working as a stand-up comedian in Oklahoma, Jay Leno saw that many members of the audience had something written on the soles of their shoes. Later, he asked the promoter about it and discovered that a local preacher had told members of his congregation to write “Satan” on the soles of their shoes because just by walking around they could stomp out Satan.

• A Christian was caught backsliding, so his pastor told him, “When you are tempted, say, ‘Satan, get behind me!’” The backslider replied, “I do say that, but Satan says, ‘All right, I’ll get behind you. It doesn’t matter who is in front as long as we are both going in the same direction.’”

Scripture

• Some people treat the Bible as a device of divination by opening it at random and pointing blindly to a verse, repeating the process as many times as necessary. Rolf E. Aaseng is very much against this practice. In teaching his Sunday School class, he has the students imagine that they try it and point first to Matthew 27:5 (“Judas … went off and hanged himself”), then imagine that they try it again and point to Luke 10:37 (“Jesus replied, ‘You go, then, and do likewise’”).

• Henry Cadbury, an early 20^th-century scholar, professor, and Quaker wit, stayed away from telling risqué humor with one exception. Sometimes he told about staying in a hotel room in which a Bible had been placed. In the Bible was a listing of verses for various problems, including “Worried? See verse so and so. Troubled? See verse so and so. Lonely? See verse so and so.” After the listing for lonely, someone had written: “Still lonely? Call Mabel at 123-4567.”

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David Bruce: 250 Anecdotes About Religion, Volume 2 — Problem-Solving, Rabbis

Problem-Solving

• A woman complained to R’ Eizel Charif that she had been abandoned by her husband and that he refused to support her; therefore, she wanted a divorce, but her husband refused to give her one. R’ Eizel Charif summoned the husband, who said that he would give his wife a divorce if she would give him a large sum of money (which his wife, a poor woman, did not have), but without the money, there would be no divorce. R’ Eizel Charif took Maseches Kiddushin from his bookcase, opened it to the first Mishnah, then showed the volume to the husband and said, “See what it says: ‘She acquires herself [that is, goes free] in [one of] two ways … by divorce or through the death of the husband.’ Now you can choose by which of the two your wife will acquire her freedom.” The husband decided on the divorce.

• One problem faced by many religious people is how to avoid persecution. The story behind the game of dreidel is serious. Jews were forbidden to worship, but they worshipped anyway, gathering together to study the Torah. At these times, they had money and a dreidel nearby. When soldiers came near, the Jews gathered around the dreidel and pretended to be gaming. Early Christians did something similar by decorating their houses with holly. Holly was sacred to Saturn, and so by decorating their houses with holly, early Christians avoided trouble because pagan soldiers thought they were dedicated followers of Saturn.

• Muhammad, the prophet of Islam, was a good problem solver. All the clans around Mecca wanted the honor of repairing the Ka’ba shrine, so the clans worked together so that all could share the honor. However, the greatest honor lay in replacing the sacred black stone, and the clans could not agree on who would have that honor. Fortunately, Muhammad came up with a solution. He advised that the sacred black stone be placed on a cloak and a representative from each clan be stationed around the cloak. That way, working together, representatives from all the clans could lift the sacred black stone into place and all the clans could share that great honor.

Rabbis

• Rabbi Nissen Telushkin noticed several times that a rich man with a high standing in the community insisted on sitting at the back of the synagogue although he was entitled to a seat up front. This man carefully watched to see if anyone noticed that he had chosen a humble seat. Finally, Rabbi Telushkin said to the man, “It would be better if you sat up front, and thought that you should be seated in the back, rather than to sit in the back, and think the whole time that you should be seated in the front.”

• The wife of Rabbi Wolfe of Zbaraj quarreled with her female servant. Because they could not settle the quarrel, the two women began to leave for the rabbinical court. However, when Rabbi Wolfe got up to go with them, his wife told him, “I don’t need your help.” Rabbi Wolfe replied, “That is true. Everybody knows and respects you, but no one knows and respects this poor servant girl. I am going with you to help her and to plead her case.”

• For the 1991 Emmy-winning Simpsons episode “Like Father, Like Clown,” Rabbi Levi Meier and Rabbi Harold Schulweis provided religious expertise. Their names appeared as technical consultants in the credits, and immediately Rabbi Schulweis became a celebrity in the eyes of his congregation. He said, “I became an instant hero among my young people. I was cool.”

• A visitor from the United States visited Polish rabbi Hafez Hayyim and noted that the rabbi’s house was filled with books, but had only a table and a bench for furniture. “Where is your furniture?” asked the visitor. “Where is your furniture?” asked Rabbi Hayyim in turn. “My furniture? But I’m only visiting here!” the visitor said. Rabbi Hayyim replied, “So am I.”

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David Bruce: 250 Anecdotes About Religion, Volume 2 — Prejudice, Problem-Solving

Prejudice

• Groucho Marx hated prejudice. (You probably remember that when he was excluded from a beach club because he was Jewish, he asked, “Since my children are only half-Jewish, can they go into the water up to their knees?”) Once, he joined a club for Jews only. He and his brother Harpo immediately worked to change the rules so Gentiles could join. Danny Thomas was one of the first people to take advantage of the new rules.

• On June 3, 1972, in Cincinnati, Sally Priesand became the first woman ordained as a rabbi in the United States. Some congregations refused to accept her as a student rabbi after her fifth year of study, and some congregations refused to accept her as a rabbi after her eighth year of study. However, she eventually became an assistant rabbi at the Stephen Wise Free Synagogue in New York.

• Just before World War II, a Jew in Vienna wanted to emigrate to avoid the coming destruction. He went to a travel agent, who showed him a globe and asked him where he wanted to go. However, every time the Jew named a country, the travel agent replied that the country had a quota, or didn’t accept Jews, or there was a long waiting period for a visa. Finally, the Jew asked, “Do you have another globe?”

• During World War II, a French monastery hid several Jewish children, including Pierre Weiss, from the Nazis. A picture of Jesus was found under Pierre’s pillow, and he was asked why he had put the picture there. Pierre explained, “Jesus was a Jew, and in order to save him from the Gestapo, I hid him.”

• A homophobe once said to lesbian comedian Judy Carter, “I love the sinner. I just hate the sin.” She replied, “Do you really love me? Then don’t fire me from my job, don’t take away my constitutional rights, don’t take my children away from me, don’t murder me … that is, if you love me.”

• Back in 1977, Anita Bryant organized a campaign against gay men and lesbians that started in Dade County, Florida, then spread nationwide. Some supporters of the anti-gay campaign put this bumper sticker on their cars: “Kill a Queer for Christ.”

• An African-American man got on a subway, sat down, opened a Yiddish newspaper and began to read. A Jew tapped him on the shoulder and asked, “Black isn’t enough for you?”

• Danny Kaye once said that he’d emigrate to Israel if he were younger. Why? He explained, “There, if somebody calls you a dirty Jew, it’s just because you haven’t taken a bath.”

Problem Solving

• Two women asked Rabbi Saul of Tiktin to resolve a dispute. Each claimed that a 5-ruble note belonged to her. The rabbi took possession of the 5-ruble note, then asked the two women many questions, but was unable to determine to which woman the 5-ruble note really belonged. Therefore, he went into another room, leaving the door ajar so the two women could overhear him, and talked to his wife. He told her that he was having a hard time deciding to which woman the 5-ruble note belonged — for one thing, the 5-ruble note had a torn corner, and neither woman had mentioned it to him. When he returned to the two women, one of the women told him that she had just remembered that the 5-ruble note had a torn corner. The rabbi replied, “In that case, this 5-ruble note is not yours because it does not have a torn corner.” He showed the note to her, then handed it to the other woman.

• While traveling, Zen master Zenko came across a ruined temple. He examined the temple and decided to restore it. However, there was a problem: How to raise the funds necessary for rebuilding the temple? Taking thought, Zenko posted signs saying that he would burn himself to death on a certain day, and if any people cared to donate money, he would allow them to watch. On the day of the scheduled suicide, Zenko meditated silently on top of a huge mass of firewood, then he opened his eyes and told the crowd of people watching him, “While I was meditating, the saints all told me, ‘It is still too early for you to think of leaving the world. Put up with this world for a while longer, and stay here to save living beings.’ Therefore, I can’t burn myself to death today.” Zenko then took the money the crowd had donated and used it to restore the temple.

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David Bruce: 250 Anecdotes About Religion, Volume 2 — Preachers, Prejudice

Preachers

• Woodrow Wilson’s father was a Presbyterian minister who was paid by his congregation for preaching. One day, a friend said to Reverend Wilson, “Your horse looks very well, Reverend Wilson. Much better than you do.” Yes,” Reverend Wilson agreed. “You see, I keep my horse, but I am kept by my congregation.”

• A preacher was more than ordinarily long winded during his Sunday sermon. One bored parishioner asked another, “What follows the sermon?” The answer came back: “Wednesday.”

Prejudice

• Rabbi Shlomo Carlebach once invited a woman named Chaya Adler in his congregation to go with him to visit a Hasidic man. She tried to beg off, saying that her skirt was too short to be seen in a Hasidic community and that the men there might be shocked, but Rabbi Shlomo insisted that she accompany him. While there, Rabbi Shlomo introduced her to everyone, saying, “Everybody should meet my sweetest friend, holy sister Chaya. Do you know that she is an outstanding scholar and learns Hasidic thought brilliantly?” The Hasids were all pleased to learn from speaking to her that she was studying the thought of the Ishbitzer Rebbe. Later, Ms. Adler thought about the visit, and she realized that Rabbi Shlomo was breaking the barrier of stereotypes that both she and the Hasidic men had. She says, “On that day, both they and I learned a valuable lesson: to suspend judgment and look beyond dress and appearance for the divine spark that resides in each soul.”

• When John F. Kennedy, a Catholic, ran for President, he was frequently asked if a Catholic could become President. In part, people were worried that a Catholic President would have divided loyalties — to the Pope and to the United States. In reply to the question when asked by a high school student, Mr. Kennedy pointed out that he had pledged his loyalty to the United States when he entered the U.S. Navy, when he became a U.S. Representative, and when he became a U.S. Senator: “If I was qualified to serve my country in those other capacities, I am qualified to serve it as President.” He added, “No one asked my brother Joe [a pilot who died in action in World War II] if he had divided loyalties when he volunteered and died for his country.”

• On January 1, 1965, the Council on Religion and the Homosexual (CRH) held a dance in San Francisco. Before the dance, the religious ministers and gay members of the organization let the police know about the dance, thinking that the information — and the sponsorship by religious leaders — would prevent the police from disrupting the dance. No such luck. The police showed up and arrested several gay men and lesbians, and a police officer even told a minister, “If you’re not willing to enforce God’s law, we will.” The arrests resulted in massive negative publicity for the police department, and a judge dismissed all charges against the gay men and lesbians.

• When country comedian Jerry Clower was 12 years old, he was confused and bothered by some of the racist things that happened in his home state of Mississippi. One night, a black man was beaten, and the following Sunday, young Jerry asked in his Sunday School class, “What about the beating they gave the man last night?” His teacher told him, “Don’t you ever bring that up in this church again. There are just some things that you don’t discuss.” Once young Jerry became a Christian, he knew that he couldn’t be prejudiced and be a “maximum Christian,” so he overcame his prejudice toward blacks and sought to love everybody.

• Long ago, a man with an Eastern European accent wanted to rent an apartment in a building managed by an anti-Semite. The manager noticed the man’s heavy accent and said, “We don’t rent to Jews.” The man replied, “I’m a Christian.” The manager didn’t believe him, so he decided to test him. The manager asked, “Who is our Lord?” The man replied, “Jesus Christ.” The manager asked, “What was his mother’s name?” The man replied, “Mary.” The manager asked, “Where was he born?” The man replied, “In a stable in Bethlehem.” The manager asked, “Why was he born in a stable?” Fed up, the man replied, “Because bigots like you wouldn’t rent apartments to Jews.”

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David Bruce: 250 Anecdotes About Religion, Volume 2 — Prayer, Preachers

Prayer

• As a boy, Richard Goode practiced at the piano, playing of course the same pieces over and over. A neighbor, Rabbi Ginzburg, once asked Richard’s father why his son did this. Mr. Goode replied, “Rabbi, haven’t you been saying the same prayers over and over since you were a child?” Afterward, Rabbi Ginzburg often could be heard humming to himself Richard’s piano music.

• As choreographer George Balanchine lay dying in a hospital, ballerina Suzanne Farrell stopped by to see him. Mr. Balanchine knew that Ms. Farrell’s knees had been bothering her, so he asked how her knees were. She said, “My knees are great; I could do anything.” Mr. Balanchine smiled and said, “Oh, I’m so glad, because I’ve been lying here praying for your knees.”

• Mark Twain once stayed over at the house of a friend. The next morning, he was seen standing at the top of the staircase. His friend said, “What’s the matter? Why not come on down?” Mr. Twain asked, “Family prayers over yet?” Hearing that they were over, Mr. Twain said, “All right then, I’ll come down.”

• Dolores Curran says that when you teach young children to pray, you should be prepared to hear some strange prayers, such as, “And Jesus, please hit Danny for me because he took my Big Wheel.”

• Peg Bracken’s grandmother occasionally ended her prayers by saying: “And if You’ll just tend to Your business, Lord, I’ll tend to mine.”

Preachers

• Reb Yaakov Krantz was a traveling preacher who was very popular and very well paid. Another preacher, who was envious of Reb Krantz’ success, complained to him, “You and I are both preachers. You and I both borrow ideas from others. When you preach, the synagogue is crowded and you are handsomely rewarded, whereas I have to speak to practically bare walls, and I hardly make my expenses. Tell me, what is the secret of your success?” Reb Krantz replied, “You and I can be compared to two sorts of thieves. One steals a piece of leather and sells it for one ruble. The other takes the leather, makes a pair of fine shoes out of it, and sells them for 10 rubles. The first is a common thief; the second, an artist.”

• A young clergyman was nervous about giving his sermon, so he asked an older clergyman for advice. The older clergyman said that he had suffered from the same problem, and he advised the young clergyman to take a pitcher of martinis to the pulpit with him. The martinis were clear like water, and the young clergyman could take a sip whenever he felt nervous. The young clergyman accepted the advice, gave his sermon, then asked the older clergyman to critique his performance in the pulpit. The older clergyman said, “I have three comments to make. First, don’t put olives in the pitcher. Second, don’t gulp — sip. Third, Daniel slew the lion — he didn’t beat the hell out of it.”

• Elton Trueblood, a Quaker, was committed to equality in ministry. One day, he was invited to preach at a large university. He met with other clergy before the service, and eventually the host pastor told everyone that it was time for them to put on robes and clerical vestments. Mr. Trueblood asked, “Is it required that we wear robes in religious settings?” The host pastor, somewhat flustered, said that it was not required, and Mr. Trueblood replied, “In that case, I’ll be glad to do so.”

• A friend was driving country comedian Jerry Clower around Savannah, Georgia, when the friend said, “John Wesley used to be pastor of that church.” Mr. Clower immediately said, “Stop,” and they went into that church. About the experience, Mr. Clower says, “I felt a tingling all over. Here’s a man that put one foot on Europe and one foot on the United States and preached and started Methodism.”

• At a New England Yearly Meeting, two very educated Quakers by the names of Rufus Jones and Augustus T. Murra, spoke. However, one elderly Quaker worried that the learned discourse of the two gentlemen was way over the heads of their audience. After the gentlemen had spoken, she said for everyone to hear, “Jesus said, ‘Feed my lambs,’ not ‘Feed my giraffes.’”

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David Bruce: 250 Anecdotes About Religion, Volume 2 — Practical Jokes, Prayer

Practical Jokes

• Knowing that yawns are infectious, a group of Quaker girls once played a joke at meetings while at school. Whenever a person of authority — a teacher, an elder, a minister, an overseer — looked at them, one or more of them would yawn. Then they watched with delight as the yawn passed from one person of authority to another. The girls felt that there was nothing wrong with this game, as they played it only when a meeting went past its normal closing time.

• Thomas Aquinas was a huge man, both physically and mentally. Once a brother monk decided to play a joke on him. The monk looked out a window and said, “Come quickly — look at the cow flying.” Aquinas jumped up and looked out the window — and saw nothing, of course. The monk began to laugh, but Aquinas told him, “I thought it more likely that a cow should fly than that a monk would lie.”

• Some gurus are also rascals. One rascal guru got great amusement from his more gullible students — if any of them asked how he had become so wise, he used to tell them that he was thousands of years old. One especially gullible student believed this and said, “It’s amazing how human you are.” The rascal guru replied, “After a thousand years or so, you go native.”

Prayer

• Rabbi Eliezer understood the proper length of a prayer. A man once prayed for a long time, and some people complained, “What a prayer elaborator this man is!” But Rabbi Eliezer replied, “Has he really prayed longer than Master Moses, of whom Deuteronomy 9:25 reports that he once prayed for 40 days and 40 nights?” Then another person prayed for a very short time. This time, some people complained, “What a prayer abbreviator this man is!” But Rabbi Eliezer replied, “Has he really offered a shorter prayer than our Master Moses, of whom Numbers 12:13 reports that he once offered a prayer of only five words, ‘O God, pray heal her’?”

• Christian author Judy Esway was feeling very discouraged, and she prayed, saying that she wished Jesus would walk into her living room, sit down in the striped chair, and say to her, “Judy, why don’t you come over here and sit on my lap and tell me all your problems?” Just then, her husband walked into the living room, sat down in the striped chair, and said to her, “Judy, why don’t you come over here and sit on my lap and tell me all your problems?” Ms. Esway writes, “Thank you for answering my prayer, God. And thank you for my husband, who follows the prompting of your Holy Spirit.”

• During family prayers, some friends of country comedian Jerry Clower took turns praying. When it was the four-year-old’s turn to pray, he started praying for Mr. Clower’s family. He said, “Dear Lord, God bless Mr. Clower, God bless Ray, God bless Amy, God bless Sue, and God bless ….” Here he couldn’t think of the name of Mr. Clower’s wife, so he started all over again — and still couldn’t remember her name. He tried to say the prayer a third time, but even then he couldn’t remember her name, so he finished the prayer with, “Lord, please bless that woman what lives with Mr. Clower.”

• Just before performing on the balance beam during the individual apparatus competition at the 1996 Olympic Games in Atlanta, gymnast Shannon Miller said this prayer: “God, I’m in your hands. I’m going to do the very best I can. I know I wouldn’t be here if I wasn’t supposed to be — if I wasn’t capable of doing this.” She did her very best on the balance beam — and she won her second gold medal of the games.

• In Eastern Europe, many Jewish prayers showed a familiarity with God: 1) “Dear God, you help complete strangers — so why not us?” 2) “Lord in Heaven, blessed be Thy Name, we know You love the poor — so why do You help the rich?” 3) “Dear God, all we ask of You is a bit of bread to stave off our hunger and some rags to keep out the cold — the whiskey we’ll buy ourselves.”

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250 Anecdotes About Religion, Volume 2 — Buy

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